Exeter, Devon #2

Kwupdate

Can't believe I've been here three weeks!
Mostly just wandering the streets
Feeling happy
Smiling at people
I love being a hobo!
Buying sandwiches for the homeless
Walking slowly
Helping women with their shopping
And so much time to think and meditate and pray
Early nights in my abandoned shack
Miraculously sleeping out of the rain
Feeling better than I think I ever have
In fact -
Two days ago I was fretting:
Man, what I really love is growth
But the way it's going I'm way too pleased with myself to grow
Dissatisfaction and boredom so frequently the keys to newness
I needn't have worried
Wink wink
Today was all kinds of thoughts
But then...
Something shifted and joy returned
So much laughter and glee
I can't understand it
But I'm loving it

Pee bottle

One of the best things about camping
Is peeing in a two-litre plastic bottle
No need to leave the tent
No toilet water to waste
Plus you get to see how much you've peed
The other night
Between 10 and 10
I filled the whole two litres!
And then some
(But we won't go into what "and then some" means)

Loving myself

There once was a time
Hitching through Colorado in '98
That I got so deliriously happy
I would hug myself
And leap in the road
And declare to the world
"I love my life!"
Before looking swiftly around
Making sure no one had heard
And many's the day
I've longed for that feeling to return
Well now -
It's not quite the same
But it might be even better
My life - the world that happens around me -
Is much of a muchness
Nice enough
I can't complain
But what I'm really digging
Is me
These days
Walking 'round Exeter
Catching myself laughing
And realising how much
"I love myself"
It's true!
I do!
I'm so much fun to be around
And as I type that I realise:
Yes
Double meaning
The "me" that's fun
Is crazy-ass Rory
Such a sweet silly fellow
Not a 'grown-up' at all
And the "me" that's loving it
Is the me that gets to watch the show
The one who is 'around'
The body and the mind
I generally think I am

Loving myself #2

About a month ago
Talking about my healed relationship with my mother
With a very good friend
She asked me if I felt my mother loved me
Tears came to my eyes
My heart moved considerably
And: "yes," I said
For the first time ever
Believing it
Wow, I realised
Something's happened
Something big
Believing oneself loved
Is a major step in life

The Pound Shop

I bought a padlock the other day
From the pound shop
Didn't expect much
But even I was surprised
When only one of the three keys worked
You gets what you pays for
I guess
On closer inspection
The two non-functioning keys
Weren't even the right shape:
For some totally different lock!
There's a first
Reminds me of the time
I bought some scissors
That wouldn't even cut paper
:-)

Phone

I got rid of my phone
A couple of weeks back
The first day or so
I trembled
Wondered what I was missing
Wondered how I'd survive
Then I got used to it
Then I forgot all about it
Noticed that I was still here
Still fulfilled
And still, in fact
In a town where I know no one
(Save a nice guy I used to play football with in London
Who I bumped into one day;
He moved here the day before me)
Still getting plenty enough human interaction
And weirdly enough
Feeling happier than I did with it
Doing better things
Those pre-sleep moments
When the emotions start arising
Than checking up on the football
Or sending pointless messages
To far off people
I may never see again
Like -
Really getting into kind of hypnotising myself
It's amazing
The depth of memories
One recalls in that state
Maybe even past-life too!
Though I wouldn't go so far as to rule out the possibility of fantasy
Anyway
Just wanted to mention
That I got rid of my phone
And life's better without it
<grin>

The Eternal Questions

Groovy though everything is
They remain
Whether to jet off someplace
Who to get in a relationship with
Where to live
What to do
Sometimes it gets a bit tiring
But I suppose I'm making some sort of progress
And if I never pondered beyond tomorrow
Which is how it should be
It wouldn't matter one jot

Choices

The big problem
If you can really call it that
Is that problem I've been having a long time:
Namely
That the world's my oyster
And I know it
Know that I can go anywhere
Do anything
Be anyone
With an infinite menu
How're you supposed to pick?
Commitment, I guess
Is the issue
Choosing one thing
From the multitude
And sticking at it
But in a world without limitations
Why would I want to do that?
Of course, everyone else says:
Travel
Follow your dreams
Just be wild and free
And that appeals somewhat
Although what they're probably saying is
I wish I could travel
I wish I was free
I wish I could just leave everything and go wherever I wanted
But it's not all it's cracked up to be
And when your soul needs something different, perhaps
Doing what you want might not be the best thing
What about "Thy will be done"?
Self-denial?
Surrendering to The Source?
Not that I know how to do that
I still get out of bed
Think about my day
Eat and brush my teeth
And wait for some instructions
And the instructions never come
(Except, of course, they do
Right when I need them
Just that I think I need them
When I don't
And think it a lot)
Anyway -

Exeter

Has been very good to me
I can't even explain
Because I don't understand
Why I'm so gleeful
So content
Just walking the streets
Meditating in churches
Eating snacks
And digging my thoughts
It may be coming to an end now
Or it may not
Only one day at a time
Suffices as a way to live
But -
Wow! What a trip it's been
What a lovely, homeless vacation
What a blessing and a gift
Thank you, lovely Exeter.