Grace

Monday morning. Work soon. But want to write as head swimming with thoughts of Grace. Can’t stop thinking about her. Searched again yesterday for her online but no trace, save old addresses and parents. How did it come to this? That my head has become so full of this woman from my youth. Fourteen goddamn years ago! And I wasn’t really thinking of her till I wrote my book and Leah went on her hunt. Now I think of her all the time. Want to settle down with someone but can’t because of the thought of her. Feel haunted and sick that I didn’t get in her car. Wonder where my life would have been. And all this could be cured with a simple email that said, forget about it boy, it was just one of those things, I moved on and found a happy life with another and have never really thought of you since. There is no future. And all these dreams…

But it doesn’t come, and the dreams go on. If I wasn’t banned from America I’d be on a plane there now. Just to know. But I am banned and sneaking in from Canada doesn’t seem so smart and it’s maybe that being banned – the second and third exclusions that took it from five to ten to twenty years – that was the biggest mistake I made in all this. The first deportation was perfect. And maybe not getting in that car too. But the others…

Foolishness. And maybe all this is more foolishness too.

Still, what’s a man to do? It may be foolish but it’s also my reality. That thoughts of her got in the way of my last relationship. That more and more I feel I see her face in the faces of so many of the women in town, and know they’re the kind of faces I’m attracted to. That when I think of giving myself to Laura I know I hold myself back because of the possibility of Grace, no matter how infinitely small it might be. I believe that these things can happen. That the miraculousness of our first two meetings could be repeated. That maybe everything of the past fourteen years was meant to be. That maybe we’re in the right place now. That maybe when I go to Greece in August…

Americans go to Greece too. Miracles and coincidences happen. If it’s meant to be then…

I keep everything open for that. I can’t help it. I guess if someone else swept me off my feet and rocked my world it wouldn’t be an issue. And all the time the clock is ticking.

But is it not just some psychological error on my part? A symptom of my fear of commitment? The one last inarguable get out clause? And where will it leave me? Forty and single and with Laura then past the age of baby making and maybe still hoping and dreaming and –

I could always write to her, I suppose, at one of those parents’ addresses. I tried calling her mother’s once but all I got was a surly suspicious Frenchman who wasn’t helpful at all. I facebook messaged her sister but heard nothing back from that. Who knows? Maybe she’s a black sheep because she gave her life to spirituality and never settled down and keeps moving from town to town and the family have no contact. Or maybe they passed it on and she has no interest, told them not to say anything to me cos all these thoughts of mine are actually stalkerish and scary and not infinitely divinely romantic after all. Or maybe messages just got lost and she’s no idea I’m out here thinking about her. She’s like the one person in the world who has basically no online presence. Like I sometimes wish I didn’t.

I don’t want to be a stalker. I don’t want to be scary. I don’t want to be psychologically weird and not even know it. But I don’t seem to be able to help the way I think and feel. And the bottom line is I think about this person a lot and wonder what the hell it all means. Want an answer and to be free of it so I can move on. Really, nothing more than that.

Having these thoughts in my head and being able to do nothing about them is an absolute pain. Especially when you know your next step in life is knuckling down to a proper committed relationship.

What to do? I did an I Ching about it a while ago – back when I was thinking of giving it a go with Laura – and, much to my surprise, it talked most positively and declared “the way is now clear.” That was a bit of a shock: I was hoping it would talk about foolishness and the necessity of letting go of the past cos whatever was once there was long gone. Not very helpful. But you’ve gotta trust old Ching. That leaves, I suppose, me needing to get in touch. Although there was all that stuff at Amma’s last year that led me to believe it was all stuff and nonsense. That helped kill the thoughts, for a little while at least. ‘Cept here they are again.

Getting in touch. Tried that. Did the aforementioned and also sent a letter to a dentist’s in Grand Junction she may or may not have been at. God! Even just typing that makes me feel like a complete nutter. And yet still I contemplate firing off postcards to old addresses and hoping that one of them makes it. But for what? Divergent thoughts then about how mental that’ll make me appear; how perhaps it’s best just to leave it to fate and destiny and timing; about not rocking the boat and not trying to make the grass grow faster by tugging it; and thoughts about the nature of the internet and how before it all these things would have been forgotten, allowed to fade into the natural mists of ships that pass in the night and maybe even nostalgic “what ifs?” but never “maybe could still bes.”

But – ah – real life intrudes and I have a nice long conversation about karma and non-violence with one of the Christian housemates – one of the more liberal ones – and typing takes a break. Probably said enough. And what I start to think is: far worse things happen to far better people than me.

And now it’s time for work.