The struggle

Here's my struggle
I've mentioned it before
It's kind of linked to one that goes:
The world is my oyster
And I know it
And there's nothing that gets in the way of that
Except knowing what to do with it
And making a choice and
I guess
Sticking with it
I don't like making decisions
I like it better when someone tells me what to do
But that doesn't seem to happen anymore
Or, at least
I don't know anybody who would know what was best for me
So...
I implore the Universe
Say
"Name it, Man!"
I'll do it
I really will
But the Universe seems strangely quiet
The answer generally being
"It's for you to do whatever you want"
I can get into that
For a time
The idea of me in charge
Creating my reality
This physical realm
Like the sculptor's clay
And me sitting grinning at the wheel
Ready to get my hands dirty
But what to create?
That's the question
And though I know the answer
(An awesome relationship!
To write!
To do something good!
To travel and have excellent adventures!)
I never seem able to get down to it
Number one, I vacillate
Number two
More than that
I can't get over the idea that there's a God up on high
And that this God wants me to do a certain thing
And that's what's best;
Indian holy men
Who seem in the know
Say:
"Surrender!
Self-denial!
Thy will be done!"
And my angel-channelling friend says:
"Be a leaf in the river of God
You can't know the way
Only God can
Let go"
And loads of other things besides
Yet
Neale Donald Walsch's 'Conversations With God'
My Bible
Says
"You're in charge
Do whatever you wish"
It's confusing
And even my angel-channeling friend says
Whenever I beseech him for answers
About some woman to marry
"The Universe'll never answer that one for you
It's completely up to you"
Aaargh!
Which one is it?
And how do you surrender anyway?
For if I stopped
Running my life
Wouldn't I be a mere potato in the street?
Would God take me to the toilet?
Brush my teeth?
Get me out of bed?
No
That's daft
So then we flip the other way
Laugh uproariously
And say
"I can do whatever I want!
Go wherever I choose!"
And dream plans of mad travel
Girls
Saying anything to anyone
Being whatever I feel like
That's what makes more rational sense
But that doesn't work either
For instance:
Last year I wanted to go to Canada
But I lost my passport
In mysterious circumstances
Took it as a sign not to go
And, as it transpired
There was a very good reason for it
Many good reasons
I learned tons
And it was good/God
I bet I could count dozens of times
My plans have been thwarted
Weird things have happened
And I've surrendered to the circumstances
And it's turned out for the best
Aren't the greatest things in life
Always the ones that come unexpectedly
Unplanned
Out of left field
Somewhat spookily?
So there I go again
Thinking that's what I need to tap into
And remembering also
Visions of people and places
That have guided me so beautifully
But then remembering times too
When I've just jetted off
Not knowing what I was doing
Totally unsure
Totally following weird desires
And that's always taken me amazing places
But...
What of I Ching that guided me to stay in Canterbury
And when I did
The unexpected awesome thing happened
Like three days later?
What of I Ching denying me various schemes
For what later transpired to be very good reasons
Or the few times I've gone against it
And seen how disastrous my own will can be?
It's very clear:
Something larger than me is in charge of my life
And yet
I still have to make choices
Decide how to traverse the day
Put in effort
Probably there's a middle way
I'm just not seeing it
Probably, as in all situations
Where only two possible solutions arise
It's the third one that's the best way to go
I don't know the answer to this
I guess it's a slight variation
On the tiresome old argument
About free will and
I'm not terribly interested in that
I just want to live my life in the best way possible
Not waste too much time
Get as much happiness and fulfillment out of it as I can
Maybe there's a clue in there somewhere
Maybe the issue is actually
Learning faith
Learning not to think ahead
Learning to buy into funny Mr Universe's game
Of constantly stretching my limits
Until I one day come to the point of realising
Everything's always there when it's needed
That there really is no need to do anything
Until it's necessary
Nor know anything beyond time
Nor, really, think beyond this present moment
I dunno...
I'm 37 years-old
I'm incredibly happy nearly all the time
I live nowhere
Currently sleeping in my boss's spare room
He and his wife seem very happy to have me there
But to where will it all lead?
What would I become
If I just surrendered to that?
I woke up this morning
Singing The Beatles' 'Nowhere Man'
And having googled the lyrics
I feel really quite troubled
What the fuck does it all mean?
And mad as you think I am
I'd be a fool to ignore these songs
That just appear in my head
Especially after that episode with the
"Stay With Me"
On the mountainside in Greece
(It was just a few minutes before I discovered that monastery
And I did stay there
And it was great)
So...
Ah! I love how writing about my actual feelings
Gets me all in a tizz
What to do?
How to figure out?
Twelve hours ago I was all ready to buy a plane ticket to Canada
Got the dates
Got a place to go
But...
Haven't thrown an I Ching
'Cos I'm scared of what it'll say
Even though I trust it
And know it knows best
And sees what I can't see
And don't know what else I'd do if I didn't do that
Which I guess all adds up to
Throwing one
I
Did throw one a few weeks back
It said: "Be receptive. Follow, don't lead.
Listen."
Not long after that a friend offered to buy me a ticket
Offered a place to stay
The works
But...I kind of took control myself
Cos I have money
And ideas about times and places
And always want the best deal
Whether I'm paying for it or not
And -
Nowhere man, don't worry
Take your time, don't hurry
Leave it all
Till somebody lends you a hand
Which, really, brings us right back where we started:
If the answer's coming
And it's my lot to surrender
To wait for assistance
To...
But I've still got to get on with my life
Can't stay here forever
Now the work is done
So then I think,
Well let's just hit the road
Go back to Exeter
Sleep in my shack
And resume my perfect happy hobo life
But is that surrender?
Who's deciding?
Fuck
You know what?
Sane people don't deal with these issues
They just get on with it
Book holidays went they want to
Do what they wish
And have a nice time doing it
But at the same time...
It's a long time since I met a 'sane person'
Who had anything that I wanted
Who had a fraction of the joy
The peace
The enthusiasm
And the excitement
Weird old world, innit?
Weird old me
Weird old everybody
Weird old...
That's another thing that strikes me:
Just how bizarre it is
When you think of the way
Pretty much anybody spends their time
Think about it
Think about our hobbies
Our jobs
Our procrastinations
The hours we spend with things that have no value
Billions of us
And then we die
Some men devote their lives to hunting yetis
Excited by hairs found in trees
And persevere even when scientists tell them
"That's one hundred percent horse"
Some women scan groceries for a living
Day after day
Decade after decade
Some people write millions of mad words
That no one will ever read
Some people just watch TV
Others do awesome things
And have grand plans for the future
And then die in really retarded ways
While still young and beautiful
I've been thinking about this a lot the last year or so
It must mean something
Say something about me
About where I'm at
But what that is
I'm not quite sure
It's kind of like:
Nothing really matters
So you might as well do anything
Which - again - brings us right back to where we started
And the whole dilemma of whether
We're masters of our own universe
And can do whatever we choose
Or whether there's a higher power guiding us
And the smartest thing is to go with that
The higher power's definitely guided me in my time
Guiding me now, I suppose
And I guess what I'd really like
Beyond everything
Is to understand that higher power
To meet it
And to experience that mystical yogic bliss
I've long read about
'Cept the thing with that
As opposed to say
Wanting a nice car
A new kitchen
Two weeks on the beach
The new Dan Brown
Is that I know the way to all those things
But only the higher power knows the way
To the higher power
Shit and balls!
It's pretty frustrating, no? ;-)