True CV

Work Experience

October 2011-May 2013

Referee – Various football leagues around Leeds, West Yorkshire

Long fancied doin’ a bit of reffin’ and finally got the chance: now I blow my whistle

and giggle while 22 blokes run around and try and kick a ball into a net. I know

that sounds flippant but let me assure you I take this job very seriously and always

try and do the best I can. I became an FA-qualified ref in January 2012 and

completed 55 11-a-side games in my first season. I also referee 5-a-side at Goals

Soccer Centre.

September 2010-January 2011

Waiter – Café Provençal, Herne Hill, London

Waiting tables at this funky little restaurant, going back to my roots – only this time

sober and non-crazy and nice. Was fun although I had to leave in the end ‘cos pretty
much all the other waitstaff were a right royal pain, so critical and competitive and
non-supportive. But the Polish kitchen cooks were lovely, and the customers were
great, and not having to go shopping for being fed on the job was a pleasure that’ll
be sadly missed. Money was decent too.

May 2010-July 2011

Landscape Gardener – Origin Landscapes, London

Working for this lovely bloke, Jay, digging holes, smashing up walls and bits of

concrete, building sheds, laying paths and patios, and generally making rubbish things

beautiful. I love this job! It’s so satisfying to go home all achy at the end of the day

having worked my body and created something wonderful, while at the same time

having chats and laughs with awesome men. Ah, to be outdoors! So much better than

those lame and stressful jobs full of computers and responsibility and zero physical

activity.

April 2010

Roofin’ – with Danny Squash, Herne Bay, Kent

Did one week’s roofin’ which mainly involved taking old slates and batons off a

bungalow roof and putting new ones back on. Lots of ladder climbing and precarious

balancing – but didn’t fall even once. Also, didn’t get fired; it was just a one week job

and I thought, “roofin’? Hell yeah!” I’ll do owt for a week.

June-July 2009

Landscape Gardener – Origin Landscapes, London

My first stint with Jay and his accomplices, Eddie and Gary (see above); got the job

through Jay’s brother Ollie (see below). Best moments: digging up some seriously

massive lumps of concrete and making a perfectly straight fence. Oh, the joy of

eyeballing that fence at the end of the day! You don’t even want paying for work like

that.

Feb-July 2009

Removals – with Ollie, London

Moving furniture and also antique books for Bloomsbury the auctioneers with lovely

Ollie in his old Ford truck. Great job: although there’s nothing heavier than a box of

books, again, it’s working the body, and doing good things for people, and most of it

involved sitting in the truck and chatting with Ollie. He was hilarious! Imagine getting

paid to be driven around London and just listening to a fun and interesting guy tell

stories!

Jan-April 2009

Sports Trader – Rating Report, London

Bit difficult to describe this one: basically, some Rain Man-type maths genius had

invented a computer-based system that bet on sports events (mainly football, tennis, 
darts, and horse racing) and he needed some guys to update the information (goals

being scored, red cards, etc) and keep an eye on things to make sure the system 
didn’t do anything stupid. In practise, this meant watching lots of football, clicking the

occasional button, and larking about with the other guys that worked there. Also, it

was quite exciting, I guess – sometimes we’d win £10000 on a game, and sometimes

we’d lose that amount too. I got fired from this job for, well, not being good enough –

my feeling is that it was a combination of that and also my usual inability to keep to

myself my thoughts of how inept the manager was (he really was). Anyway, probably

a good thing, because I was starting to get just a little too interested in the world of

gambling (ie, I lost about a thousand pounds over the course of a couple of months)

and it also spurred me on to go back to Mexico, which was fantastic in so many ways.

Oct 2008

Van Driver – Safe PC Disposal, Abingdon, Oxfordshire

Drove a van collecting old computers, printers, photocopiers, etc from various parts of

the south of England and then taking them back to the warehouse where they were

packaged together and probably despatched to slightly shady destinations. Only

worked there three days, and never actually got paid – mainly because I crashed the

van three times on my first day out. Fair enough.

July 2008-June 2009

Musician – Oxford and London

Playing guitar with my ex-girlfriend (a wonderful singer!) in various restaurants and

bars and private parties (inc. Oxford University Summer Ball), plus busking on

Cornmarket, where we often made about seventy-five pounds an hour. Mainly in the

pop/soul genre: stuff like Amy Winehouse, Aretha Franklin, Eva Cassidy, and Nina

Simone. Also did a few Michael Jackson songs: our Billie Jean was, frankly,

spectacular.

Feb 2007-July 2008

Shop Manager – Oxfam, Leeds, West Yorkshire

Part-time manager of a charity shop (18-hour week, generally worked about 40,

earning £7250pa) which involved organising the volunteers, trying to find new ones,

sorting through the donations, picking up piles of garbage after weird thieves had

broken into our bins, getting frustrated quite often, doing all the paperwork, manning

the till when people didn’t turn up, trying to think of ways to boost takings and lessen

expenditure (net profit up 63% during my time there), attending incredibly boring

meetings in which the area manager waffled on and on, for hours on end, while saying

almost nothing (ditto during his visits to the shop), and disappearing off to the library

across the road to play facebook scrabble when it all got too much. I quit – with zero

notice – when I’d finally had enough of the area manager’s pointless demands for

pointless paperwork. He really was a massive tool.

June-Dec 2006

Teacher – Pent Valley Technological College, Folkestone, Kent

Got a job teaching English to Years 7-9 at a comprehensive school in Folkestone. I

suppose I was okay, in parts, but eventually the demands of the paperwork got the

better of me and I quit after less than six months (two of which I was on holiday).

Thing is, whoever’s in charge of education (word on the street is it’s the government)

has made this a miserable and punishing experience, placing insane levels of demand 
on teachers – what with endless lesson plans and objectives and performance 
monitoring and pressures – who are already doing a tough enough job as it is (what 
with trying to manage classes of 32 kids who mostly don’t want to learn what you’ve

been forced to teach them and all sense of discipline having long gone out the

window). The clincher came when I realised that, unlike other jobs which might be

difficult in the beginning but could eventually be mastered, there really was no light at

the end of this tunnel: good teachers who had been in the job ten and twenty years

were still working sixty-hour weeks and hated it even more than I did. Tough gig,

man! I mean, I’m a pretty chill guy but even I was sleeping barely two hours a night

and got so cranky I lost the best relationship I ever had. Still, you do get good

holidays…

May-June 2006

Business administrator – Kent Drug and Alcohol Action Team, Whitstable, Kent

My mate Bonjon got me this job (not his real name) which was supposed to involve

doing various admin things, keeping the office running smoothly, filing and sorting

and proofreading reports and generally being of use – except, on the whole, whenever

I turned up for work there was no one else about and I just spent the day tooling

around on the internet and eating terrible biscuits.

Feb-April 2006

Campus Guide – University of Kent, Canterbury, Kent

Showing prospective students around my university, pointing out the fine facilities

and excellent views of the cathedral. Mostly did it for the free lunch, which was

almost yummy.

Oct 2005

Cheese Salesman – Tom’s Cheese, The Goods Shed, Canterbury, Kent

Back to the job I’d done two Christmases before, except this time it mostly involved

standing around on a cold concrete floor waiting for the Tuesday morning customers

that just weren’t going to come. So mainly I ate a lot of cheese and practised tossing

little balls of it in the air and catching them in my mouth: one time I even did two in

one go. Left because it was dull. And because the cheese was making me sick.

Dec 2004-Aug 2005

Logistics Service Representative (!) – Agricorp, Guelph, Canada

Being a general office-type person, filing and typing numbers into a computer which

was all to do with subsidies for Ontario’s dairy farmers. Carved a little niche for

myself as ‘chief file-monkey’ as I was easily the best at finding missing and errant

files – there were over 30000 of them – and I even made an awesome spreadsheet

which kept track of them as they made their way around the building. To be honest, I

hated this job at first – for something like the first six months – but then I realised that

I had to do it my way – which involved lots of messing about (elastic band fights,

photoshop games, sniggering in meetings, etcetera) and disappearing into dark rooms

for naps and such – and after that it was really pretty groovy: in fact, it’s the only job

I’ve had that I didn’t want to leave. How funny! And I’d always been told that the

whole 9-to-5, shirt-and-tie thing was tantamount to death. Oct-Nov 2004

Data-entry Clerk – Ministry for Municipal Affairs and Housing, Guelph, Canada

Typing numbers into a computer, which I kept fun by listening to I’m Sorry I Haven’t

A Clue on the BBC website (and which I made funner by guffawing lots in the

otherwise quiet office, seemingly apropos of nothing). Worked immediately under

this awful tiny woman who was seriously inept, and who I found it impossible to

show any respect for (I’ve long thought myself anti-authoritarian – though I’ve now

realised that’s not strictly true, just that I can only find it within myself to submit to an

authority that knows what they’re doing). Anyway, I was a temp and so that made it

easy for her to get rid of me, even though they made up some lame excuse about there

not being enough work. Although it could also have been the inordinate amount of

eBaying I was doing – or perhaps that Paris Hilton film I downloaded…

Sep 2004

Fish Fryer – Golden Fish and Chips, Guelph, Canada

Fried fish, fried chips; also ate lots of fried fish and fried chips, and went home

stinking of grease every night (carrying several boxes of cold fried fish). Did it for

two weeks. Arteries glad that’s all it was.

Dec 2004

Cheese Salesman – Tom’s Cheese, The Goods Shed, Canterbury, Kent

Details above. Silly old (nice man) Tom said he’d pay me on commission – not

realising that 2004 was the year of the great cheese craze and we’d sell it by the

shedload. Which meant I earned about twice as much as I would have done had I been

paid by the hour. Poor Tom!

August 2003

Delivery Van Driver – Volkswagen, Wakefield, Kent

Buzzing around Yorkshire in a lovely van dropping off car parts hither thither. Temp

agency job.

Feb 2003-May 2004

Student Mentor – Kent County Council, Kent

Worked one-on-one with 14-18 year-olds at various high schools in Kent, seeking to

help them with their studies and problems and goals and stuff. Hopefully did some

good.

Nov 2002-Feb 2003

Cake Salesman – Daizylake Comfort & Cake, The Goods Shed, Canterbury, Kent

Worked two days a week on a little cake stall for this sweet woman whose name I

can’t quite remember. Ate lots and lots of cake! Lovely lemon drizzle.

Summer 2002

Musical Group Leader – Fred Nicholson Special School, Dereham, Norfolk

I say “musical group leader” and “summer 2002” – but what it actually involved was

me going to this school for one hour and playing “All You Need Is Love” and

“Kumbaya” – about the only songs I knew – with a class of special needs kids. God

only knows how I got that gig!

May 2002

Postman – Royal Mail, Dereham, Norfolk

I’d come back from Canada/Ireland sort of at a loss and in need of a job – and then I’d

suddenly started seeing all these postmen and their groovy red bicycles and weirdly

become overwhelmed with envy and it made me want to be one. So I applied for

every postie job I saw and got one down in Norfolk, in this lovely little town with its

own holy well and everything. I only did it for two weeks – they got a bit weird when

they found out I was sleeping in the graveyard – but it was pretty awesome as it led

directly to me finally going to university and moving to Kent. You just never know

where a thing will lead.

May 2002

Security Guard – Guinness, Dublin

One night sitting in a large office building trying to get some kip and being annoyed

that all the computers were password protected. Would’ve passed so fast with a bit of

online Risk!

Jan 2002

Proofreader and Editor – David Aitken Associates, Vancouver, Canada

My mate Shalene paid me $150 to proofread this book she was writing – which was

totally lucky as it was just what I needed to get to Toronto to catch my plane home (I

was basically penniless at the time and otherwise would’ve had to hitch the entire of

bleak mid-winter Canada in something like three days).

Sep 2001

Juggling Instructor – Some arts fair, Wakefield, West Yorkshire

Taught devil sticks to kids on a bit of concrete by the canal. Half paid for my plane

ticket to Canada.

June 2001

Waiter – Saluté, Woodlesford, West Yorkshire

Not sure I can really put this as I never turned up for my first day’s work. Thing was,

I’d read some quote not long beforehand that said, “Never take a job that requires the

purchase of new shoes” and that sort of made sense to me at the time (I didn’t have

any shoes). Also, Wimbledon was about to start and I really loves Wimbledon. In any

case, I think I was justified in my thinking – it was the year that Goran Ivanisevic

won, against all the odds, and I think that’s just about the best thing I’ve ever seen on

the field of sport. I cry every single time I see the highlights (which has been quite a

few times seeing as I videoed it).

Dec 2000-April 2001

Faith Healer – Self-employed, Todos Santos, Mexico, and Paris, France

Found I could heal people through touch and prayer after a fairly intense period of

spiritual practice and got quite into it for a period due to friends telling other people

and those other people coming to see me. Always did it by donation – either food or

money – so earnings would vary from something like two oranges to the one time an

old French lady gave me €130. Pretty cool job.

Sep-Oct 2000

Receptionist – Yogi Tea, Amsterdam, Holland

Worked on the front desk for a couple of weeks, answering the phone, etcetera. Quit

‘cos I wanted to go outside and play in the sun. Also, because I was a little bit mad.

April 1999

Painter ‘n’ Decorator’s Assistant – My mate Robin, Charlottesville, Virginia

Worked on Brad Dourif’s sister’s porch, stripping paint, etcetera.

July 1998

Dishwasher – The Inn at Grand Lake, Grand Lake, Colorado

Washed dishes and ate enormous quantities of leftover trout (which I later vomited by

the sinkful). Also was supposed to change bedclothes in the rooms but thought it

rather pointless – they looked pretty clean to me – so I just straightened the sheets and

with the time I saved watched Wimbledon.

March- June 1998

Ranch-hand and Stunt Cowboy – Bell Ranch, Tombstone, Arizona

Learning how to fall off speeding horses from an old movie stunt cowboy, as well as

do tricks like leapfrogging into the saddle and being dragged along through the dirt on

the end of a rope. Also fed and shod the horses and mules and built things out of

leftover wood, as well as other menial/manual tasks. Plus, watched wrinkled old

cowboys drink themselves stupid before lunch.

Nov 1997-Jan 1998

Waiter and Bartender – Escafé, Charlottesville, Virginia

Waited tables, mixed cocktails, got massive tips on account of my accent – and also

improperly prodded and poked by naughty homosexual men pretty much every Friday

night. Also, got drunk quite a lot while I was supposed to be working (problems in my

head). Asked to leave after an enemy threatened to grass up my bosses for employing

an illegal alien.

June-Sep 1997

Waiter – C&O Restaurant, Charlottesville, Virginia

Waited tables, got massive tips on account of my accent, and got drunk a lot while I

was supposed to be working, always on the house, and sometimes for many hours

after the bar had closed. Made to leave after getting arrested for crashing a car while

intoxicated; owner was in the process of adopting a Chinese baby and didn’t want any

heat.

Dec 1996-Feb 1997

Receptionist – Grand Pacific Hostel, San Diego, California

Worked the desk in exchange for a bed. Left because I one night kissed an Australian

girl and thought it would be a good idea to follow her to New Orleans. Wasn’t.

July-Nov 1996

Removals – Ben Hur, New York, NewYork

Carrying boxes, etcetera. Amazing how many people in New York have pianos but no

elevators.

July 1996

Bicycle Courier – Don’t Know, New York, New York

Zooming the wrong way up Fifth Avenue and getting nailed by ridiculous immigrant

taxi action and blind-eyed pedestrians on a daily basis. What a buzz!

Sep 1991-May 1996

Guitar Dealer – Self-employed, Leeds, West Yorkshire

Bought and sold guitars, ideally with a hundred percent profit margin in mind;

sometimes got ripped off, sometimes (mildly) ripped other people off. Also, was on

the dole.

Oct 1994-May 1995

Guitar Salesman – Scheerers, Leeds, West Yorkshire

Head of guitar department, in charge of orders and sales (one other guy worked there),

boosting takings by something like thirty percent from the previous, actually quite

successful guy. Was fired for doing my own dealings in the shop and blurring the

lines of what’s dodgy and what’s not. Again, s’fair enough. (I went in a few years ago

and gave them £500, just to sort of say sorry.)

Mar 1991-Oct 1994

Guitar Salesman – Northern Guitar Centre, Leeds, West Yorkshire

Worked for my dad, starting off doing work experience, then as Saturday boy, then

finally full-time, earning £50 per week plus the attic room to live in. Was pretty

awesome being seventeen and living above a guitar shop smack bang in the middle of

Leeds, rolling in drunk from the clubs with friends, having jam sessions and

occasionally going all Hendrix on some beatup old plank – and then hopefully making

it downstairs in the morning in time to clear up the mess before my dad turned up. I

was quite a good guitar salesman – nothing finer than matching some youthful

beginner with a nice-playin’ cheap instrument and sending him on his way – but, alas,

my wheeler-dealer dad taught me only too well and once I started doing my own thing

and greed and dishonesty got the better of me it was only a matter of time before

conflicting interests came to a head and he gave me the boot. Sacked by my own dad!

But I think he’s forgiven me now. I really was a shit back then. Luckily, I’m much,

much better now…

Volunteer Experience

I have worked as a volunteer for Oxfam in Canterbury, sorting and pricing records

(2003-2007, 2010-); at a high school in Norfolk (teaching assistant); at a creative arts

project for young children in West Yorkshire (teaching guitar and devil sticks); and as

a cook at a Buddhist meditation centre. I’ll pretty much do anything for free as long as

it interests me.

Currently

I live in Leeds where I am studying Writing For Performance And Publication (MA) at 
the university. These days I like jobs that don’t stress me out and leave me brain space
for other things.