Breaking

Seems like things are reaching a breaking point with the Christians. Getting more and more ostracised and this time it’s not only in my head or of my own doing. Christian’s retreating further into contraction of the mind and his religion. He finds my theology frightening and I guess he’s not quite ready to go beyond his, no matter what he might see in and believe about me. A girl had offered her house for July – a good sweet Christian girl – but someone talked her out of it, because of our different spiritual beliefs. I had thought it was one particularly rigid young know-it-all, one of those who has an answer for everything – including the one where someone like Amma – an embodiment of goodness and love and miracles and everything they believe Jesus to be – could actually be a tool of the devil; the devil being so devious and smart as to do all the good things the saintly would do, just not in the right name. There’s no arguing with a logic like that. Poor soul. But turns out it may actually have been Christian himself. He does struggle so. I know he loves me, sees something in me, bows down to what he confesses is a greater knowledge, a larger storehouse of experience. But he also feels somewhat responsible for the young flock, and a need to save them from this heretic.

Yesterday he says he wants to talk. Wonders what I’m doing here. Mentions my “watching Christian deconversion videos in the house” (super fascinating). Gets ready, probably, to say I should leave. I guess I feel some anger rising up and instead of just listening cut him off. After all, isn’t he the man who invited me to stay? Said he didn’t believe God had brought me into his life to harm him? Comments repeatedly on the peace and experience and knowledge he sees in me and wants to learn from, all the while acknowledging his struggle and shortcomings?

I stand up and walk towards him. Put my arms on his shoulders.

“You’re in the tension between contraction and expansion,” I said.

“How else,” he replied instantly, “is one to be born?”

I was amazed by his answer. We left it at that. Even as a part of him revolts and attacks, his level of self-awareness and ability to be humble and truthful shines through.

I feel proud of myself too, for stepping out of my previous habit of merely listening and allowing myself to be rejected and silently moving on, thinking these thoughts but expressing them not.

Being around all these Jesus-lovers and reading of him again seems to have got me living a bit more of his boldness. Especially when it comes to matters of the divine and expressing the voice within.