Five

I'm an awful disappointment to myself. I seem to be in something of a lull. Thinking desperately that I ought to make something happen - but doing nothing 'cept playing silly computer games, and lolling around. I seem to have time-slipped into 1995. Oh dear!

Written diary, Aug '04 - Jan '05

Edmonton, August 20^th, 2004 [Ryan’s wedding]

Wisdom of the day… 61 → 27

“Allow the forces of the current situation to act on you…so that you may comprehend their forces and gain advantage over them…in yielding to the object of your inquiry become totally open and unprejudiced…go into pure observation and acceptance, allowing your mind to be fully influenced by what you’ve observed and experienced. Now stop. Pull back into your character, your principles, your Self. Think of it as embodying spirit, or as putting yourself in another’s place. You will not lose your perspective or jeopardise your principles in this empathetic voyage. Instead you gain a valuable insight into something that may be, in fact, controlling a part of your life”

Establish rapport – camaraderie – based on higher truths

Not necessary to take radical steps

A few compassionate yet well-directed words can accomplish more at this time

Avoid excited and opinionated outbursts

Avoid excessive indulgences

Express yourself with moderation

August 22^nd, almost 6am

So you got me! If that was embodying another’s spirit then – it sucked. One week in Canada and I’m sick of it, the materialism, the superficiality, and Sophie…so Sophie’s a shallow drunk like the rest of them (at times, to be fair). That was the worst experience – and the worst three days – in about 5 or 6 years (perhaps discounting Eve). But I sure did learn something…now we need to figure out where we go from here…

What, oh mighty I Ching, should I be thinking about with regard to moving in with Sophie – given that I’m having serious doubts about the whole thing?

59: Reuniting → 20: Contemplating

Reuniting: “We must all hang together or assuredly we shall all hang separately.”

“Break up that which divides…concern themselves with communicating.”

“Renew your inner faith…reacquaint yourself with your true, heartfelt origins, and reunite your Self with your Source.”

2^nd: “Your problems originate from within. You must modify your attitudes and overcome any feelings of alienation. If you can improve your opinions and feelings towards your fellow man you will find peace of mind and avoid unnecessary suffering.” BUT HOW?

“Now you do not understand what I do – but you will.”

August 24^th, Guelph

Here – and thank you! Things going well – now time to get a job, find a place – but the money thing needs to be sorted. So why have I been prevented? Was the card simply lost through negligence, or some higher force at work? Is the money not really mine – or merely being protected for me? What, oh mighty One, is the meaning behind this, and what is the wisdom behind this thought that I should simply ‘give it away’ and start from scratch?

56: Travelling → 18: Repair

“Proper attitudes…”

“Be helpful, humble, and generally inconspicuous…obliging to the needs of others…listen and learn, keep passions to a minimum; this is not the best time to eagerly express your opinions or impose your way of doing things.”

What will be the outcome of us renting 40A Glasgow Street?

1: Creative Power → 14

August 27^th

Yackety-yak…and I’m back – to feeling negatively about Canada. So much talk, so career-headed, materialistic, money money, pension pension bullshit. Is it really so strong? Or did I just not meet these people in England? I feel pressure. I…want my life to be about more than pension plans and kitchen fittings. I wonder about Sophie. But I couldn’t be without her. I need to stay strong in what I want, and need, and believe. I must not be swayed. I need my own place, my own space, my solitude – and my things (my football, writing, meditation, cycling, friends). I want them to come, and I want them to come soon; I’m tired of waiting, of not working, of doing nothing – and of looking to her to supply what she seems patently unable or unwilling to do. Poor Sophie! She really is hopeless at doing what she says, of going beyond the ‘thought’ stage in an idea; maybe I am too? (The book, for example; her birthday treat). If that’s true; I gotta get better at it. I wanna play minigolf! I wanna go go-karting! I wanna swim in a lake, get away from her mum’s – etcetera, etcetera, but…ay ay ay, how to be with someone and not go crazy! She’s a darling, she really is, but…I just guess the situation is wrong right now, we’re too reliant, we can’t do our own thing, we need each other, we…maybe I should just go back to Guelph. Maybe I should find some work, begin to construct my life, get things sorted out…maybe…why not?

Why not?

August 28^th

Me – pissant. Wake. Sophie being lovely to me, annoyed later – tell her, and it’s all downhill from there. She being defensive, odd, unreasonable – me, no better. Bicycle comes – rescue. Things better then, better to be on my own, out there exploring, free. But still pissant. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

I Ching, what’s wrong with me? What have you to say about this current nit-picky, affectionless situation? What is your word on this disharmony?

51: Shocking → 17: Adapting

“Composure and inner strength”

“Tranquility and poise”

“Affairs that are pending will cause difficulties…”

“Shocks will continue…constant troubles…survive by actively changing with change…remaining centred internally and externally”

IT WILL PASS → “Joy”

What will be the outcome of separating from Sophie in order to take some alone time and/or find a job in Guelph? IE, should I stay with her, or should I take my own path through the next few weeks?

NOT CLEAR – NOR RELEVANT

Enough to ponder – time to rest.

Expect difficulties

Stay centred

Pray – don’t speak

Breathe – watch yourself – stop being such a negative little pissant

And please, God, please love your woman

Your beautiful, lovely woman.

Sophie says: don’t talk to me like I’m an idiot, I’m not an idiot. Reasonable request. Irony that she the one talking negative to me at time, but not up to me to point this out. Keep own counsel. Nothing to gain by starting another fruitless argument/discussion. Better to learn peace; nagging woman never disappear, only possibility for animosity/negative reaction to disappear. Must perfect self, in face of other; forget perfecting other. Must learn love, patience, truthfulness; no need to seek to force another to learn these things. Must remain calm in face of all life’s difficulties – including those presented by partner. If accepting rape, why not accepting difficult woman? No reason – only easier to fight/be pissy/etc. Only reason – but not good enough reason. Maybe treat nearest and dearest with respect afforded to strangers. Not bad plan! I love you, monkey! Goodnight!

August 29^th

Dream of Sophie drunk and stoned. Feel defeated. Must remember dream and not reality. Perhaps tell her if she asks. Must stay balanced, keep calm. Expect shocks and difficulties. Practise acceptance. Don’t react. Don’t lose sight of this, and of breathing. Mind remains open and calm. No criticising. No whining.

_____________________________________________________________________

The bottom line is: Sophie’s drinking (and sometimes her) makes me unhappy. That’s the bottom line!

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Sunday night – it works! Take care of own business, makes self happy, leave significant other to own devices (not interfere in her education), don’t criticise or nag, stay positive, relax – if struggling, do something good for you – eg, ride bicycle, check things out, talk to others, go go-karting – yeah! Keep it up. Poise. No reacting. And remember – what Sophie says is rarely what she means. C’est la femme!

What, on mighty One, have you to say about my attitude to drinking? And Sophie’s in particular?

15: Moderation (Modesty)

“Avoid radical and ostentations values – and also tolerate weaknesses and inferior elements. Bring some equilibrium to your more personal relationships…try to moderate any unrealistic ideals, expectations or selfish desires”

“A modest and sincere attitude”

“Do not indulge in extremes of any sort”

“Limit obvious excess – but expose yourself to new areas of experience”

“A need for temperance in dealing with the object of your inquiry. Disengage opinionated attitudes. Only then can you make progress.”

Dear God, I seem to have a neglect issue. Shed some light? IE – what can I do about it?

3: Difficult beginnings → 20: Contemplating

“Difficult beginnings” → chaos

Seek advice → get outside help

Confusion, indecision or new tastes and desires

“Don’t combat”

“Hold to centre and allow fate to manipulate external events”

“Remain calm” → take difficulties elsewhere

Thank you – but that last changing line is a heavy one – “You have lost your perspective. This is disgraceful. It is best to begin again” – partly it makes me question the whole thing with Sophie, and partly it makes me wonder if it’s just there to point to 20 – please clarify – ie, give me more…

5: Calculated waiting → 26

“Inwardly bide your time and nourish and strengthen yourself for the future. Face the facts. If you are aware of your shortcomings you will know what to do. Ultimately you will meet with success.”

Present conduct important – not express doubts on past or future

Keep thoughts and words positive and maintain an assumed and cheerful attitude

Again: “help arrives if you recognise it”

“To know and graciously accept such unexpected assistance turns the entire situation to the good”

PS Just in case I die (or something) and someone looks in this diary (or whatever it is) I ought to make it clear that though this is mostly, thus far, a book of problems and confusions, it’s not really the reality of my life at the minute. Sure, I have my difficulties with Sophie – but the truth is, I wouldn’t be without her for anything; she makes me happy; I think she’s wonderful. I ain’t never been this in love before – this stable – this good. I want no one or nothing else. Things are cool.

September 2^nd

So…there’s a question I’ve been meaning to ask you, regarding myself as ‘a spiritual person’. I’m not really sure how to phrase it – but I’m sure you can shed some light, since, as you know, I do tend to think of it – of God, meditation, retreat, spirituality vs worldly life – quite a bit, even though, on the face of it, I’m hardly what you’d call a ‘serious aspirant’ (any more; at the minute – more into Sophie, sex, ‘normal life’) so…why do I keep thinking about it? What is it I need to look at? Where is the truth of this matter? Not specific, I know – and I’m assuming you want specific – but…some food for thought, at least? A pointer in the right direction? I’m asking, oh lord – what have you to say? Some insight into myself and my ‘spiritual quest’…

26: Potential Energy (The taming power of the great)

“Act now” – seek guidance from an experienced person

“The time lends itself to great achievements”

“Endeavours that provide goods and services that benefit others will meet with great success. Be certain that your objectives are worthwhile…do not waste [your time] on frivolous ventures”

Make contacts → bear with difficult social relationships

“Hold to traditional values…the totality of what you have experienced has organised itself into an illuminated perspective of great clarity.”

Maybe…stay alert for opportunities and possibilities. Reach out and go for them, even if what used to, difficult, etc.

…not to waste myself in a “frivolous” job – do something good, beneficial, worthwhile

…perhaps consider the idea of writing quite seriously

…not worry so much about “backsliding” – totality of what has been actually “pretty cool”

“You may now undertake ambitious and far-reaching endeavours”

Timing important – time to think big, maybe?

September 12^th

Well, God, I feel like shit, and everything’s gone to shit, and it’s all shit, shit, shit. I’m shit. I’m lost – I don’t know what I’m doing, who I am anymore. 2½ years ago I wanted this girl, this country, to be here legally – and why? For what? God knows. Sophie’s a grand lass, and we’ve had some grand times – but, how that I’ve got it, do I want it; life’s so confusing; I haven’t a clue what’s going down. Help me. Help me get through this. Help me become something. I’m so scared; scared to go where I’m going, scared to make the wrong choice; life is bewildering; I’m not sure I really like it. Why did I have to come here? Why did I come back to this? Why aren’t I out there, living, doing something, finding something, existing? God – you…you were magnificent when we were together. But it was so mad, too; I can’t make head nor tail of it. And now where am I going? Babies, jobs, careers, pensions, picnics – and all because I desire it – but do I desire the wrong thing? And didn’t I try to renounce the world once? Nature – simplicity – happiness. Today – frustration, madness, sadness, tears. Nothing makes sense. I’m filled with jealousy, negativity, anger, madness. I’m lost. I don’t know what I’m doing…

It’s a big thing for me, this material gap. It sticks in my head. It makes me bitter that people have this, and that I don’t – and that I haven’t a clue how to go about transforming my life into that, even if I wanted to. It makes my head swim – all this talk of careers, pensions, blah blah blah – I just want happiness, I don’t give a monkeys about all that. I guess I have to be strong in that. But at the same time I know I’m cheap. Or at least I think I am. Maybe I need some advice. Maybe I need to ask, “what is the wisdom with regard to my attitude towards money, of the spending of, etc?”

55: Zenith (abundance) → 37: Family

I Ching, I’m so sad and miserable. I don’t know why. Can you shine a light (on why, or what I should do)?

53: Developing → 48: The Source

• Developing
• Slow cultivation, gradual measures, traditional – not revolutionary, avant-garde, or grand (unwise)
• Not a time for quick profits
• Hold firm to inner vision of plans
• Observe established social mores – refrain from hasty or passionate action
• Beware desire to make great changes
• Align with enduring social values

2^nd: Secure position. Activities on road ahead further consolidate. Free to share good fortune with others.

6^th: Upward climb to greatest heights. Set example. Emulated by others. Good fortune for all concerned.

September 13^th

Not a bad day. Didn’t do too much on the jobhunting front – ie, I guess I coulda done more – but I suppose I’ve learned that it isn’t super necessary to go all out, just trust, it comes – and it sure ain’t the last minute yet!

Women are strange. If Sophie wants to stop receiving touches, etc, then she’s going about it the right way. How the hell am I supposed to know?! I guess you’d say I could ask – but even when I do, that’s no guarantee of her not acting loopy. A challenge to my desire to non-react. I’ll try. And I suppose if I want something I’d better do it myself. In the meantime, lay off the poor girl and just stick to ‘traditional stuff’ – the goodnight kiss, the odd hug, etc – no need to be all over each other, eh?

Anyway, thanks God for helping me come out of what I was in. Nice to wake up and feel positive, and here, and unweighed by that strange black cloud. A bicycle and the means to do my thing. What could be finer? Now, don’t let that job wait too long.

Lots of love,

Rory

September 14^th

Tuesday, Tuesday, a day sure to be full of…surprises. Pleasant surprises.

Crabby monkey: you’re always the one that’s saying, “believe, believe…memo to self: stop saying things like that to Sophie. → And later: “Way to through a downer on the evening, monkey!” But thirty minutes on and, even though I kept my trap shut, I’m feeling better. There has to be a better way than this, than constantly pointing out faults, discomforts, feelings. I think there is. I think I’d like to find it; I think it’s got something to do with tolerance. Time to practise – and just maybe by mastering it I can quit being on the receiving end, too – wouldn’t that be nice!

Couch! Football! Résumés! No job!

But, oh God, at least I don’t feel like s**t! Thank you!

Sometimes I wonder what the point of all this is; home, relationship, career, children. Maybe there isn’t one; maybe it’s all wrong for me. But what else would I do?

I caught myself thinking today, “I’ll be surprised if this lasts.” Maybe it won’t. Then again, I’ve thought and said similar things many times – normally when Sophie’s having a go at me/being moody – so…I guess we’ll see. Sometimes I couldn’t care either way. Isn’t it strange to feel like this, when but a few weeks ago – and for the most of the last three years – I’ve wanted nothing else? A lesson in wanting? I dunno. Life’s strange; I have no idea what’s to come, and less still of what has been. Nothing makes any sense; I don’t know how I got here; I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with myself. Except play football and eat, buy stuff, etc. It’s all slipped away from me, hasn’t it? But it all gets taken care of – one day at a time – it’s just new, that’s all; the culmination of several years wanting, and the gap, the space, expanse and what follows once that is here. It’s like, “oh…now what?” Now what indeed?

September 15^th

A better day! Wore a shirt and tie! And shoes! And experienced the difference it makes. Still, no sign of a job. Really ought to be seeing how I could benefit others, do something worthwhile – just show me the door, Lord, I’ll walk through it. Just show me the door…

September 22^nd

And one week on…I work in a chippy. S’okay, I suppose; sometimes I think I could be doing something better; sometimes I quite like it. I guess we’ll see.

Sophie’s out; hope she’s okay. Things much better between us, getting settled in. But have to make an effort to ‘get out’ too. Maybe dinner sometime soon – and St Jacobs (+ go-karts!) this Saturday, all being well. Have to manufacture something with Anders and/or Noel. Everybody at the chippy thinks I’m 22, 23! Good for me? Or maybe just not supposed to have a 28 year-old bloke frying fish for a living. What am I doing? Oh well, I’m sure it’ll all work out – and it is what I wanted. Actually, everything I have right now is something I’ve said I wanted at one time or another: Sophie; Canada (work visa); little apartment, one other person; lots of football; job in chip shop + all the rest of it – so do we cease to desire, as Buddha says, or is this the process of creation, as CWG would have it? Am I merely discovering the futility , or is it taking me somewhere useful – surely not just ticking off the list? Ay, ay, ay! Now where’s that monkey? I’m surprised anyone would want to be in a relationship with me, what with my jealousy, neglect issues, the shit I talk, my lack of wherewithal as far as getting-on-in-the-world is concerned. I’m a nice bloke (half-decent, anyway) but…is there much more than that? Maybe I’ve become dull too (post-drinking, post-enlightenment (ie, spiritual searching)). Now what? Domestic bliss, career, wife ‘n’ kids, I…I can’t hack that. Everything I want, I get, and nothing I get, I want, eventually. What’s all that about? How can I stop wanting? Is that even possible? I wish I had a different brain/mind sometimes…now there’s something wanted, ungettable. Until the next life, at least. Oh well. Happiness come here! (Now I’m depressed…) And I still think of Laura…why?

Tipsy clumsy monkey hard to focus hard to connect different wavelength different vibe is this what I want is this who I want can’t be anything can’t be myself can’t be nice selling fish and chips for this there got it out of me goodnight.

September 24^th

Things are going to shit – mind freaking out and spewing all kinds of stuff, thinking it’s over. But come home and read her diary – naughty, I know, and, hi love! if you’re reading this – and struck and amazed by her words and writing and mind, so tinged with sadness and fears and insecurities and all along it’s just the same thing, always unhappy and unsure with me, this outside show (no kids, no marriage) but inside amazed at how much she seems to like me, think about me, want me.

What if I were to ask her to marry me, and to go through with it if she said yes? What if? I know it seems crazy but…

October 4^th

New job, blissful last 7/10 days in the apartment, with my baby, and then…this morning, I poison myself [by reading her diary]. Should I talk to her, should I talk to someone, should I just let it be. What, oh mighty and merciful I Ching, is your answer/guidance/wisdom?

44 → 1

“Temptation” – indeed!

But talk to her, it’s nothing…

October 11^th

Thanksgiving, schmanksgiving – festivals mean nothing anymore; no thanks, no jollity, no affection. Nice exterior, but nothing genuine inside. Hate Canada/Canadians, or just Kingston? Possibly the latter. And Sophie’s stooped friends. I worry; they lead her astray. She’s so much better than them, but she’s so indecisive and lazy, neglects her leadership/inspiration duties, just follows the crowd. And I’m such a grump, why did I go from, three hours back feeling so lovey and wanting to ask her to marry me to being so irritable and can’t even look her in the eye? That makes no sense…

October 12^th

Yesterday I asked Sophie to marry me. I was serious, and she said yes. I thought that would worry me, but instead I felt joyful and giggly. All she said was, would I do it again in a nicer place. Fair enough. But later she seemed to change her mind. Asked me what marriage meant. Asked me why I needed to do that. Told me she needed to think about it. Fair enough. Confused? I suppose she is. Always the way, when pushed slightly. When pushed firmly, normally goes my way but…not ready to do that. No need. Love her lots, but happier – much happier – with a yes than with a maybe (or whatever this is). Oh well…

October 20^th

(Marriage issue faded into the past, by the way; ie, she confused/confusing, tending towards ‘not now/no’, her I Ching says, “Do not marry,” but bodes well for the future. All for the best, I suppose). In the meantime…

Okay, oh wondrous One – give me some words of wisdom that I may contemplate while doing the washing up, something to improve the lives of myself and my loved one…

59 → 10

“Reuniting”: break up that which divides

Easier to overcome separation when it first arises

Bring discord to an end

January 5^th 2005

No written entries for 2½ months – and not much on the ‘puter either. Don’t know why I’m writing here – don’t seem to have thoughts or feelings of note any more – but here I is. Life…

Mostly what I wish for now is a job that don’t suck. A little magic would be nice, too. Life is so humdrum and dull – but does it have to be like this? Where’s all the good stuff I’ve had so much of? I wanted this woman so bad – but why? And what else would I be doing? (What else have I been doing the last few years?) Playing Pacman; sorting records; shopping at Sainsbury’s; going hither and thither; being a little mad and ungrounded and pushing myself to the edge of sanity; chasing woman; being dissatisfied. No doubt that’s what I’d go back to. I ought to work my way steadily to being a teacher, and forget all the rest; maybe spirituality will creep back in one day. In the meantime – document it! Write down your experience of this odd thing called life. Oh my!