1. Last thing I wrote was about Grace. So then I did some pretty awesome detective work involving streetview and various other things and found four previous addresses and sent stupid little letters to them saying, basically, "get in touch please, I've a monkey on my back and I'd like your help in shaking it off" (using none of those words). My thinking: 5 days to get there; a bit of time in the system getting redirected (as far as I'm aware mail redirection in America is free so probably everybody does it); and then maybe it'll land on her new doormat; and then maybe she'll think about it for a bit and either get in touch of not. I dunno. Actually writing seems to make the whole thing even stupider. But what the hey.
2. Also I was probably writing about the whole "man I need to sort my ass out and get me a wife/(female) life partner" and wondering how that could ever possibly happen. But then Nicky turned up on Saturday saying she's realised her mistakes and how horribly she's treated me and wants me back. Then I went to stay with Laura after not seeing her for a month or so and found her alluring once again. And even got to thinking of ******, which is perhaps mad. But if there's really no such thing as a wrong choice then you might as well go for the maddest one, eh? Ah, it's so tough making these decisions - and especially so when you've already slept with everybody and so can't see things clearly; when it should be all about personality dumb/shallow things like the shape of the body and compatibility in bed creep in. How to make this choice? But make it I must: there's a part of me that thinks I've really done nothing with the last twelve years 'cept tread water. How dull! Growth is fun and exciting - but, wow, my ego holds such a firm sway over me.
3. Anyways, I reckon what I'll do is make a decision come September time, after Greece. Greece could be awesome and things may change there, or at least I'll have thinking time and perhaps get clear. Also, there's a part of my brain that is building a wonderful fantasy about re-bumping into Grace while I'm out there, now that I'm finally ready to go for it. Wouldn't that be awesome? And make a great movie and book and enable me to feel ever so special and better than everybody else. Hm. In any case, I can't decide nothing till then. And given how up in the air life is at the moment...
4. I applied to train to be a psychotherapist at an place on the Yorkshire coast. That'd be four years and answer many questions and soothe my wandering head.
5. I moved out of the Christian house cos the lease was up and the boys went off on their various summers and became, therefore, once more homeless. Ho hum. But I can't say it's really bothering me and it worked out okay last time. Worked out pretty awesomely actually. Though the Christianity perhaps got a little tiring in the end.
6. Then the day after I moved out I bought a campervan. Don't know why but I'd been dwelling on it for a while and the coin said "do it" so I did. It was cheap and, if it doesn't need too much work doing on it for the MOT I should make some quiddles. Plus, I'll have had the experience of owning and maybe even living in a campervan. It's got a stove and fridge and everything; you can even stand up in it. Just hope it don't all go pear-shaped like usually happens when me and motorised vehicles get acquainted.
7. Is that it? I work and I see my dad and I'm back to Laura's for the third night running tonight and that's pretty nice, still feel well comfortable with her. I keep wondering what it is I'm being stubborn about - see Shawn's angel reading for more details - and I sometimes wonder if it isn't her. Or probably just settling down in general. What else could it be but ego? How rubbish is that? And...
Ironically enough a friend messages me just as I begin this blog entry. A few days ago she'd said she'd found her man - finally - and they were gonna get it on. But then...
– Don't think so. Got work most days. What's wrong?
– Need to talk with someone with the kind of same issues about God, relationships and commitment.
– Well God is tricky. Relationships and commitment - just do it!
– it seems to be not so easy...
– Why not? A guy wants you, you like him. Just go for it and maybe it'll be easier than you think. Maybe taking the step is the solution to worrying whether you can actually take the step or not.
– He's too afraid, he got second thoughts and I want someone who will choose me with all his heart.
– Hm. That sucks. Though it doesn't surprise me. Nothing ever runs smoothly with you! Why don't you talk to him about it? Also, it doesn't matter whether he chooses you with all his heart, just that he chooses you. Everybody's afraid when it comes to commitment. Even people that really want to do it. Even people that know they want to do it and don't have any second thoughts feel fear and want to throw up at the wedding altar.
– I did, we talked a lot. He felt that the decision he took is not really his choice, but something which goes beyond him. Something life chose for him and the ego doesn't like it so much.
– So? Why doesn't he just overcome his ego? Maybe life is smarter than his silly little ego. ;-)
– Yes, sure, simple! He cannot renounce to fuck other women. Well, Rory, you should know that men love to have power over women and this is a way...
– It's not to have power over women, just that a large part of us finds having sex with lots of women appealing. Pure and simple. And even though our better parts know it's not that satisfying it's pretty hard to let go of. Especially if you've been used to it. Especially if you've got a lot of ego and fear and all that jazz. It's a problem.
– So, what should I do?
– Well I guess if he can't do it he can't do it. And then he'll just live the free and single life and one day be old and lonely and never have children and grandchildren and a companion in the years where maybe sleeping with other [beautiful young] women isn't even possible. Plus all the opportunities for growth which a long-term relationship affords. Which sounds kind of rubbish. Maybe he'll realise that and maybe he won't.
What should you do? You should probably make yourself as appealing and lovely as possible but definitely not sleep with him and definitely not sleep with anyone else - but maybe hint at going on dates or meeting someone you like - and then see if he changes his mind. You should be firm in what you want and not get swayed. If you give him sex he probably won't give you anything more. It's like holding a carrot out to lead a donkey - you don't feed the donkey.
He'll probably come around. He sounds like me. I'm getting there...slowly.
– All right, it is already in my program anyway. That's good advice. Thank you Rory...
Awesome, isn't it, when you end up giving advice and insight about the very thing you know you can't do yourself, and know even in the moment that you're giving advice to your own self too? ;-)
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