Sorry for the delay. Not to worry, I've found a comfortable branch of crazy on which to reside. I haven't forgotten your reading, I still intend on doing it. Something is making me wait, whether the wait is based on my own stuff or for your benefit, I'm not completely sure. A big part of this reading thing is about surrendering, so that's what I'm doing. When the wave comes I'll ride it. Hope your'e doing well my brother, I think about you fondly & frequently! I do miss Momma, and I did get high off doing readings, this reading will happen, I imagine, when we are both ready...
Much love,
Shawn
May 7th:
It happened. Saw your picture on Facebook and suddenly I'm in your head, or you're in mine. The old feeling came so I sat down and watched the words happen, words that came without any ideas or thoughts behind them. Honestly, I was surprised that they made any sense when I finally looked up to read them. Anyway, here you go....
Good Light.
Dearest divine soul, you perceive a gulf between the connection that once was to a perceived lack you now find within yourself. This lack, this perceived emptiness has created a yearning in you, a desire for connection, for purpose. What must be understood is that it is only your perception which allows a distance from your connection, from the divine, from us. We have never left. The connection you feel has diminished has never retreated, in fact you are constantly being bathed in our light, in our energy, it is only the aperture of your mind which has contracted leaving you feeling as though life has darkened. This constriction of flow has created a need to reach out, to find comfort in any way that you consider possible in your current state of perception. Loneliness is a self made void that can never be filled by anything in the outer world. It is a vacuum which draws forth and is never satisfied. Ask yourself why it is that you feel disconnected. Target that which separates you from the ever present flow which constantly strives to flow through you. Your mind has been busy building reality in such a way that you may function in a world which is daunting to you. You perceive reality as something other than what it is. You long for the magic, the synchronicity, and your idea that the world is a place devoid of this is mistaken. Calm your mind, open yourself, you will find that this material world is made of the same substance as that which flowed through you for a time when you finally opened yourself up to it. Go forth into the world as a child, with wonder and see it pregnant with possibilities as you once did.
You have progressed on your own and have reached a standstill. There is a stubbornness within you. A refusal to surrender as a means of self-protection. A time has come in which to carry on with your journey with a new opportunity to diminish the selfishness within your nature. This selfishness is not unusual or to be labeled as a negative trait, this notion will only strengthen it. You are instinctively aware that the way in which you may be able to accomplish this is with another. To share a life, to share a love with someone. To grow together, leapfrogging each other on your path of experience. Your mind, your self-created idea of yourself is your biggest obstacle. You attract what you are, this you know and when you encounter someone who is energetically matched to you, you see yourself and reject the person who you are with. This rejection is indicative of an unwillingness to reach inside and face the fears and misgivings you have born of a troubled past and a misguided sense of self-worth. Dear one, you are a beacon of light hiding under an idea of yourself as a limited being. You have been given rare insight and experience and yet these fade into the background in favor of a more realistic outlook on life and your place in it. To say that you will attract what you are does not imply that you must become a better man, a more whole individual and then go forth to attract, you are at a place of standstill and require others to help you grow as you are in this moment. It is necessary to forgive yourself for your past and to forgive those things within you that you perceive as unworthy traits. This can be practiced and accomplished by doing the same in others with the understanding that the flaws and imperfections you see in others are only a reflection of that which you despise within yourself. You are a self-created being full of only light and love and the beauty of diversity, it is labels of good and bad which weigh like an anchor leaving you in stagnant waters. See in others this same beauty of diversity, learn to cherish it within them as well as yourself. Vanquish from your mind the ideal of the perfect partner because it is a false construct and not in line with your vibrational needs at this time. Do not fear making a wrong choice, ride the wave of life where it takes you, see the wonder and beauty in others, have a sense of humor about the labels which your mind persistently places on certain traits or ideals, only then can you allow yourself to surrender to another person and thus weaken the selfish tendencies and false ideals you have created. Through our eyes you are pure beauty and potential, a light which begs to stream forth into the world. Your mind-created ideals appear as murky shadows which lay over this light obscuring it. Stop worrying and thinking so much in regards to relationships and your own purpose, go forth and feel your way through each moment rather than ponder the moments to come. This must be done by you, for yourself. This is your own chosen journey and there is no benefit in being told what steps to take, you must feel your way through, you must walk away from the beach of the notion of this world of so-called reality and wade into the water of feeling and experience until you are ready to plunge into its depths. We are with you every moment, we are guiding you with the quietest of whispers, but the choices must be your own.
May 10th:
Dearest brother, thank you so much for sending this through. A million thanks. I hope you're okay with it again after all this time. As for the reading...
...well, I haven't quite had the balls to read it yet! Lol. Don't know why: want to write up latest blog entry first (get empty) and then find a bit of space to sit with it and digest properly. Will let you know.
Big groovy love!
Rory
May 18th:
So how do you feel about doing it? Not so unsettling as you thought? Hope it was all good. Must say, there's plenty in there that resonates, and tons of food for thought. Which is perhaps maybe not the idea - thinking enough already! - but how can one help it?
And you wrote all that without reading my blog? Then it makes even more sense than you realise. ;-)
But - phew! - I swear it makes me want to ask a dozen questions more. I'm gonna spend some time with this one. Feel it might compel me to some fairly major changes and I want to try and make sure I get them as right as possible. Too much exuberant flippancy in my youth!
And maybe not enough of it in more recent years. ;-)
Big love to you and yours! Let me know how things are.
Many hugs,
Rory
May 19th:
No it was not unsettling, it was fine. It's not really the readings themselves which I have had issues with, more being perpetually open to stuff, nagged by information which I could do without crowding into my head all the time, wondering if it was just my mind going nutballs or something else but that was then, this is now, it's all good.
As to your question, no I didn't read any of your blog. I have questions too and I wanted to see if this thing could still work, I still question whether or not it was ever real. I still wonder if something was in fact speaking through me or if I was just lucky or if I was just trancing myself out and my subconscious was doing the writing. Granted, things came through for you and many others which I cannot explain away, things which the luckiest of people would probably not have guessed and yet doubt still comes. I still wonder WTF! I was hoping that by doing this I might get some questions answered. After receiving a request for a reading from someone I haven't talked to in years, then the very next day a request from you, I said to whatever it is out there, "ok, if you want me to do this then prove it, give me some definite sign, then I will." I waited and nothing really happened until I saw your picture on facebook, then I felt something familiar, like I was in your head, like I was both you & me at the same time. That's what always happened before with a reading and I had forgotten about that particular detail. So I did my normal thing, a brief meditation, a prayer Momma taught me then sat down and waited for the first word which came right away. I two-finger typed word after word in rapid succession never looking up and never having any idea of how each sentence is going to end, which in itself I find rather odd.
Afterwords I read it and I thought it sounded like a bunch of vague new-age gobbledy goop. I decided to send it as is and see what happened. Of course I was hoping that there would be something there for you that would help but I admit I was expecting (maybe hoping) you would tell me it's crap and doesn't apply to you at all and I could put it all behind me and stop wondering. After I sent it I then read the blog you posted, that was a continuation I believe, and when I read the part about you seeing your own stuff in others I was surprised and confused having expected this reading to most likely be off base or inaccurate. So, I'm not sure what to think, not sure if this reading really hit home for you or what but I was kinda hoping for something black and white, definitive either way and it seems that neither one of us got that. Maybe there is a lesson in that itself. So now here we are, both asking, what now!? Before when I did these I felt a desire to serve but also there was an ego component, I wanted to be a spiritual somebody. Through it all I have come to a satisfied place, I know myself to be made of consciousness or awareness that lurks behind everything and that's it, no biggy really just doing my day to day shit. Not having that desire to be some kinda Mega-Christ or Super-Buddha anymore is very nice and thus the desire to do readings and be crazy open to all kinds of spirits tampering and fucking with me is all gone.
Don't know why I'm telling you all this but I guess your the only one now days that I ever would tell it to! In the end everything's cool on my end, I guess not having all the answers is fine ;) I'll just keep on keeping on and take it as it comes.... Hope everything is working out for you, let me know how your doing, talk to you later.
Much love,
Shawn
Much love,
Shawn
May 20th:
Aha! Well I'm really glad it was all good for you and not nutballs again! Funny thing is that I've just started living with some very young Christians and mentioned the healing thing for the first time in years the other day and one or two people have expressed an interest in experiencing that, so we'll see where that goes. Something I've tried to push away or forget about or 'transcend' or just wasn't sure what to do with but something I always think about and, of course, always loved since it always feels groovy and peaceful and nice. But probably there always was that ego thing and, yep, that "super-Buddha" thing - LOL! - but, like you said, it doesn't really feel like that these days - know myself too well as just a very normal quite often douchebag bloke - so not much chance of that.
Anyways...to your reading. Well, I guess for me there's not really much need for 'proof' since you've done so many in the past and they were always awesome but I guess being naturally cynically-minded - not a bad thing - 'concrete proof' is something I look for too. But then again, especially when I remember the one time I was lucky enough to be in person with you when you did it that was all the proof I ever needed. 'Specially that stomach healing thing you/they did! All very groovy. And I do want to think/write more about this most recent reading but I guess I wanted to give it a bit more time, things are very much in transition with me and I'm trying not to jump to mad conclusions these days. ;-) But your email makes me want to just address a few things in there so you know that it was actually pretty specific. Like the loneliness - something I'd been writing about loads over the previous months - and also that "perceived diminished connection". Very helpful, that. Perhaps that thing about "building reality in such a way that you may function in a world which is daunting to you" was one of the most specific things too - something I think about a lot. Like have I traded in spiritual awareness for some future material comfort (career, house, etc) and it's something I'm not particularly comfortable with. What's it profit a man to gain the whole world but lose his soul, etc. That kind of thing makes me want to give up the life I currently live and hit the road and be a wandering soul/sadhu again and in the more magical kind of vibe. But then like it rightly says there's magic everywhere and it's up to me to see that, and even in the last week by making a bit more of an effort to see that it happens.
The relationship stuff, too, was really good. So much of a direct echo of stuff I'd come to realise on my own - it's all there in my blog in about a hundred thousand words of recent writings; would never have expected you or anyone else to have read that! - and also stuff that I recently read but hadn't read before. Most definitely that line about: "You attract what you are, this you know and when you encounter someone who is energetically matched to you, you see yourself and reject the person who you are with." A tricky one, that, when trying to knuckle down and find a partner. But then maybe knuckling down and doing the traditional thing isn't what I need; more the Conversations With God philosophy that the purpose of a relationship is mutual growth and expression, and kids and companionship are a happy by-product of that. And long have I told myself that having a child would be the best way for me to learn love - what I guess I ultimately believe the purpose of life to be about - but I always fall short because of commitment issues and imagining the "perfect partner" around the corner. I guess when I talk about specifics that's what I was hoping for, 'cos there was a stage when that was really driving me mad. Like for a long time I was very hung up on Sophie, my Canadian ex, and in a lot of ways I still feel that "she was the one" but I just blew it with her. Like she's the only girl I ever really saw myself growing old with and imagined being pregnant - and being happy with that - and, man, I loved her so much. But the biggest part of me has come to accept that she's gone and that's that. And really it was only when I dig the iboga a couple of years back - did I mention that to you? - that it really hit home. Sometimes I lapse in that but the better part of me knows "she's gone." That leaves Laura, who I've been involved with all the way back to 2001, and the whole thing with Momma which is...
Well, I'm typing now and don't seem to be able to stop! Quite unusual cos I've been finding it very hard to write emails the last year or so but here it comes...
Well I don't know if you remember but after I came back to Yorkshire following my experiment in French heartbreak I called up Momma and, still full of confusion about Eve, Momma said, "she's not the one, another will be coming before the end of August, a soul-mate, beautiful inside and out, and this one'll be forever." And then I met a girl called Laura who said she felt like I was her soul-mate and also had a dream about Sophie that said she was my soul-mate. And destiny and my feelings and everything led me to Sophie and I was with her for four years and, like I say, felt she was the one. But here we are, all these years later, and still chief among my thoughts are being with someone and, man, though I know intellectually it's about taking a risk and nobody's gonna tell me who to pick and there are no assurances and, anyway, no one's perfect and it's about me being the right person rather than me being with the right person, wow, I find it hard. But a few months back Laura tells me about going to party and how some guy had said she was "beautiful inside and out" - Momma's words exactly - and it was just like the prophecy had come to fulfilment, all at the right time, and there it was: either do it or bail. And I bailed cos I felt the full force of my fear of commitment - which is really the fear of being trapped in an unhappy/wrong situation - and felt I'd rather die than have to go through with it and I've been dwelling on that ever since.
Stubbornness. Selfishness. You name it. Quite literally: you named it in your reading. And still I can't give in.
Why not? I'm just not sure I feel it with Laura. Or that I for some reason have this idea that I want to be with someone prettier. That's awful, I know, but I just don't find her attractive. Except, sometimes I do. And sometimes I tell myself that it doesn't matter anyway and that I'm just being foolish and shallow. And then sometimes I remember that after I first met Grace in that Santa Fe supermarket back in '99 how I got back in the car and flicked on the radio and the song that was playing was, "if you wanna be happy for the rest of your life/never make a pretty woman your wife" and it all kind of adds up. But then that's the way my brain works too: that I take all these 'signs' and 'coincidences' and whatever life situation I find myself in I create a story so that it all makes sense and comes across as 'predetermined', which is probably a little silly also. But, oh well.
The thing is, I think about Grace pretty much every day and it's messing me up. Fourteen years ago! But I can't commit because...well, what if she's the one and I'm meant to go looking for her or contact her or we bump into one another one day? Mental, I know, but I just can't let it go. And I guess that's another specific I was hoping for.
I don't know if you remember - man, I remember everything cos I tell these stories to myself over and over - but you did a reading for me not long after my second meeting with Grace (in a gas station) and you said, "this person has been very close to you over many lifetimes; what couldn't be achieved separately can be together" or something like that. I really felt she was like my soul-mate at the time. But that didn't turn into anything and I struggle to understand what it all meant. I'd love to know, to hear from her, to have some clarity on that. I have ideas - chiefly that it didn't really mean anything - but it doesn't stop me thinking about her, or keeping myself open, or feeling massive regret for being hung up on my plans and not going with her when I had the chance. I'd give anything to know the truth of that whole thing and move on from it, one way or the other.
I guess if I had you sat here and could ask anything that'd definitely be one of the questions. What the hell did it all mean? Did I miss out by not going with her? When I had that feeling of wanting to marry her was it a genuine feeling? And could I have done it/should I have done it or was there no way around the fear that stopped me? Or was it even fear? Was, perhaps, that line I felt come to me and fed her about "whatever happens twice will surely happen a third time" something of a truth?
Wow: so much confusion. And maybe it's all symptomatic of my reluctance to commit to someone rather than the cause of it but...
I told Laura not too long ago that one of the reasons I could never be with her was because I knew it wouldn't end, that I'd be in it "forever", and that maybe one of the reasons I was able to be with other people was that I knew with them it would end because something inside me knew they were "wrong" for me. So what am I? Just one of those guys/gals destined to choose over and over the wrong person based on faulty childhood imprints received from my parents? That's sort of annoying and sad - particularly as I get to the age when these things are starting to feel very much "last chance saloon."
Of course, everything I say is with a certain lightness and tongue-in-cheek. But you know what I mean.
Too many questions. Is Laura the one? Should I just go for it? Will it work out okay? But as they say, there's no one going to give me the answers to questions like that, and these are the questions probably thousands of men all over the world are asking themselves and their friends right now. I don't know why I'm not able to make progress in this, and why I'm so hung up on physical attraction. Maybe Grace's ruined me for all other women: certainly I still remember her face and seek it out in those I see every day, find reminders. Or maybe something else. Weirdly, Angelina Jolie's mastectomy hit me hard this week: it was a bit like, if one of the world's most beautiful and desired women can go beyond superficial ideas of her own body in such a dramatic way why can't I? Man, I do shake my head at that. I'd be pretty disappointed in myself if I could take anything seriously and didn't feel so good when typing to you!
What else was in your reading? "Leapfrogging one another" - yes, I've experienced that, and like how that works. Not sure I could have that with Laura. Always feels to me that I'm leading the way, that she's always looking to me for answers and guidance. Though with Nicky there was definitely a sense of that. Even with Perlilly. Also: "[The] rejection [of the other] indicative of an unwillingness to reach inside and face the fears and misgivings you have born of a troubled past and a misguided sense of self-worth." Man, that line really echoed a line in the Pathworks thing I read a while ago that totally resonated with and troubled me. Bang on. Absolutely true. And: ouch! Too much self-worth! How accurate, and accurately painful. But how to go beyond it? Wow: it'd take a real special chick to hang in there with me and stay by my side while I went through the process of truly realising that I'm not the dog's gold-plated bollocks! Man, I think I've always felt I'm better than everyone else, including my partners. How lame is that! How ridiculous! And, yeah, so obviously a cover-up for insecurities and feelings of inadequacy but...knowing that doesn't make it go away, doesn't stop me finding justifications wherever I look. I know being with someone would help bring that out of me - but I can't help but feel it really would have to be "the right person" - 'cos anyone else I'd just drive away before they even had the chance.
Nicky? We definitely had some mad karma going on together these last six months. But when I saw the me-in-her that I didn't like I rejected her too.
Not really any wonder that I want some outside answer on all of this: s'been a long ol' mind-fuck. And I just don't seem to be able to find the way out myself. But it sure is fun trying! Just a shame these bodies have to go grow old and die while we're doing it. Time is a-ticking! At least, that's my (current) belief. ;-)
Finally - for this is getting very long - "You have been given rare insight and experience and yet these fade into the background in favor of a more realistic outlook on life." Have I been given rare insight and experience? How rare? Am I "not normal" after all? Should I be doing something with that "insight"? For example, devoting my life to spiritual things instead of trying to make it work in the financial sense, etc? Am I squandering gifts? Keeping my lamp under a basket? I mean, God knows I'd love to be in that zone and do something useful with it - but I don't see no angels knocking on my door telling me to get down to some task, hear God directing me to cities to deliver some message, bestow any gifts like seems to happen with other people. Mostly it just seems like I'm a bloke alone trying to figure it all out. Likewise, "Do not fear making a wrong choice, ride the wave of life where it takes you." Thing is, the wave of life doesn't seem to be taking me anywhere, it just seems to be me having to make decisions - and they're generally decisions that come across as daft. ;-) Although...the wave of life definitely brought me back to Leeds (through the gift of a four grand university bursary) and probably into football refereeing too. I like that job. It pays for everything I need and it's pretty minimal. But was it just for the time? Is it done now? Or something to commit to for the next several years, see where it goes? And also my ideas about training to be a psychotherapist: is that the "wave of life" or is that me buying into future-old age-pension-mortgage-expensive wife and kids consciousness? I just don't know - 'cos when I hear things like "ride the wave of life" and "don't fear making a wrong choice" I think about jettisoning everything and going off on mad adventures to far-off sunny lands like Mexico or Greece and that scares me. I don't want to be looking back in twenty years thinking I just squandered my life through a fear of adult responsibility. But nor do I want to squander my spiritual life through a fear of doing the wrong thing - if that makes any sense...
Finally - really finally - I love the line, "Vanquish from your mind the ideal of the perfect partner because it is a false construct and not in line with your vibrational needs at this time." I love that I have "vibrational needs", it so much reminds me of times when I knew everything that flowed into my life was because of my vibration, and that as my vibration changed the things that flowed towards me changed, and changed dramatically. That in turn makes me question my constant looking to the past, especially with regard to a partner. Eve and Laura and Grace and Sophia - maybe they were all "in line with my vibrational needs" at the time but no longer are, and so looking back is futile and daft. We move on, we grow apart - and we're only in connection, and they're only in my mind, because of modern-day contraptions like email and facebook and the internet whereas in the not-too distant past - in my own lifetime - we'd never have kept in touch. I find that somewhat frustrating and annoying. But then I feel really glad that you and I have kept in touch, and that I can talk with you like this, and hear what you're up to, and also benefit from your channelling gift, which I of course wholeheartedly encourage you to let happen. It's definitely of use to others. And in my experience and opinion, a real rare and true gift. There are so many charlatans, fakers, mistaken and delusional people out there - but I really do believe that what comes through you is right on. It's weird and mad and I know neither of us understand it but - well, it's also real too, and it works. I'd go for it - but I understand why you have your reluctance, especially when you talk about information coming crowding into your head. I guess I never really had that but I know others that have and they decided they'd rather live without it, watch TV instead. I guess those like you and I just can't let these things go. Well, after all, we did once give our lives for the cause, lol! And anyways...
This really is very long now. I should have been in bed two hours ago but I just couldn't stop typing. Real strange for me too. But I'll trust that it's the right way to go. I know I've said a bunch and a bunch of that is questions - perhaps rhetorical but your insight always welcome, nonetheless. And if the angels want to wade in and get specific - well then I'd welcome that too! Particularly with regard to Grace and Laura and earning money/staying in one place/being a hobo instead (one reading you did said, "move through the world, settle it doesn't really matter" - the infuriating beauty of free will, lol!) Also writing I suppose - it's questions of women and marriage and writing and occupation and God that fills my brain pretty much all day every day, and doesn't ever seem to change. Talk about standstill! Talk about stuck record, lol! Maybe I should send you a photograph every day to get them angel-channelling juices a-flowin. ;-)
Ah, Shawn, I do apologise for all that: but you know how wild I am once the fingers get to going. Maybe one day we'll have a normal conversation; wouldn't that be fun?!
So: big love to you and yours. I'm glad you still like writing your thoughts to me and happy to be at least one divine-loving loon in the world that you can do that with. Always interesting to hear what you have to say.
Thanks for everything.
Lots of love,
Rory
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