The Year

The year runs generally
From January to December
But there are other years too
Depending on what you do
The financial year
The student year
The football season
Birthdays and harvests
My birthday's at the end of Jan
And what with Christmas
(Time for spiritual contemplation)
And the standard New Year
That tends to be a period
For me
Of heavy introspection
Evaluation
Looking back
Cleaning house
Thinking forward
It comes spontaneously
It sometimes grabs me by the balls
This year though
While at Amma's
"Christmas came early"
The marker of time with her
Her London visit
Every October/November
The way the scenery's the same
The memories
The faces
Getting older...
All those changes
Over the fourteen years since I first met her
And in particular
The last twelve months
When Yair was here
Smiling gladly
Modeling balloons
Disappearing crazily
To watch Champions League football
And Laura...
And Nicky...
It all comes flooding back!
What a groovy and crazy year I've had!
Learning the folly of 'free love'
Running a university squash league
Dropping nine tabs of acid
Hitch-hiking on Christmas Eve and Day
The madness of Vipassana
The horror of the month after that
And then February and March and April
When my heart got torn apart
And I cried buckets
Realised a billion things
And swore blind I was in a mid-life crisis
I ditched my apartment
Lived in a rectory
Lived with 20-year-old Evangelical Christians
Sleeping in bunk beds
And listening to them 'speak in tongues'
I had a vision of Greece
A genuine frickin' vision!
And I went there
And was proved right
And on my return
Left my happy and comfortable life in Leeds
My jobs and home
My more-than-enough income
And rode a train to a city
I knew nothing about
On the strength of my feelings
And lived there pretty much homeless
Sleeping in a shed
Buying food for the poor
And smiling at everyone
And it was one of the most
Gleeful
Giddy
Peaceful and fulfilling
Times of my life
What a crazy, wonderful year!
Not to mention
Visiting Californians
Providence and miracles
Learning unparalleled
And feeling somewhat useful at times too
Who said life in England was boring?
Me
I did
That's who
I thought youth was over
I needed to change
Maybe even 'grow up'
But what this year has shown me
And most particularly
Trusting that vision
And all my irrational feelings
For new direction and transformation
Is
Wow
There's a lot of life to live
I'm still young
I ain't dead yet
And life on the edge
Really is where it's at
The joy
The growth
Maybe even the love
Love Growth Joy
Isn't that what it's all about?
Screw security!
Hahahahaha

Leeds, West Yorkshire

Monday morning
Aching legs after a day of old
Biked twelve miles
Reffed two games
Back to back
And then played in one
First 11-a-side since March
For the university Law Society
We only had nine men
But we won
Then -
Ate lentils like a fiend
Eased the oncoming cramps with a bath
Fell asleep watching a bad sci-fi movie
(The most recent Star Trek)
And slept dreaming weird dreams of levitation
Like I always do
Except this time I was getting explicitly told off
By trusted spiritual teachers
New Age friends like to think it means something auspicious
These levitating dreams of mine
But I think it's more about being ungrounded
Egoistic spiritual ambitions
That sort of thing
Anyway -
I'm back in Yorkshire
It seemed kind of logical
After London
Not really on the way to Devon but -
The old boss wanted me to do some work
And sorting out possessions is good
Given various factors
Like how close I came
To buying a plane ticket to Canada
But all the cheap tickets have gone now
So I don't know what we'll do next
Stay here till Wednesday or Thursday I guess
And think of something then

London

Left Exeter 8.30 Monday morning
Smiling smitten
Realising I'd fallen a little bit in love with the place
My four weeks there
My four weeks as a homeless!
Seeming like
A ten-minute dream
Did it really happen?
Could it really have been so wonderful?
It was
But London feels right
Amma's there
And why wouldn't you be in town
When the saints come marching in?
And -
Three days with her
Same old same old
Day one I feel sleepy and achey
And wonder what I'm doing there
Day two I cry a little
And get irritable and annoyed by other people
Spend half my time
Having pointless battles
With Evangelical Christians (in my head)
- have I been infected? -
And think I'll never come again
And day three -
Devi Bhava
The all-nighter
Amma just going and going
Right through to 9am
Never less than ecstatic
Never less than one hundred percent present
Never tired
Even while we young and chilled out devotees
Collapse in red-eyed yawns
And when I get my hug
And see her filling me with her love
And realise how my annoyance with others
Has transformed into adoration
As always, I know
This is just the best thing ever
I asked her some questions this year
The eternal questions
Finally got up the braves
But no answers came, surprisingly
Just, "Amma will help you"
Just!
Hahaha
Actually, it's more than enough
That's money in the bank
If you believe those things
Which I (generally) do
Anyway -
She finished just over an hour ago
The morning is stupidly beautiful
She's probably the greatest person who ever lived
I feel so sad for those that won't see her
God's love in a human body!
Ay caramba...
It's almost too much

Exeter, Devon #3

In between refereeing two football matches
A quick post in the blog
Which I'm always uncertain about
But -
Hey ho
I've got pretty good on the old delete button of late
And seem to be containing it quite well
Mostly just writing about what I've done
Instead of endless musings and expulsions
Of thought
Of feeling
And -
All I'm saying is
Two days ago I was all gung-ho for Canada
Then I got swamped by thoughts of a particular woman
And all the reasons I couldn't commit to her
And then a miracle happened
Just through saying hello
To a friendly, smiley 'psychic
And I suddenly realised she was awesome
And there were no problems at all
Thought I was cured
Quite ready for it
But then somebody I kind of trust says
No
Probably not
Why don't you go on adventures instead?
And of course that always sounds appealing
Quotes in books
Always telling you to risk all
And do the mad thing
Live your dream
But maybe what it is really
Is living someone else's dream
Cos they don't have the -
Anyway
Last night I go to sleep
After an incredible few hours in the church
After walking joyfully in the rain
Just chortling and singing to myself
Amidst waves of realisation
And laughing even more
Cos I had no idea why
And whaddya know?
I dream then of some other girl
The one who always throws the spanner in the works
And I'm back to square one
Oh well
This is all some kind of teaching
To surrender to the moment
To decide only when the point of decision comes
To truly live one day at a time
Ever alert
Ever expecting
Change
The unexpected
Something new
Just thought I'd throw that out there
Quite often writing in public
And sharing my questions
Helps to bring the answers
Frees up whatever stuck energy
I might have invested in those thoughts
Though maybe this time I'm being too vague
Wanting privacy
Wanting to continue in this blog style
Of concentrating on what's actually happened
It's better
- believe it or not! -
Than the millions and billions of words I used to throw out
Without really thinking
That stuff was bottomless
But now I've got glee.

Still -
You'd better frickin' tell me one day!
You crazy-ass Universe
LMFAO

Exeter, Devon #2

Kwupdate

Can't believe I've been here three weeks!
Mostly just wandering the streets
Feeling happy
Smiling at people
I love being a hobo!
Buying sandwiches for the homeless
Walking slowly
Helping women with their shopping
And so much time to think and meditate and pray
Early nights in my abandoned shack
Miraculously sleeping out of the rain
Feeling better than I think I ever have
In fact -
Two days ago I was fretting:
Man, what I really love is growth
But the way it's going I'm way too pleased with myself to grow
Dissatisfaction and boredom so frequently the keys to newness
I needn't have worried
Wink wink
Today was all kinds of thoughts
But then...
Something shifted and joy returned
So much laughter and glee
I can't understand it
But I'm loving it

Pee bottle

One of the best things about camping
Is peeing in a two-litre plastic bottle
No need to leave the tent
No toilet water to waste
Plus you get to see how much you've peed
The other night
Between 10 and 10
I filled the whole two litres!
And then some
(But we won't go into what "and then some" means)

Loving myself

There once was a time
Hitching through Colorado in '98
That I got so deliriously happy
I would hug myself
And leap in the road
And declare to the world
"I love my life!"
Before looking swiftly around
Making sure no one had heard
And many's the day
I've longed for that feeling to return
Well now -
It's not quite the same
But it might be even better
My life - the world that happens around me -
Is much of a muchness
Nice enough
I can't complain
But what I'm really digging
Is me
These days
Walking 'round Exeter
Catching myself laughing
And realising how much
"I love myself"
It's true!
I do!
I'm so much fun to be around
And as I type that I realise:
Yes
Double meaning
The "me" that's fun
Is crazy-ass Rory
Such a sweet silly fellow
Not a 'grown-up' at all
And the "me" that's loving it
Is the me that gets to watch the show
The one who is 'around'
The body and the mind
I generally think I am

Loving myself #2

About a month ago
Talking about my healed relationship with my mother
With a very good friend
She asked me if I felt my mother loved me
Tears came to my eyes
My heart moved considerably
And: "yes," I said
For the first time ever
Believing it
Wow, I realised
Something's happened
Something big
Believing oneself loved
Is a major step in life

The Pound Shop

I bought a padlock the other day
From the pound shop
Didn't expect much
But even I was surprised
When only one of the three keys worked
You gets what you pays for
I guess
On closer inspection
The two non-functioning keys
Weren't even the right shape:
For some totally different lock!
There's a first
Reminds me of the time
I bought some scissors
That wouldn't even cut paper
:-)

Phone

I got rid of my phone
A couple of weeks back
The first day or so
I trembled
Wondered what I was missing
Wondered how I'd survive
Then I got used to it
Then I forgot all about it
Noticed that I was still here
Still fulfilled
And still, in fact
In a town where I know no one
(Save a nice guy I used to play football with in London
Who I bumped into one day;
He moved here the day before me)
Still getting plenty enough human interaction
And weirdly enough
Feeling happier than I did with it
Doing better things
Those pre-sleep moments
When the emotions start arising
Than checking up on the football
Or sending pointless messages
To far off people
I may never see again
Like -
Really getting into kind of hypnotising myself
It's amazing
The depth of memories
One recalls in that state
Maybe even past-life too!
Though I wouldn't go so far as to rule out the possibility of fantasy
Anyway
Just wanted to mention
That I got rid of my phone
And life's better without it
<grin>

The Eternal Questions

Groovy though everything is
They remain
Whether to jet off someplace
Who to get in a relationship with
Where to live
What to do
Sometimes it gets a bit tiring
But I suppose I'm making some sort of progress
And if I never pondered beyond tomorrow
Which is how it should be
It wouldn't matter one jot

Choices

The big problem
If you can really call it that
Is that problem I've been having a long time:
Namely
That the world's my oyster
And I know it
Know that I can go anywhere
Do anything
Be anyone
With an infinite menu
How're you supposed to pick?
Commitment, I guess
Is the issue
Choosing one thing
From the multitude
And sticking at it
But in a world without limitations
Why would I want to do that?
Of course, everyone else says:
Travel
Follow your dreams
Just be wild and free
And that appeals somewhat
Although what they're probably saying is
I wish I could travel
I wish I was free
I wish I could just leave everything and go wherever I wanted
But it's not all it's cracked up to be
And when your soul needs something different, perhaps
Doing what you want might not be the best thing
What about "Thy will be done"?
Self-denial?
Surrendering to The Source?
Not that I know how to do that
I still get out of bed
Think about my day
Eat and brush my teeth
And wait for some instructions
And the instructions never come
(Except, of course, they do
Right when I need them
Just that I think I need them
When I don't
And think it a lot)
Anyway -

Exeter

Has been very good to me
I can't even explain
Because I don't understand
Why I'm so gleeful
So content
Just walking the streets
Meditating in churches
Eating snacks
And digging my thoughts
It may be coming to an end now
Or it may not
Only one day at a time
Suffices as a way to live
But -
Wow! What a trip it's been
What a lovely, homeless vacation
What a blessing and a gift
Thank you, lovely Exeter.

Totnes, Devon

That crazy coin!
Sat on St James Park station
Just to eat my breakfast
A train pulls in and coin says
Get on!
So I do
Wonder where I'm going
Get off at the next station
Exeter Central
And find myself trapped
(Or at least having to pay a needless pound to exit)
So I travel to St Davids
Get off there
And see that girl I keep bumping into
The friendly one who gives me hugs
Where's she going?
Plymouth
Well might as well go there too
And so I do
Chat all the way
It's lovely
And then two hours in P
Buy Brian Weiss's 'Many Lives, Many Masters'
And travel back to Totnes
The place I thought I might really be bound for
On this Devon-based adventure
I wander the High Street
Very New Agey and hippy
Psychics and womb-workshops everywhere
But nothing happens
Think, oh well
Go sit on a bench by the castle gate
Way away from everyone
And carry on reading Michael Crichton's amazing and wonderful 'Travels'
(Funnily enough, the exact same title and premise I came up with for a book on my trip to Greece
Basically like reading my own autobiography)
And half an hour later
Just about in the dark
A young American comes up
Sees the locked castle
Says hello
And I say, hey man, have a seat, let's chat
(Still in traveller mode, despite in UK)
We chat
He invites me to this pot luck he's going to
We go
Isn't it wonderful, the way things always work out?
And hippies! And New Agers!
And everything's permaculture and veggie
Like -
The way the guy at the end offers out 4 litres of free milk
Asks a room-full of people
Does anybody drink milk?
And no one does
How groovy is that!
Anyway, that self-same guy invites me to his
And I sleep on sheepskin rugs
On the floor of a shed
That he's transforming into a cabin
At the bottom of some artist's garden
Apparently loads of people live like that round here
It's pretty much my dream
To live in a shed
One simple room
And write