Victoria, BC #7

I guess it's ironic
That I did all that writing yesterday
About no longer wanting to write
Posted it on a blog I declare
A pointless waste of time
Spent hours editing it
After extolling the virtues of
Pure
Unadulterated
Expression
Then wrote emails
Then sat all day on this computer
Then thought about books I wanted to publish
Feeling liberated by the knowledge
That I no longer had to
But more than that -
Change comes slowly
In the beginning, there is the feeling
Then the thought
And then the word
I may know what I want to do
Or at least have an inkling
But it takes time
To make it real
It's two years since I first admitted
That I was afraid of love
Exactly twelve months ago
That I first deleted this blog
And abandoned journalling
For all of ten weeks
Five months since
I really did stop it
Though here I am again
And pretty much exactly four years ago
That I fasted a week at the hot springs
And knew in the depths of my heart
That what I need is a wife
It occurred to me many years ago
That life has its own gestation periods
Quite often, actually,
Somewhere around nine months
Between time of conception
And its popping into the world
Still
I'm feeling a little like...
I'm stuffing the baby back up the chute
Holding it in
Prolonging the labour
Pretending it's never been born
I'm feeling like I need to break free
But can't
Forever stumbling into the past
And submitting to habits
Habits unfortunately not quite as damaging
As taking drugs
Getting drunk
Crashing cars
Gentle habits
But destructive nonetheless
How about some
New Year's resolutions
Evolutions
Ideals
Or at least suggestions?

1. I will delete this blog.
2. I will just talk instead.
3. Or at least handwrite and type just for myself, and not as a way of avoiding talking about something, but as a means of aiding expression, and getting down to the heart of the matter
4. I shall stop endlessly looking back on things previously written. Get it out of me and then move on. File it away if necessary. But maybe just "burn it", like the Bibles of yesterday's monk (I shudder).
5. I shall try to forget about writing books, and just live instead. And if Life directs me to writing books, I shall give it a go.
6. I will stop sending emails to people from the past. I often want to quit, and I get annoyed with how much I'm invested in that and when I have a backlog. But, truth is, it's mainly people just responding to me anyway. I so admire people who don't exist online. I know one person who has basically no online presence. I bet their life is lacking nothing.
7. I will quit facebook again and stay quitted. I will use emailing people just for purposes of arranging meetups, etc.
8. I will try to use the telephone more. I'm always saying that. But never actually doing it.
9. In a nutshell, trying to get back to how life was before the blasted internet. It was good back then. Things moved forward. Flowed naturally. Never really harked back. I liked it. It's my fault it's difficult now to be like that. The internet is too powerful for me. Too stimulating. There's always something going on. But as my time in Exeter and Mexico and Greece proved, it's just not as healthy as life in the outside world. I want to break away. Keep it merely for football results and plane tickets. I wonder if I can. Not easy.
10. I want to give myself to love. To not run away from it. To find someone who can deal with my madness, my vulnerability, my complexities - as well as all the good things I have to offer. To find that person and then stick to them like glue. Not in a smothering way, but in a sense of true commitment. I'm ready for that.
11. I want to work a good job. Be productive. Help others. And go home to a happy situation. Many years ago I decided "life is what you go home to." A difficult job can be tolerated by what's waiting for you at the end of the day. And a wonderful job can still seem empty if it excludes sharing your life with somebody you love.
12. I want to work my way up the football referee ladder.
13. I want to find a place to call home.
14. I want to be in a position where the making of one or two little people is not only possible but likely and even inevitable.
15. I want to overcome my inability to feel wanted and loved.
16. I want to stop looking at pictures of and reading about celebrities.

I guess the main thing is:
I want to quit the internet
Woohoo!
I'll betcha that's easier said than done
I've certainly said it before
But then what if I just tossed a coin?
"Heads, I shall completely obliterate this blog
By the end of the year"
I toss the coin
And heads it is
"Heads, I shall close my email accounts"
And this time it's tails
"Heads, I'll close my Skype account"
Heads
(I only ever used it with one person anyway)

And then I went and spent two silly hours
Trying to remove my presence
From dozens of years-old
Forums and arcade sites
Reading words like:
"Last login: April 10th 2003"