Figuring things out

Just noticed the date: always remember that as the first day I flew to Americaall those years ago – seventeen to be precise – but still so fresh in my mind…

Not what I’m here to write about today. A catch up on recent events. And discussion, perhaps, on events to come. Putting my life out there in the form of the written word in order, hopefully, to move on and gain clarity. Blogging is like my prayer: things change when I express them here. And that’s what I’m looking for today.

And so: what have I been up to?

1. Still living with the Christian boys and –

A week ago I would have written about how great that was, and of things that seemed to be progressing, seemed to be moving towards something. Mentioning the healing and of how someone was interested in that. The morning that he came over in tears and we talked for a few hours and how right from the moment that he opened the door I just knew what the problem was – what had happened – obscure and unexpected though it should have seemed. God at work, I thought. But now…

Today I feel a little bit weird in it: same old thing really. A few weeks in and the odd psychology starts to rear its head. The way Christianity excludes to the point of ignorance. The strangeness of their practises and beliefs. Are these boys happy because they’ve got God or are they happy because they’ve got a thousand happy friends and grew up in well-off houses and went to nice schools and are attractive and fun and don’t question life because all the answers are in some old Jewish book? And what of that book anyway? All the justifications for its authority. Very odd that smart brains should reason so. And me…

The man on the outside, though sharing certain similarities, will never be the same. Just as I shan’t be middle class. Just as I shan’t go on to have a nice career and a nice home and marry a nice chaste Christian girl and thank Jesus for my nice detached house and car, raise nice Christian children.

Is that God? I don’t know. But one can’t buy it if one can’t buy it – no compelling reason to do so – and soon enough our ways shall part…

One guy says to me – the main guy; he’s always asking me questions – that I represent something of a challenge to him. He’s had his lifelong beliefs and he believes in them wholeheartedly – yet he openly acknowledges that I seem to have lived more of the life divine and have more understanding of it than pretty much all the Christians he knows. That bothers him, I guess. Yet I admire his openness and honesty in being aware of the dilemma that provokes. The talks are fun and good. Not that I really say much. Try to keep schtum when it comes to matters of theology and religion. No point in questioning someone’s beliefs if it makes them happy. Faith more important than intellectual understanding anyway. Not sure all my reading and thinking has done me any good in that regard. And they’re doing good things in the world so where’s the harm?

Ah, but for that enlightened expression that says: “Ours is not the only way, ours is but another way.” How glibly they profess their superiority over others while at the same time acknowledging their ignorance about the rest of humanity. It’s like those Americans who proudly proclaim “they’re number one” and trumpet their world-envied ‘freedom of speech’ with no experience or understanding of life in, say, Sweden or Holland. “Only Jesus has ever done such and such,” they say, “it’s never happened anywhere else.” But how do they know? For they’ve never taken the time to learn of what else has gone on. Not of Buddha nor Krishnanor Ramakrishna nor Amma. Not turned the pages of Autobiography of a Yogi. Not, even, examined the lives of their own saints, such as Therese Neumann or the ones from Avila and Assisi, Padre Pio, Julian of Norwich.

Still, they’re young. And, like I say, they do good things in the world. And, anyway, there’s nothing I care to do about the situation, nor could, except to be myself. Really, that’s the only question: where’s my place in all this? For the foxes have their holes and the birds have their nests, but where has Rory to lay his weary head…

2. Greece

A weird thing happened the other day that sort of freaked me out. I was talking with Christian – that’s his name, but he is a Christian – and I decided to tell him about that vision I had back in December. I’ve been thinking about it a lot again the last few weeks and wondering if maybe the time isn’t approaching. Trying to figure out how one would know, what with “the right time, the right place” being such an obsession of mine. Pretty much right now I’m in that space of just wanting to go for it. The recklessness and the abandon. The freedom I have. But also wondering…

Thinking back to Shasta and how it took a whispering tree and then the timing of going via Shawn’s to finally get me there. Do I need a whispering tree again? Or has hearing the word here and there been sign enough? The fact of cheap flights to Greece? Or…

Not long after I had that vision back in December I played Christian at a game of squash. We were talking various things after and I figured, well here’s a guy who shouldn’t find such things outlandish. So I told him the story but omitted to mention the name of the town – as I did in this blog – for wanting some sort of divine intervention and for someone to corroborate the vision. You know, like them popping up and saying, “you should go to Korinth” and me going, “wow, I just had a vision about that; I should.” But no such thing happened that day and I let it sit while all those various other things transpired anyway (Vipassana, Nicky, crashing, humility, making it up with Laura and mum, meeting the Christians). Seems to me like they’ve been really good things, and definite reasons for not leaving Leeds when I had all that time of desperately wanting to. Happiness and peace have returned and all things heartbreak have been forgotten. So it was good that I stuck with that – good that I listened to the I Ching and to my feelings – and now here I am, better and enjoying the world once again. But…

The other day we’re walking down the street and I tell Christian the name in my vision was Korinth. And he tells me that he went there back around Easter time. Back around the time, actually, that I wasn’t really doing very much and was just leaving my flat.

My mind kind of stops. What if, I want to know, I’d told him the specifics of my vision back in December when we’d been playing squash? What if I’d reached out to these guys a little sooner, as so very nearly happened around March anyway? Would I have gone there with him? Would it have been like Shasta, or Mexico, when my journeys coincided with those of another and our two paths became one? Less questioning, less needing to decide so much for myself. Less uncertainty about the right time, the right place. For now uncertainty reigns once again…

I never used to do that, I guess. Never used to be so aloof with that kind of thing. And yet it felt sort of right to keep it to myself. Or was I just “testing the Lord”? To use a weird old phrase.

I guess I’ll never know.

But now Greece and Korinth hangs over my head and I beg to know an answer. Will it be something magical like Shasta? Or will it be a nice little holiday but ultimately fruitless and daft spiritual excursion like Israel? Has the time perhaps not passed? Was that my window or is his mentioning it further incentive? He talks about some caves nearby, says that Korinth wouldn’t be my final destination. And ideas of places elsewhere – Mount Olympus, Delphi, Arkadia – do get me excited. But when, oh Lord? That is the question. To go for two weeks? To go one-way? Such lameness in the way one must book place tickets and predict the future compared to simple thumbs of Shasta and original Mexico days! And what of my life here? The job I currently have? The refereeing? The lack of home and stability and relationship? Or am I made for more than this?

The only way to find one’s way through this maze is to feel it all one day and one decision at a time. This morning, nothing needs deciding upon. These first few waking hours will be used to write and to express all these thoughts and questions and then one will go to work. And who knows? Perhaps life will bring the answers in the meantime?

One day, one decision, one step at a time.

Things to do...

1. Figure out about whether/when to go to Greece
2. Think about the two things for September (PGCE/training to be a psychotherapist)
3. Sell the remaining 5 guitars from last week's epic buying splurge (17 guitars + 1 ukulele)
4. Figure out questions of romance and marriage, etc
5. The job?
6. Write loads about everything above and more
7. Put up those emails from the other day
8. Write emails to the people I owe emails to
9. Maybe go to Wales?
10. Probably not buy that campervan
11. Referee Saturday morning and play squash Sunday
12. Meditate some
13. Write even more, cos that usually brings the answers
14. But right now what I mainly am is in need of some rest after a non-stop day of cycle delivery, refereeing, and then buzzing here and there picking up guitars and a flat tyre and also over one hundred text messages too. So probably have a shower and then settle down to a nice early night. Ah.

Ma-ma

In any case, that was a lovely week and I’m really enjoying my time living with the Christian boys. It’s nice having people around. I like sleeping in a bunkbed and having others in the room, but not right on top of me. It’s chill and they’re ever so open and inviting. The other day a girl came around just as one of the guys was leaving. He didn’t know her but he was immediately like, come in, come in. Then she was like, is so-and-so here? So-and-so wasn’t but how cool is that that the first response when a stranger comes the door just as you’re on your way out is to invite them in? There wasn’t even anyone else home, ‘cept for me and Harry. It’s all just assumed that everyone’s a cherished guest.

Not that I’m in danger of becoming a Christian, mind. And not that they mind that I’m not, or try and convert me, or I am them. But I have been to a few Bible study meetings and said a few things here and there. They’re such sincere and lovely types. So nice to be around moral people not interested in sex, just God and their belovéd Jesus. It’s interesting. I’ve learned a few things. Like the first meeting they were focussing on passages where Jesus called people to be disciples, and also other passages where people were told, no, don’t follow me, go home to your family, or, yes, follow me, but first do this (give away all your possessions) and the young man was sad because he couldn’t. Made me think how no one had really called me to do anything but that I’d done things like leave home and give away all my possessions just ‘cos I thought that’s what I was had to do to get what I wanted. Been a bit extreme, really. So that was a nice lesson.

Also, they like to have tons of fun, and get dressed up, and make loads of jokes, and giggle plenty. One guy’s really funny and he’s into doing comedy and makes up funny songs. He reminds me of another characterful Christian I knew a few years back, but nicer. One I didn’t handle so well. But this one I seem to be doing okay with.

I like too how just accept everything and don’t get into theological arguments. The only time I’ve voiced any dissent was yesterday when a young friend of theirs came over in a bit of an emotional state and I learned that part of his distress was being caused by beliefs I felt were a bit out-of-whack. Then it’s probably good to try and say something – you know, update that hoary old “word of God” – but if the rest of them are happy with what they believe who am I to say anything different? It’s not like I could lead anyone to a better place.

So that’s a nice observation to make. And in the meantime they ask me questions and little titbits of my past come out, as well as stuff already mentioned, like the healing. That aforementioned young friend has expressed an interest in it and he got a little sample yesterday when a headache was removed. How cool! After all these years those headaches still vanish so easily! And when I checked with him a few hours later it was still gone and hadn’t returned. Makes me wonder what miracles might be lined up to take place in the coming weeks. If some are, it could be quite exciting.

Saturday night we spent the early evening making “compliment cards” for the student revisers in the library. The idea is to dress up posh like a fancy waiter and serve them from a trolley to people who are deep in study saying, “compliments, sir?” as they go around. They’re on coloured card and such and we drew little pictures with felt-tip pens and wrote messages of encouragement and fun. There were maybe ten of us around the table and we made two hundred in all. I like it a lot. Then we had an evening of spoken word entertainment with everyone doing poems and songs and humour and I read two poems – “United States” and “The Supraliminal” – and also sang a song. Everyone was really encouraging and even asked for one poem twice. It’s about the first time I’ve read a poem out and I was surprised by the response. But I do like that sonnet of mine.

Another thing they’re planning is a ‘Campus Dash’ and there’s a video of it here. I told you they were fun. I guess I was supposed to be in the video but I think I was napping instead. Been napping a lot this week and it’s been good. So tired! But that’s because I have my cycling job every day and then play either tennis or squash or, as on Friday, go for a 3.3 mile run at 8 o’clock in the morning with my Christian housemates. One of them’s really good at running – runs a 5k in about 18 minutes and also runs half-marathons just for fun – but I more or less kept up with him most of the way. We left the other two behind and had a fun sprint finish. There’s life in the old legs yet! Although I was really done in after Saturday when I went straight from refereeing a game to a ninety-minute session of pretty hardcore squash. My hip hurts. Hope I don’t need a replacement. Although I think it might be less about muscles and joints and more about some dive I did where I crashed into the wall.

Today I feel a little bit like a baby. I woke up and said, ma-ma, ma-ma. I kind of like it. I’m probably typing like a baby too. I might make it something of a practise and go out into the world a bit more wide-eyed and innocent than I usually do. Could be fun. This blog entry was supposed to start with saying, “Let’s pretend life just began today. Let’s live each day as though it’s my first.” I like that spin on the whole mad, “Live each day like it’s your last” philosophy that I guess no one really does anyway. I know that if I lived each day like it was my last I’d get into some pretty mad things – and I certainly wouldn’t be going to work in two hours! So pretty daft, that. But live each day like it’s your first?

Ma-ma!

Emails with Shawn

April 30th:

Sorry for the delay. Not to worry, I've found a comfortable branch of crazy on which to reside. I haven't forgotten your reading, I still intend on doing it. Something is making me wait, whether the wait is based on my own stuff or for your benefit, I'm not completely sure. A big part of this reading thing is about surrendering, so that's what I'm doing. When the wave comes I'll ride it. Hope your'e doing well my brother, I think about you fondly & frequently! I do miss Momma, and I did get high off doing readings, this reading will happen, I imagine, when we are both ready...

Much love,
Shawn

May 7th:

It happened. Saw your picture on Facebook and suddenly I'm in your head, or you're in mine. The old feeling came so I sat down and watched the words happen, words that came without any ideas or thoughts behind them. Honestly, I was surprised that they made any sense when I finally looked up to read them. Anyway, here you go....

Good Light.

Dearest divine soul, you perceive a gulf between the connection that once was to a perceived lack you now find within yourself. This lack, this perceived emptiness has created a yearning in you, a desire for connection, for purpose. What must be understood is that it is only your perception which allows a distance from your connection, from the divine, from us. We have never left. The connection you feel has diminished has never retreated, in fact you are constantly being bathed in our light, in our energy, it is only the aperture of your mind which has contracted leaving you feeling as though life has darkened. This constriction of flow has created a need to reach out, to find comfort in any way that you consider possible in your current state of perception. Loneliness is a self made void that can never be filled by anything in the outer world. It is a vacuum which draws forth and is never satisfied. Ask yourself why it is that you feel disconnected. Target that which separates you from the ever present flow which constantly strives to flow through you. Your mind has been busy building reality in such a way that you may function in a world which is daunting to you. You perceive reality as something other than what it is. You long for the magic, the synchronicity, and your idea that the world is a place devoid of this is mistaken. Calm your mind, open yourself, you will find that this material world is made of the same substance as that which flowed through you for a time when you finally opened yourself up to it. Go forth into the world as a child, with wonder and see it pregnant with possibilities as you once did.

You have progressed on your own and have reached a standstill. There is a stubbornness within you. A refusal to surrender as a means of self-protection. A time has come in which to carry on with your journey with a new opportunity to diminish the selfishness within your nature. This selfishness is not unusual or to be labeled as a negative trait, this notion will only strengthen it. You are instinctively aware that the way in which you may be able to accomplish this is with another. To share a life, to share a love with someone. To grow together, leapfrogging each other on your path of experience. Your mind, your self-created idea of yourself is your biggest obstacle. You attract what you are, this you know and when you encounter someone who is energetically matched to you, you see yourself and reject the person who you are with. This rejection is indicative of an unwillingness to reach inside and face the fears and misgivings you have born of a troubled past and a misguided sense of self-worth. Dear one, you are a beacon of light hiding under an idea of yourself as a limited being. You have been given rare insight and experience and yet these fade into the background in favor of a more realistic outlook on life and your place in it. To say that you will attract what you are does not imply that you must become a better man, a more whole individual and then go forth to attract, you are at a place of standstill and require others to help you grow as you are in this moment. It is necessary to forgive yourself for your past and to forgive those things within you that you perceive as unworthy traits. This can be practiced and accomplished by doing the same in others with the understanding that the flaws and imperfections you see in others are only a reflection of that which you despise within yourself. You are a self-created being full of only light and love and the beauty of diversity, it is labels of good and bad which weigh like an anchor leaving you in stagnant waters. See in others this same beauty of diversity, learn to cherish it within them as well as yourself. Vanquish from your mind the ideal of the perfect partner because it is a false construct and not in line with your vibrational needs at this time. Do not fear making a wrong choice, ride the wave of life where it takes you, see the wonder and beauty in others, have a sense of humor about the labels which your mind persistently places on certain traits or ideals, only then can you allow yourself to surrender to another person and thus weaken the selfish tendencies and false ideals you have created. Through our eyes you are pure beauty and potential, a light which begs to stream forth into the world. Your mind-created ideals appear as murky shadows which lay over this light obscuring it. Stop worrying and thinking so much in regards to relationships and your own purpose, go forth and feel your way through each moment rather than ponder the moments to come. This must be done by you, for yourself. This is your own chosen journey and there is no benefit in being told what steps to take, you must feel your way through, you must walk away from the beach of the notion of this world of so-called reality and wade into the water of feeling and experience until you are ready to plunge into its depths. We are with you every moment, we are guiding you with the quietest of whispers, but the choices must be your own.

May 10th:

Dearest brother, thank you so much for sending this through. A million thanks. I hope you're okay with it again after all this time. As for the reading...

 

...well, I haven't quite had the balls to read it yet! Lol. Don't know why: want to write up latest blog entry first (get empty) and then find a bit of space to sit with it and digest properly. Will let you know.

 

Big groovy love!

Rory

May 18th:

So how do you feel about doing it? Not so unsettling as you thought? Hope it was all good. Must say, there's plenty in there that resonates, and tons of food for thought. Which is perhaps maybe not the idea - thinking enough already! - but how can one help it?

And you wrote all that without reading my blog? Then it makes even more sense than you realise. ;-)

But - phew! - I swear it makes me want to ask a dozen questions more. I'm gonna spend some time with this one. Feel it might compel me to some fairly major changes and I want to try and make sure I get them as right as possible. Too much exuberant flippancy in my youth!

And maybe not enough of it in more recent years. ;-)

Big love to you and yours! Let me know how things are.

Many hugs,

Rory

May 19th:

No it was not unsettling, it was fine. It's not really the readings themselves which I have had issues with, more being perpetually open to stuff, nagged by information which I could do without crowding into my head all the time, wondering if it was just my mind going nutballs or something else but that was then, this is now, it's all good.

As to your question, no I didn't read any of your blog. I have questions too and I wanted to see if this thing could still work, I still question whether or not it was ever real. I still wonder if something was in fact speaking through me or if I was just lucky or if I was just trancing myself out and my subconscious was doing the writing. Granted, things came through for you and many others which I cannot explain away, things which the luckiest of people would probably not have guessed and yet doubt still comes.  I still wonder WTF! I was hoping that by doing this I might get some questions answered. After receiving a request for a reading from someone I haven't talked to in years, then the very next day a request from you, I said to whatever it is out there, "ok, if you want me to do this then prove it, give me some definite sign, then I will." I waited and nothing really happened until I saw your picture on facebook, then I felt something familiar, like I was in your head, like I was both you & me at the same time. That's what always happened before with a reading and I had forgotten about that particular detail. So I did my normal thing, a brief meditation, a prayer Momma taught me then sat down and waited for the first word which came right away. I two-finger typed word after word in rapid succession never looking up and never having any idea of how each sentence is going to end, which in itself I find rather odd.

Afterwords I read it and I thought it sounded like a bunch of vague new-age gobbledy goop. I decided to send it as is and see what happened. Of course I was hoping that there would be something there for you that would help but I admit I was expecting (maybe hoping) you would tell me it's crap and doesn't apply to you at all and I could put it all behind me and stop wondering. After I sent it I then read the blog you posted, that was a continuation I believe, and when I read the part about you seeing your own stuff in others I was surprised and confused having expected this reading to most likely be off base or inaccurate. So, I'm not sure what to think, not sure if this reading really hit home for you or what but I was kinda hoping for something black and white, definitive either way and it seems that neither one of us got that. Maybe there is a lesson in that itself. So now here we are, both asking, what now!? Before when I did these I felt a desire to serve but also there was an ego component, I wanted to be a spiritual somebody. Through it all I have come to a satisfied place, I know myself to be made of consciousness or awareness that lurks behind everything and that's it, no biggy really just doing my day to day shit. Not having that desire to be some kinda Mega-Christ or Super-Buddha anymore is very nice and thus the desire to do readings and be crazy open to all kinds of spirits tampering and fucking with me is all gone.

Don't know why I'm telling you all this but I guess your the only one now days that I ever would tell it to! In the end everything's cool on my end, I guess not having all the answers is fine ;) I'll just keep on keeping on and take it as it comes.... Hope everything is working out for you, let me know how your doing, talk to you later.

Much love,
Shawn

May 20th:

Aha! Well I'm really glad it was all good for you and not nutballs again! Funny thing is that I've just started living with some very young Christians and mentioned the healing thing for the first time in years the other day and one or two people have expressed an interest in experiencing that, so we'll see where that goes. Something I've tried to push away or forget about or 'transcend' or just wasn't sure what to do with but something I always think about and, of course, always loved since it always feels groovy and peaceful and nice. But probably there always was that ego thing and, yep, that "super-Buddha" thing - LOL! - but, like you said, it doesn't really feel like that these days - know myself too well as just a very normal quite often douchebag bloke - so not much chance of that.

Anyways...to your reading. Well, I guess for me there's not really much need for 'proof' since you've done so many in the past and they were always awesome but I guess being naturally cynically-minded - not a bad thing - 'concrete proof' is something I look for too. But then again, especially when I remember the one time I was lucky enough to be in person with you when you did it that was all the proof I ever needed. 'Specially that stomach healing thing you/they did! All very groovy. And I do want to think/write more about this most recent reading but I guess I wanted to give it a bit more time, things are very much in transition with me and I'm trying not to jump to mad conclusions these days. ;-) But your email makes me want to just address a few things in there so you know that it was actually pretty specific. Like the loneliness - something I'd been writing about loads over the previous months - and also that "perceived diminished connection". Very helpful, that. Perhaps that thing about "building reality in such a way that you may function in a world which is daunting to you" was one of the most specific things too - something I think about a lot. Like have I traded in spiritual awareness for some future material comfort (career, house, etc) and it's something I'm not particularly comfortable with. What's it profit a man to gain the whole world but lose his soul, etc. That kind of thing makes me want to give up the life I currently live and hit the road and be a wandering soul/sadhu again and in the more magical kind of vibe. But then like it rightly says there's magic everywhere and it's up to me to see that, and even in the last week by making a bit more of an effort to see that it happens.

The relationship stuff, too, was really good. So much of a direct echo of stuff I'd come to realise on my own - it's all there in my blog in about a hundred thousand words of recent writings; would never have expected you or anyone else to have read that! - and also stuff that I recently read but hadn't read before. Most definitely that line about: "You attract what you are, this you know and when you encounter someone who is energetically matched to you, you see yourself and reject the person who you are with." A tricky one, that, when trying to knuckle down and find a partner. But then maybe knuckling down and doing the traditional thing isn't what I need; more the Conversations With God philosophy that the purpose of a relationship is mutual growth and expression, and kids and companionship are a happy by-product of that. And long have I told myself that having a child would be the best way for me to learn love - what I guess I ultimately believe the purpose of life to be about - but I always fall short because of commitment issues and imagining the "perfect partner" around the corner. I guess when I talk about specifics that's what I was hoping for, 'cos there was a stage when that was really driving me mad. Like for a long time I was very hung up on Sophie, my Canadian ex, and in a lot of ways I still feel that "she was the one" but I just blew it with her. Like she's the only girl I ever really saw myself growing old with and imagined being pregnant - and being happy with that - and, man, I loved her so much. But the biggest part of me has come to accept that she's gone and that's that. And really it was only when I dig the iboga a couple of years back - did I mention that to you? - that it really hit home. Sometimes I lapse in that but the better part of me knows "she's gone." That leaves Laura, who I've been involved with all the way back to 2001, and the whole thing with Momma which is...

Well, I'm typing now and don't seem to be able to stop! Quite unusual cos I've been finding it very hard to write emails the last year or so but here it comes...

Well I don't know if you remember but after I came back to Yorkshire following my experiment in French heartbreak I called up Momma and, still full of confusion about Eve, Momma said, "she's not the one, another will be coming before the end of August, a soul-mate, beautiful inside and out, and this one'll be forever." And then I met a girl called Laura who said she felt like I was her soul-mate and also had a dream about Sophie that said she was my soul-mate. And destiny and my feelings and everything led me to Sophie and I was with her for four years and, like I say, felt she was the one. But here we are, all these years later, and still chief among my thoughts are being with someone and, man, though I know intellectually it's about taking a risk and nobody's gonna tell me who to pick and there are no assurances and, anyway, no one's perfect and it's about me being the right person rather than me being with the right person, wow, I find it hard. But a few months back Laura tells me about going to party and how some guy had said she was "beautiful inside and out" - Momma's words exactly - and it was just like the prophecy had come to fulfilment, all at the right time, and there it was: either do it or bail. And I bailed cos I felt the full force of my fear of commitment - which is really the fear of being trapped in an unhappy/wrong situation - and felt I'd rather die than have to go through with it and I've been dwelling on that ever since.

Stubbornness. Selfishness. You name it. Quite literally: you named it in your reading. And still I can't give in.

Why not? I'm just not sure I feel it with Laura. Or that I for some reason have this idea that I want to be with someone prettier. That's awful, I know, but I just don't find her attractive. Except, sometimes I do. And sometimes I tell myself that it doesn't matter anyway and that I'm just being foolish and shallow. And then sometimes I remember that after I first met Grace in that Santa Fe supermarket back in '99 how I got back in the car and flicked on the radio and the song that was playing was, "if you wanna be happy for the rest of your life/never make a pretty woman your wife" and it all kind of adds up. But then that's the way my brain works too: that I take all these 'signs' and 'coincidences' and whatever life situation I find myself in I create a story so that it all makes sense and comes across as 'predetermined', which is probably a little silly also. But, oh well.

The thing is, I think about Grace pretty much every day and it's messing me up. Fourteen years ago! But I can't commit because...well, what if she's the one and I'm meant to go looking for her or contact her or we bump into one another one day? Mental, I know, but I just can't let it go. And I guess that's another specific I was hoping for.

I don't know if you remember - man, I remember everything cos I tell these stories to myself over and over - but you did a reading for me not long after my second meeting with Grace (in a gas station) and you said, "this person has been very close to you over many lifetimes; what couldn't be achieved separately can be together" or something like that. I really felt she was like my soul-mate at the time. But that didn't turn into anything and I struggle to understand what it all meant. I'd love to know, to hear from her, to have some clarity on that. I have ideas - chiefly that it didn't really mean anything - but it doesn't stop me thinking about her, or keeping myself open, or feeling massive regret for being hung up on my plans and not going with her when I had the chance. I'd give anything to know the truth of that whole thing and move on from it, one way or the other.

I guess if I had you sat here and could ask anything that'd definitely be one of the questions. What the hell did it all mean? Did I miss out by not going with her? When I had that feeling of wanting to marry her was it a genuine feeling? And could I have done it/should I have done it or was there no way around the fear that stopped me? Or was it even fear? Was, perhaps, that line I felt come to me and fed her about "whatever happens twice will surely happen a third time" something of a truth?

Wow: so much confusion. And maybe it's all symptomatic of my reluctance to commit to someone rather than the cause of it but...

I told Laura not too long ago that one of the reasons I could never be with her was because I knew it wouldn't end, that I'd be in it "forever", and that maybe one of the reasons I was able to be with other people was that I knew with them it would end because something inside me knew they were "wrong" for me. So what am I? Just one of those guys/gals destined to choose over and over the wrong person based on faulty childhood imprints received from my parents? That's sort of annoying and sad - particularly as I get to the age when these things are starting to feel very much "last chance saloon."

Of course, everything I say is with a certain lightness and tongue-in-cheek. But you know what I mean.

Too many questions. Is Laura the one? Should I just go for it? Will it work out okay? But as they say, there's no one going to give me the answers to questions like that, and these are the questions probably thousands of men all over the world are asking themselves and their friends right now. I don't know why I'm not able to make progress in this, and why I'm so hung up on physical attraction. Maybe Grace's ruined me for all other women: certainly I still remember her face and seek it out in those I see every day, find reminders. Or maybe something else. Weirdly, Angelina Jolie's mastectomy hit me hard this week: it was a bit like, if one of the world's most beautiful  and desired women can go beyond superficial ideas of her own body in such a dramatic way why can't I? Man, I do shake my head at that. I'd be pretty disappointed in myself if I could take anything seriously and didn't feel so good when typing to you!

What else was in your reading? "Leapfrogging one another" - yes, I've experienced that, and like how that works. Not sure I could have that with Laura.  Always feels to me that I'm leading the way, that she's always looking to me for answers and guidance. Though with Nicky there was definitely a sense of that. Even with Perlilly. Also: "[The] rejection [of the other] indicative of an unwillingness to reach inside and face the fears and misgivings you have born of a troubled past and a misguided sense of self-worth." Man, that line really echoed a line in the Pathworks thing I read a while ago that totally resonated with and troubled me. Bang on. Absolutely true. And: ouch! Too much self-worth! How accurate, and accurately painful. But how to go beyond it? Wow: it'd take a real special chick to hang in there with me and stay by my side while I went through the process of truly realising that I'm not the dog's gold-plated bollocks! Man, I think I've always felt I'm better than everyone else, including my partners. How lame is that! How ridiculous! And, yeah, so obviously a cover-up for insecurities and feelings of inadequacy but...knowing that doesn't make it go away, doesn't stop me finding justifications wherever I look. I know being with someone would help bring that out of me - but I can't help but feel it really would have to be "the right person" - 'cos anyone else I'd just drive away before they even had the chance.

Nicky? We definitely had some mad karma going on together these last six months. But when I saw the me-in-her that I didn't like I rejected her too.

Not really any wonder that I want some outside answer on all of this: s'been a long ol' mind-fuck. And I just don't seem to be able to find the way out myself. But it sure is fun trying! Just a shame these bodies have to go grow old and die while we're doing it. Time is a-ticking! At least, that's my (current) belief. ;-)

Finally - for this is getting very long - "You have been given rare insight and experience and yet these fade into the background in favor of a more realistic outlook on life." Have I been given rare insight and experience? How rare? Am I "not normal" after all? Should I be doing something with that "insight"? For example, devoting my life to spiritual things instead of trying to make it work in the financial sense, etc? Am I squandering gifts? Keeping my lamp under a basket? I mean, God knows I'd love to be in that zone and do something useful with it - but I don't see no angels knocking on my door telling me to get down to some task, hear God directing me to cities to deliver some message, bestow any gifts like seems to happen with other people. Mostly it just seems like I'm a bloke alone trying to figure it all out. Likewise, "Do not fear making a wrong choice, ride the wave of life where it takes you." Thing is, the wave of life doesn't seem to be taking me anywhere, it just seems to be me having to make decisions - and they're generally decisions that come across as daft. ;-) Although...the wave of life definitely brought me back to Leeds (through the gift of a four grand university bursary) and probably into football refereeing too. I like that job. It pays for everything I need and it's pretty minimal. But was it just for the time? Is it done now? Or something to commit to for the next several years, see where it goes? And also my ideas about training to be a psychotherapist: is that the "wave of life" or is that me buying into future-old age-pension-mortgage-expensive wife and kids consciousness? I just don't know - 'cos when I hear things like "ride the wave of life" and "don't fear making a wrong choice" I think about jettisoning everything and going off on mad adventures to far-off sunny lands like Mexico or Greece and that scares me. I don't want to be looking back in twenty years thinking I just squandered my life through a fear of adult responsibility. But nor do I want to squander my spiritual life through a fear of doing the wrong thing - if that makes any sense...

Finally - really finally - I love the line, "Vanquish from your mind the ideal of the perfect partner because it is a false construct and not in line with your vibrational needs at this time." I love that I have "vibrational needs", it so much reminds me of times when I knew everything that flowed into my life was because of my vibration, and that as my vibration changed the things that flowed towards me changed, and changed dramatically. That in turn makes me question my constant looking to the past, especially with regard to a partner. Eve and Laura and Grace and Sophia - maybe they were all "in line with my vibrational needs" at the time but no longer are, and so looking back is futile and daft. We move on, we grow apart - and we're only in connection, and they're only in my mind, because of modern-day contraptions like email and facebook and the internet whereas in the not-too distant past - in my own lifetime - we'd never have kept in touch. I find that somewhat frustrating and annoying. But then I feel really glad that you and I have kept in touch, and that I can talk with you like this, and hear what you're up to, and also benefit from your channelling gift, which I of course wholeheartedly encourage you to let happen. It's definitely of use to others. And in my experience and opinion, a real rare and true gift. There are so many charlatans, fakers, mistaken and delusional people out there - but I really do believe that what comes through you is right on. It's weird and mad and I know neither of us understand it but - well, it's also real too, and it works. I'd go for it - but I understand why you have your reluctance, especially when you talk about information coming crowding into your head. I guess I never really had that but I know others that have and they decided they'd rather live without it, watch TV instead. I guess those like you and I just can't let these things go. Well, after all, we did once give our lives for the cause, lol! And anyways...

This really is very long now. I should have been in bed two hours ago but I just couldn't stop typing. Real strange for me too. But I'll trust that it's the right way to go. I know I've said a bunch and a bunch of that is questions - perhaps rhetorical but your insight always welcome, nonetheless. And if the angels want to wade in and get specific - well then I'd welcome that too! Particularly with regard to Grace and Laura and earning money/staying in one place/being a hobo instead (one reading you did said, "move through the world, settle it doesn't really matter" - the infuriating beauty of free will, lol!) Also writing I suppose - it's questions of women and marriage and writing and occupation and God that fills my brain pretty much all day every day, and doesn't ever seem to change. Talk about standstill! Talk about stuck record, lol! Maybe I should send you a photograph every day to get them angel-channelling juices a-flowin. ;-)

Ah, Shawn, I do apologise for all that: but you know how wild I am once the fingers get to going. Maybe one day we'll have a normal conversation; wouldn't that be fun?!

So: big love to you and yours. I'm glad you still like writing your thoughts to me and happy to be at least one divine-loving loon in the world that you can do that with. Always interesting to hear what you have to say.

Thanks for everything.

Lots of love,

Rory

A reading

It’s a full ten days since I started trying to catch up on events lived. In the meantime, more events have been lived and been uncaught up on. Such is life. In all honesty, I’m not sure I can be bothered to blog much at the moment. All things Nicky have been brought to completion and that was the main impetus behind all this year’s writing, and now that she’s out of my life and my head I see no reason to put her back into it by thinking and typing about her. Now I’m back to simply living, to being happy. Of course, there are things to figure out – the relationship things, the career things – but perhaps it’s best to write about those once decisions have been made. Or perhaps not. In any case…

I had thought there was more to say about the days immediately before and after moving house, but beyond talking about how busy I was I’m not sure what. Think I must have recorded everything that was necessary. Maybe some questions would be in order. Such as…

– Laura. Tell us about Laura. One minute you were wanting to whisk her off to Scotland and get wed. But then…

But then nothing much happened. I kept it inside, I guess. She came over once for pizza and I was all set to tell her stuff, even said I had a surprise for her. But then I bottled it. Didn’t want to get her hopes up. Didn’t want to start leading her down a path I perhaps wasn’t equipped to travel. Also, probably, postponing commitment and the adult life for as long as I possibly can. Also, uncertainty…

I did an I Ching about her and the chapter I got was “family”. This was right after that night she sort of (in my head) fulfilled Momma’s 2001 prophecy and I felt the full extent of my fear of being trapped. “Family” at first seemed encouraging and positive – no changing lines – but then when I read the smallprint I had to gulp: it talked about how one’s actions had to match one’s words, that one had to be sure. Couple that with Pathworks’ warnings about the intention, the belief, the fantasy sometimes/often exceeding the ability and I backed out. What if I wasn’t capable, despite my strength of conviction? In my mind I say I’m ready, I’ll do it, I can stick at this thing – but is it really in my locker, my armoury? Or is it merely an idea?

I couldn’t lead the poor girl on anymore. She’s felt hurt too many times through her relationship with me. She says we’ll just be friends and that seems like a sensible way to go. We spend nice time together and share platonic baths and beds – probably seems weird to some – and through that I guess the impulse to be with her has dwindled, the urge to merge done passed. I don’t know how you’d even tell if you wanted to be with someone. If you let go of lust and what you chiefly feel in their company is relaxation…well, it’s such a far cry from what I’ve been taught of what it feels like to desire another.

Montaigne says if there is such a thing as a good marriage it’s one that resembles friendship rather than love. Maybe he’s right. But all my life I’ve believed something completely different. Anyways…

– You had a dream last night. What was the dream?

I dreamed I was with Amma, in India I think. Like a private darshan really. She spoke to me in English, seemed to encourage me to be with someone, echoed words spoken in that latest angel channelling reading (that I’ll get to) and also some other things. She was going to leave it at that but I pressed her to tell me a name. As always happens in these situations it was made clear that the choice would have to be mine, that no one was going to tell me. So frustrating but I guess that’s the way it has to be. All Amma would say was, who’s your number one? I said, well, there’s Laura but then there’s also Julia – no, not Julia, Grace. I don’t have one number one, I have a few. Certainly Laura, yes, but also…

In the real world I think about Grace every day. Still plot to run off to find her. Still seek her face in the hundreds and thousands of women I zoom past on my bike. Still imagine some incredible synchronistic meeting either here or in Canadaor some other country (India, Mexico, Greece). Christ, I’d love to be free from those things, one way or the other! But I just don’t know if I ever will be, without actually tackling it head on…

I’m thinking of going on holiday. I saw some cheap flights to the Yucatan. Then I thought, yeah, but I’ve already been there. Then I saw a cheap flight to Thessalonikiand remembered my dream/vision of last year and that got me thinking…

Anyway. What I wanted to do originally was write the everything of everything – all the Nicky and house moving and new situation and further developments – to get it all out of my system – and then move on to the new thing, which was an angel channelling reading from a dear old friend of mine who readers of yore will know well. He hasn’t done them for years but such has been my inner-kerfuffle over relationship things I felt I needed his help. He was reluctant but also said he felt it would be right to do one when the time came. And eleven days ago the time came. I was so nervous I didn’t read it for a few days. Just wanted to be in the right space, the right place. That was why I wanted to write myself out, get to a point of blank canvas, have a clear mind. So I guess I did. And then I read it. And this is what it said:

“Good Light.

Dearest divine soul, you perceive a gulf between the connection that once was to a perceived lack you now find within yourself. This lack, this perceived emptiness has created a yearning in you, a desire for connection, for purpose. What must be understood is that it is only your perception which allows a distance from your connection, from the divine, from us. We have never left. The connection you feel has diminished has never retreated, in fact you are constantly being bathed in our light, in our energy, it is only the aperture of your mind which has contracted leaving you feeling as though life has darkened. This constriction of flow has created a need to reach out, to find comfort in any way that you consider possible in your current state of perception. Loneliness is a self made void that can never be filled by anything in the outer world. It is a vacuum which draws forth and is never satisfied. Ask yourself why it is that you feel disconnected. Target that which separates you from the ever present flow which constantly strives to flow through you. Your mind has been busy building reality in such a way that you may function in a world which is daunting to you. You perceive reality as something other than what it is. You long for the magic, the synchronicity, and your idea that the world is a place devoid of this is mistaken. Calm your mind, open yourself, you will find that this material world is made of the same substance as that which flowed through you for a time when you finally opened yourself up to it. Go forth into the world as a child, with wonder and see it pregnant with possibilities as you once did.

You have progressed on your own and have reached a standstill. There is a stubbornness within you. A refusal to surrender as a means of self-protection. A time has come in which to carry on with your journey with a new opportunity to diminish the selfishness within your nature. This selfishness is not unusual or to be labeled as a negative trait, this notion will only strengthen it. You are instinctively aware that the way in which you may be able to accomplish this is with another. To share a life, to share a love with someone. To grow together, leapfrogging each other on your path of experience. Your mind, your self-created idea of yourself is your biggest obstacle. You attract what you are, this you know and when you encounter someone who is energetically matched to you, you see yourself and reject the person who you are with. This rejection is indicative of an unwillingness to reach inside and face the fears and misgivings you have born of a troubled past and a misguided sense of self-worth. Dear one, you are a beacon of light hiding under an idea of yourself as a limited being. You have been given rare insight and experience and yet these fade into the background in favor of a more realistic outlook on life and your place in it. To say that you will attract what you are does not imply that you must become a better man, a more whole individual and then go forth to attract, you are at a place of standstill and require others to help you grow as you are in this moment. It is necessary to forgive yourself for your past and to forgive those things within you that you perceive as unworthy traits. This can be practiced and accomplished by doing the same in others with the understanding that the flaws and imperfections you see in others are only a reflection of that which you despise within yourself. You are a self-created being full of only light and love and the beauty of diversity, it is labels of good and bad which weigh like an anchor leaving you in stagnant waters. See in others this same beauty of diversity, learn to cherish it within them as well as yourself. Vanquish from your mind the ideal of the perfect partner because it is a false construct and not in line with your vibrational needs at this time. Do not fear making a wrong choice, ride the wave of life where it takes you, see the wonder and beauty in others, have a sense of humor about the labels which your mind persistently places on certain traits or ideals, only then can you allow yourself to surrender to another person and thus weaken the selfish tendencies and false ideals you have created. Through our eyes you are pure beauty and potential, a light which begs to stream forth into the world. Your mind-created ideals appear as murky shadows which lay over this light obscuring it. Stop worrying and thinking so much in regards to relationships and your own purpose, go forth and feel your way through each moment rather than ponder the moments to come. This must be done by you, for yourself. This is your own chosen journey and there is no benefit in being told what steps to take, you must feel your way through, you must walk away from the beach of the notion of this world of so-called reality and wade into the water of feeling and experience until you are ready to plunge into its depths. We are with you every moment, we are guiding you with the quietest of whispers, but the choices must be your own.”

Reading that my mind kind of stops. It makes perfect sense and yet it’s so hard to understand. I guess I beg to know what to do with it. What changes to make to my life. Where and how to live. Who to spend my time with. What kind of me to be. What to do for work and ‘reality’. All those things. I…

It kind of makes me want to weep. I guess I was hoping for clear, direct answers. A name of some woman to commit myself to. Clarity regarding those of old – Sophie and Julia and Grace. A voice I trust saying, no, not her, here’s why, this is the one you should go for, and why. But like already stated, and as stated in the reading, the choices must be my own. How frustrating! (he jokes). But could it be any other way?

I like the stuff about the divinity I once felt so strongly not really having left me, just that my perception has changed through the narrowing of my mind. No doubt true, that, and something to work on. To be open to the magic that’s around me here in Leeds. Those chance encounters and meetings that would be grasped and understood so joyously if in some sunny tropical climes when inhabiting an open, “traveller’s mind.” But everywhere’s the same, it’s just the mind that’s different. And I know those same encounters happen here, it’s just that I don’t see them so clearly because I’m too busy focussing on other things. Like the way when I was in the healing zone and I took every meeting with someone who mentioned an ailment as a divine set-up and always spoke to them of that gift. But here I somehow don’t see it and just take it as part of everyday language and quickly move on to Morrison’s and the need for half-price cheese. You know what I’m saying, right? Bring that traveller’s mind home to Leeds – for everywhere is but a city, someone’s hometown, a place where they shop and tread the same route day after day and go to work, but when we’re there it’s our minds that change…

Still. Those words about ‘reality’: “Your mind has been busy building reality in such a way that you may function in a world which is daunting to you.” Does this mean that I’ve been wrong in that? The way that my focus has shifted to thoughts of money and getting older and all the normal world things such as buying a house and how to survive and prosper materially and getting so caught up in thoughts of the distant future, of wives and kids and houses and pet animals that don’t even exist yet? Me in a suit rather than me in a loincloth? I dunno. Again I feel a bit like crying, like stopping this writing, like I don’t really understand ANYTHING. But know it’s all good.

To get back on that road? To follow the whims of my heart as I would have done fifteen years ago? To forsake Mother Meera’s encouragements to work and stay home and be normal?

I think of Laura and think of how it is with her. She’s got her spiritual interests but she’s very “real world.” I’m terrified of how that life would look. Television and shopping and getting nagged about not being productive enough. Worries about cars and wanting to go places and, not that she’s like that loads, but…well it seems a far cry from…

No, I’m getting lost in ideas of the future and some perfect imagined scenario and probably the fantasy figure of Grace, the ideal and flawlessly compatible other: the exact manner of thinking that this reading warns against.

I want to stop typing. I feel terrified by everything. Like a child who knows nothing. Like a mind desperate to run away.

I guess I’ll just dwell on it for a bit. And laugh at myself and be happy. Eat an egg sandwich and go referee some football and trust that the answers will come. All the while hoping that there’s someone in the world who understands where I’m at.

It’s all good. Everything is good. And exciting too. A universe of possibilities.

Wow.

The everything (part two)

CONTINUED FROM PREVIOUS

2. Nicky

And then we come to Nicky. And the first thing to say about that is it’s all done and dusted and I guess I’ve let her go and have no interest in seeing her again and the whole thing’s so complete and over and fine even typing this now I realise I can barely remember anything about it. Which I take as a good sign. I gave it my all and I guess I reached the end, finally. And now we’ve come out the other side. So…

There was that night after the café apology and the resisting of all those “urges to merge” that we were feeling. Or, at least, I resisted them. Seemed like the wise thing to do. Felt okay, didn’t shake anything up. But then my friend Stevie sent me links to this possibly mad sixties New Age channelled thing called Pathworks and the one I read on “Mutuality” really kind of shook my bones. It seemed to be describing really precisely a lot of the things I’d recently lived through and ‘discovered’. The way my inner-being was mirrored in others. The way I’d thought that, actually, even though a lot of the things I’d seen in that mirror didn’t appeal to me and that I therefore decided that I would change them about myself, maybe it wasn’t about that, or that I wasn’t able to change them, it was just about seeing them, accepting them, and carrying on, with them intact. If that makes any sense. Which it probably doesn’t. Thing is, the thing itself didn’t make much sense – except, it did. I dunno: it confused me and shook me up and kind of made me feel that kicking Nicky out of my life might not be a wise thing. Nor denying “the urge to merge”. Maybe there was something to learn there. Maybe denying was the problem and going with it the answer. Although it did say something about not necessarily needing to act on such impulses.

Anyways, I kind of decided to act on them.

And probably for any of this to make any sense you need to read the weird thing itself. The link is here.

But – two things I should say about that. One is that I googled some stuff and found people saying some very concerned things about pathworks, that it made people weird and was a bit cultish and all the usual thing. Well maybe that’s true and maybe it’s not – a lot of people get weird about a lot of things, good and bad. But, secondly, and more importantly for me, a very strange occurrence: for in the morning after reading that stuff and feeling quite troubled and perplexed and unsure about anything in the world and in my life – that old ‘nature of reality’ question again and thinking nothing’s as it seems but not having the first clue how it really is – I looked at my bookshelf and noticed this philosophy book sticking weirdly out as though some unseen invisible hand had earmarked it for me and whispered, here, have a read of this, there’ll be something useful in it for you. I could think of no logical reason for it to be sticking out like that; I certainly hadn’t left it that way. I picked it up and flicked open to a random page.

There was a quote from Montaigne. It basically said something like, “no philosophy which doesn’t bring goodness to your life is worth trying to understand.”

I dug that immensely. It was like a balm to the part of my brain that was trying to get to grips with the pathworks thing. I didn’t understand it. It troubled me. I thought maybe I had to try and wrestle with it and dig out the relevant meaning. But maybe this was a sign to say, “that stuff won’t do you any good, don’t waste your time trying to figure it out. There’s nothing wrong with your not understanding it because there’s nothing of benefit to understand. Just because you don’t understand it perfectly it doesn’t mean that it’s deep and meaningful and necessary to grapple with. Let it go. Ignore it. It’s probably just weird.”

And so that’s what I mostly did. Except that when I next saw Nicky on the Wednesday I was probably much more open and looking more to explore whatever issues there were between us and whatever I might have been keeping back – and when that urge to close the physical gap arose – whether just in hugs and caresses, initially at least – I went with it. And hair-stroking. And then face kisses too.

And so we had sex. And it was pretty decent. In fact, she seemed more sexually powerful and alluring than ever. And new things happened: things that hadn’t happened in all the time we’d been together. Cool things. Hot things. It was pretty groovy. Or, at least, she was. One thing I was realising was I was basing how much I enjoyed sex on how much she enjoyed sex, like most of my pleasure came out of how much pleasure I was able to give her. Which is how I’ve been most of my life. But whether I actually enjoyed it for myself was another matter. I mean, I did, but probably not as much as I think I did, if you know what I mean.

Point is, what I’ve realised is Laura’s probably the only girl I’ve been intimately connected with – in an emotional, relationship-style way – where I actually really, really enjoy the sex from my side too.

Do you know what I mean by that? It’s hard to explain. Because, of course, it’s almost always enjoyable, and frequently really enjoyable too. But a lot of it is about the giving. And, in Nicky’s case, what she takes. I get off on seeing how much she’s loving it – as I have with others – but I guess there’s an imbalance. It’s a give and take thing and maybe, is some cases, I give too much, or take too little, or don’t give of myself, or get with those who take too much. Probably I’m too much hung up on ‘performance fixation’ and judge my standards as a lover by how much I get the other person off. Actually, no probably involved: that’s exactly what I do. Except with Laura. And, funnily enough, Laura’s the only girl I never really had ‘performance anxiety’ with too. It’s maybe because I know I’m completely accepted with her and am therefore free to enjoy, to give of myself and not just ‘to give stimulation’. It’s all very difficult to explain. And probably I’ve gone off track. The point is: this is something I think about. And also: there I go again, sleeping with Nicky. Three times now resolved to boot her out of my life and three times forgiven. Twice for deceit and once for something else. But I don’t have it in me to stay angry at anyone. And how easily the connection and the attraction are restored through the simple act of talking things through. I forgive and forget. Until something kicks off and I all too clearly remember…

But do you remember now? Do you remember how I was saying that I came home on the Thursday night after refereeing I realised I’d lost my keys and was lying on my doorstep and everything was sort of crazy what with needing to move out and go to work and not having anywhere sorted to live? And so what with Nicky’s van being all part of that I of course called her up and told her what was going on and given that she’d already offered for me to stay at hers the Friday night she said I should go over there then and so I did. Man, we were both so tired out of our minds after being up till 3 or something the night before and then getting up early to go off all day to our respective works – I cycled and then did 5-a-side down at Goals till like 10pm – but, well there was always so much to talk about and we stayed up another few hours talking and then ended up making love again but – well at least we (I) had developed the sense to use a condom now (at least for the important bits) and I guess there I was biting into that apple, and there she was too.

But why was she doing it? For a part of me had started to think, hm, maybe this is the way she gets to feel good about herself with me in the sense that, there I am, one day mad and not wanting to have anything to do with her and then the next day she’s apologising (a little bit) and then the connection’s back and – what better way to feel forgiven and have your deceit rubberstamped and accepted than in being made love to and loved and adored in a physical way? So maybe that was part of what was going on anyway. Well, I can’t say I’ve never acted in ways like that myself and it’s probably totally understandable. Who doesn’t want to be forgiven and adored and loved? Who doesn’t want to keep hold of something great, even if it’s time to let go of it? Better than not having it, while you’re in the limbo of waiting for the next thing to come along. On some level, anyway.

But not that any of that matters: it’s all by-the-bye now, for things moved on again – or back – or cemented more strongly – and finally reached their natural conclusion (perhaps) when –

We woke Friday morning and drove over to mine. She went off to work and once I’d found my keys I loaded up my stuff. I biked till 3.40. I reffed till about 10. And then I went over to hers and she fed me and I was so tired and crazy and exhausted I picked up a bottle of wine and took an eccentric big swig straight from the bottle – first alcohol in maybe three or four years – and instantly became tipsy and lolling about and daft. It tasted horrible. The feeling wasn’t nice. But I did enjoy the silliness and thought, here’s a side she hasn’t seen yet, might as well let it out, and got stupid swaying in my chair for a while and, wow, I don’t know why people imbibe that stuff, probably be another three or four years before I do that again, if at all. It just makes my head mushy. But what the hell.

We went upstairs. We made love. And in the morning I woke up early and to pass some time took her computer downstairs while she slept and figured I’d catch up on emails. Except what I did before that was have a quick look on her internet history to see whether she did actually secretly look at porn – such a goody two-shoes in certain ways – but all that sneaky little look did was reveal that she was just as good (in that regard) as I thought. All very wholesome stuff. Always liked that about her, to be fair. Oh, and a record of a plane ticket to Ireland bought Thursday night for two weeks hence. Fair enough.

Although I say fair enough knowing that it troubled me a bit and, oh well, what can you do…

When I went back up and she was up and about I couldn’t really think of anything else but didn’t know how to broach it. So amongst chats of other things I casually asked her when she was off to Irelandnext. It was an okay question: I was being fine with chatting about Ireland and this other guy and the one before that too. I wasn’t repressing, I didn’t find it troublesome. All very adult and free. And better out than in. But not better when she replied that she was thinking about going in June for the purpose of seeing her female friend.

You flying, I asked.

(You’ll remember how she had that no-fly vow for a certain time).

I don’t know, she said, I haven’t decided.

Hm.

I asked her about it again a bit later. She…

Well, I won’t describe the whole thing in graphic detail, it doesn’t do anyone any favours. Fact of the matter is she did some weird charade and hop-skip-and-a-jump about the whole thing like when pushed on whether she was going in May or not said, well, it’s beginning of June, end of May, not really sure on exact dates, let me just look in my diary, and then sat there opposite me flicking through diary pages and looking me in the eye and denying it and lying so well – no trace! no eyes flicking hither thither, to the left, wherever they’re supposed to go! – and, wow, this is amazing.

So I call time. I tell her I saw it on her computer, that she’s already bought a ticket and that I know she’s off in May and, once you get beyond all that stuff about, you shouldn’t have been looking at that, what you’re left with is bare-faced lies right in the face of someone you’re supposed to love – or at least be good to – and back we go once more to where we were not so long ago.

I type all this flippantly now, because it’s a couple of weeks back and I’ve moved on – but at the time, lemme tell you, I was hurt. My brain just kind of stopped. I couldn’t compute. I went and sat away from her and put my hood up and rested my face in my hands. I couldn’t think of anything. It was right back to times of deceit before and how to know whether anything you’ve experienced with this person was real, if they can lie about such small things, etc. I mean, why not just say? How to be so cold with it? And that whole charade with the diary?

I mean, I’m no saint but…

She sat there saying “fuck” and “shit” and beating herself up about it. Couldn’t believe she’d done it. Said she was sorry.

I sat with my head in my hands a long time. Blocking everything out. That blesséd hood comforting me like a blanket. Nothing to say or think. Just done.

I’m thankful in a lot of ways. Feelings about her have been confused for a long time. Her feeling about me too, no doubt. But something like this clears it up most efficiently. Without trust there can be no relationship. The first thing I wrote on my list of what love is was “honesty”.

Eventually I get up. She carries on being sorry. There’s still nothing to say. Nothing to do except drive this van down to my dad’s shop and unload my stuff and never waste my time with her again.

I ride my bike there and she drives. I’m feeling good. Done. I get there first and chat happily with my dad’s partner and an old associate and ask him where he got his hair cut, I need mine sorting and feel like splashing out and getting something nice.

Nicky arrives and we get stuck in. Everything goes upstairs lickety-split and then it’s time to say goodbye.

She says sorry. She’s genuinely remorseful. I’ve no hard feelings but the love has died. Or, at least, the expression of it. I wish her no ill. I don’t hate her. But I’m done.

We hug and it’s probably a little coldly. I guess that’s the feeling I’m hoping she’ll get. That I’m giving no more. That we’re through. And that what she’s done is pretty fucked up.

And then I look at my pile of stuff and think about how I lived in that place pretty much exactly twenty years ago and wonder if I could do again. Just a mattress on the floor and a toilet and sink, a powerpoint for my laptop, and that’s pretty much everything I need. I can live even more basic and happy with it now than I could aged seventeen. And how wonderful it would be to have freedom from rent and contracts and all the constrictions and requirements to predict the future that that entails. Dad’s partner says he’s okay with it. It’s probably not practical but at least it’s something.

Of course, what I didn’t know then was that in four hours’ time I’d meet a guy who would give me a home and take care of all those things until at least the end of May. Funny how it all works out.

And now I’ve to dash to go referee a game. But – THIS WILL BE CONTINUED

Email from Nicky

Dear Rory,

I am still very sad but I don't expect you to comfort me. Things will work out in whatever way the universe wants I suppose, though not sure where we're supposed to intervene in all that. 

I'm truly sorry for lying to you like that, it was totally unnecessary and pointless and out of character. I know how you probably feel, I felt it when I found out my ex was having 'live internet sex' and lied to my face about it repeatedly and I felt it when I first ever read your blog and found out this whole other side to your thoughts that made me feel foolish and ridiculous to be your girlfriend or to have ever thought you somehow thought of me as special. Not exactly the same or justifying it, but I know how it feels and makes me feel even more self-loathing for having dished some of that back out. Hurting someone you love has felt shitty beyond belief, I don't have many regrets yet in my small life but this is definitely one of them. I hope that one day you will realise that although I have proved myself capable of bad things that I am not bad and know I will use all my powers never to act in this way again.

Yesterday I felt even harder the full force of what I have lost in you and I cried all night. So I guess now you know that I've also been curled up on the floor full of snot and vulnerability and 'pointlessness' of everything over you, both last summer when it hurt most, and now this last week, as I realised that maybe this is actually it and you won't be in my life in this way again.

Last night I dreamt we were living in that flat we looked at overlooking Bedford Fields with the bathroom on the corridor. I was helping Joanna in the garden project and you were shouting at me from the window, stark naked and high as a kite! I was embarrassed by you but mostly everyone found it very funny! Weird dream.

Finally, and to end on a more positive note, I wanted to send you some pictures of how well our avocado plant is doing. Isn't it great? I feel very attached to it (a bad thing I suppose) but don't know what to do with it, not sure it'll like living in the yurt. Would you like to nurture it for a while?

With deep love and my most metta-filled blessings

nicky

x

The everything

Just over two weeks since I wrote a blog entry. Busy old time. Left it with that café apology and me about to move house and then everything went crazy. The new job. Cycle deliveries every weekday morning and then refereeing pretty much every evening and three or four times on the weekend. The madness of the schedule. Like…

Thursday the 25th I arrive home about ten thirty at night having cycled in the morning and reffed in the evening. I need to pack my things. Nicky’s coming round with the van in the morning and the plan, such as it is, is to put the stuff in there and then stay at hers Friday night and then go to Laura’s for the weekend and then have a think. Just haven’t had time to sort anything out. Did put a quick ad on gumtree and got quite a few replies but it’s all too much hassle. Viewing places, meeting people, thinking about signing things. I decide instead to leave it all up in the air, let Fate sort it out. That works.

Except, Thursday night I get home and I can’t find my keys and I’ve no idea where they are. I’m so tired it’s ridiculous. Such little sleep the two or three nights before. So much work. And no way to get in the house. The property guardian company will be there at noon tomorrow expecting everything to be cleared and tidy. And I’ve to be at work by ten anyway. My boss is in Birmingham; I’m working alone. He’s relying on me for everything. The stuff won’t get moved out. I won’t even be able to do it when the company show up. It’ll be hassle and money and disaster. What on Earth to do?

I lie on the doorstep talking to Nicky on the phone. Could just fall asleep right there. Close my eyes and let the hassles of this life just melt away. I’ve got my body, I’ve got my bike; maybe all the rest of it – possessions and deposits and trying to figure it all out – don’t matter anyway. What’s the worst that can happen? Sleep, sleep, I want to sleep…

But, be smart: cycle over to Nicky’s and stay there. Talk a little and in that talk suddenly get a flash that I left my keys in the Compton Road library while gumtreeing that morning. A little beam of hope. A plan.

Morning comes. Up early. Breakfast and then head over to mine with Nicky in her van. She leaves it there and cycles off to work. I sit down and have a think and then head down to where I work and find no keys there and then head back up to the library and keys I find. Awesome! It’s just after nine and time to get it on – one hour to pack everything and load the van and do a quick tidy. I rush on home and get stuck in and though I’m flying it’s still a ninety minute job. House cleaned and van fully loaded and then shoot on down to work, mind already on the 4pm refereeing appointment, no time to waste. But wouldn’t you just know it? The day I’m on my own and fifty minutes late starting and with somewhere to be afterwards there are double the number of deliveries and an insane number of huge large boxes.

“Hope you’re not in on your own today,” the lady says.

I dive on in. Do the sort in record time. Make up most of the fifty minutes and get out the door and hit the pre-12s and complete my first load. Job is normally two, maybe three trips. Today it’s five. I go non-stop and have time for neither food nor water and somehow I’m ready to be finished by 3.40ish.

Back to base. Complete paperwork. Change into refereeing kit. Cycle madly the 3.4 miles to South Leeds Stadium in something like 11 minutes and arrive at the side of the ground just as the teams are being led out on to the pitch, a man in trousers carrying the flag I’m supposed to be holding. It’s all arranged, of course; they know I’m running late and it’s not a big deal. But thinking I can make it pretty much as it should be I chain my bike to a lamppost, shirk the front door, and hoist myself up instead over an eight-foot gate and go running towards the teams.

Collect flag. Take my position. Made it.

And then I run the line and ref one in the middle and run another line in back-to-back-to-back games for the Leeds Schools FA finals day and it’s about 10pm by the time we finish – last match goes to extra-time and penalties, natch – and that’s fourteen straight hours I’ve been on the go. And still I’ve nowhere to live and have to figure it out but also have a game to referee the following day, and two the day after that, and then work day and night pretty much every day the following week…

A fairly typical example of my life in recent times…

It’s not a bad thing though. In fact, I’m digging it. I like the cycle job and I like the way I haven’t had all those hours of sitting around thinking and trying to figure things out – Nicky, Laura, my career and relationships in general and all things future plus life the universe and everything else – and I definitely agree with all those who say that being busy’s probably a good thing for me right now. Also, it’s not forever, what with the football season just about finished, and so a bit of balance should descend in the not too distant future. Which is something I’m looking forward to also. It has been a bit mad at times. But I’ve made it, and that’s something to be proud of. In the words of every single melodramatic Gothic author, “no man in the history of the planet was ever visited upon by such a condition of frantic busyness as I…”

Still, what you really want to know is what became of everything. The housing situation. Nicky. And everything else. And so that’s what I shall endeavour to tell you.

1. The housing situation

I moved out Friday 26th. Had been given two weeks notice but hadn’t had time to do anything about it, beyond text people I knew with vague inquiries and stick a wanted ad on gumtree. Wanted ad did provoke several responses but the idea of following them up was all too much. Also, I’ve been trying to get away from ‘using the internet to find things’ and more back to ‘letting life bring me things all synchronistically and magically’. That stuff works. It’s always worked for me. The internet just drives you mad. Too many options, too many avenues to explore. How to decide? But life brings the right thing at the right time and guides you and provides signs and…

I didn’t know what I was doing. I’d chucked my stuff in Nicky’s van and at least had the option of storing it once more upstairs in my dad’s shop. A weekend at Laura’s to figure things out. No rushing into anything like I did last time. No time, no inclination. Let life bring the answers…

I unload the van Saturday morning and stick everything I own in a corner on my dad’s first floor in amongst broken amps and empty boxes. Thankful to have that space. And quite satisfying too to see it all there in one big pile, sort of free from it for a bit. Then I go to referee a couple of games in Leeds and around 5ish head for the train station and the bath and bed and much-needed relaxation at Laura’s place in Wakefield. But on the way I’m grabbed by some seriously wicked buskers and do a u-turn on my bike and have a listen for five. They’re rocking out all bluegrass hillbilly style and people in the small crowd are even dancing. Very groovy. And while I’m watching a guy I know from uni and squash taps me on the shoulder and says hi.

“What you up to?” he says (etcetera).

And so I tell him and mention the house thing and –

“Hm. We might have a bed at ours. You could move in Monday. I’ll just chat with the guys.”

And there you go. I moved in two days later. I’m here now. It’s wicked. They’re all good moral Christian boys living in a communal stylee. We sleep in bunk beds and there are Bibles everywhere. But they like fun and jokes and laughter and silliness too. The first night I climbed into my top bunk and me and the guy beneath chatted sleepily about various things until we both drifted off into our each individual lands of nod. I was thinking, this is the way to live. Nice that there’s always someone around, and that they’re good people. They’re students, and young, but not like the frantic, constantly wise-cracking students I’m used to. Good at listening. Interested in what you’re up to. Sharing food and things and always wishing you a good day in the morning, asking how your day was at night. One guy’s really into comedy and makes awesomely terrible jokes kind of in the way that I do. Another’s sporty and has got me a spot in a cricket team. Funnily enough, I’ve discovered we also have several mutual acquaintances. It’s nearly two weeks I’ve been here and I’m digging it sincerely.

And that’s the story of my living situation.

TO BE CONTINUED…