I had thought there was more to say about the days immediately before and after moving house, but beyond talking about how busy I was I’m not sure what. Think I must have recorded everything that was necessary. Maybe some questions would be in order. Such as…
– Laura. Tell us about Laura. One minute you were wanting to whisk her off to Scotland and get wed. But then…
But then nothing much happened. I kept it inside, I guess. She came over once for pizza and I was all set to tell her stuff, even said I had a surprise for her. But then I bottled it. Didn’t want to get her hopes up. Didn’t want to start leading her down a path I perhaps wasn’t equipped to travel. Also, probably, postponing commitment and the adult life for as long as I possibly can. Also, uncertainty…
I did an I Ching about her and the chapter I got was “family”. This was right after that night she sort of (in my head) fulfilled Momma’s 2001 prophecy and I felt the full extent of my fear of being trapped. “Family” at first seemed encouraging and positive – no changing lines – but then when I read the smallprint I had to gulp: it talked about how one’s actions had to match one’s words, that one had to be sure. Couple that with Pathworks’ warnings about the intention, the belief, the fantasy sometimes/often exceeding the ability and I backed out. What if I wasn’t capable, despite my strength of conviction? In my mind I say I’m ready, I’ll do it, I can stick at this thing – but is it really in my locker, my armoury? Or is it merely an idea?
I couldn’t lead the poor girl on anymore. She’s felt hurt too many times through her relationship with me. She says we’ll just be friends and that seems like a sensible way to go. We spend nice time together and share platonic baths and beds – probably seems weird to some – and through that I guess the impulse to be with her has dwindled, the urge to merge done passed. I don’t know how you’d even tell if you wanted to be with someone. If you let go of lust and what you chiefly feel in their company is relaxation…well, it’s such a far cry from what I’ve been taught of what it feels like to desire another.
Montaigne says if there is such a thing as a good marriage it’s one that resembles friendship rather than love. Maybe he’s right. But all my life I’ve believed something completely different. Anyways…
– You had a dream last night. What was the dream?
I dreamed I was with Amma, in India I think. Like a private darshan really. She spoke to me in English, seemed to encourage me to be with someone, echoed words spoken in that latest angel channelling reading (that I’ll get to) and also some other things. She was going to leave it at that but I pressed her to tell me a name. As always happens in these situations it was made clear that the choice would have to be mine, that no one was going to tell me. So frustrating but I guess that’s the way it has to be. All Amma would say was, who’s your number one? I said, well, there’s Laura but then there’s also Julia – no, not Julia, Grace. I don’t have one number one, I have a few. Certainly Laura, yes, but also…
In the real world I think about Grace every day. Still plot to run off to find her. Still seek her face in the hundreds and thousands of women I zoom past on my bike. Still imagine some incredible synchronistic meeting either here or in Canada or some other country (India , Mexico , Greece ). Christ, I’d love to be free from those things, one way or the other! But I just don’t know if I ever will be, without actually tackling it head on…
I’m thinking of going on holiday. I saw some cheap flights to the Yucatan . Then I thought, yeah, but I’ve already been there. Then I saw a cheap flight to Thessaloniki and remembered my dream/vision of last year and that got me thinking…
Anyway. What I wanted to do originally was write the everything of everything – all the Nicky and house moving and new situation and further developments – to get it all out of my system – and then move on to the new thing, which was an angel channelling reading from a dear old friend of mine who readers of yore will know well. He hasn’t done them for years but such has been my inner-kerfuffle over relationship things I felt I needed his help. He was reluctant but also said he felt it would be right to do one when the time came. And eleven days ago the time came. I was so nervous I didn’t read it for a few days. Just wanted to be in the right space, the right place. That was why I wanted to write myself out, get to a point of blank canvas, have a clear mind. So I guess I did. And then I read it. And this is what it said:
“Good Light.
Dearest divine soul, you perceive a gulf between the connection that once was to a perceived lack you now find within yourself. This lack, this perceived emptiness has created a yearning in you, a desire for connection, for purpose. What must be understood is that it is only your perception which allows a distance from your connection, from the divine, from us. We have never left. The connection you feel has diminished has never retreated, in fact you are constantly being bathed in our light, in our energy, it is only the aperture of your mind which has contracted leaving you feeling as though life has darkened. This constriction of flow has created a need to reach out, to find comfort in any way that you consider possible in your current state of perception. Loneliness is a self made void that can never be filled by anything in the outer world. It is a vacuum which draws forth and is never satisfied. Ask yourself why it is that you feel disconnected. Target that which separates you from the ever present flow which constantly strives to flow through you. Your mind has been busy building reality in such a way that you may function in a world which is daunting to you. You perceive reality as something other than what it is. You long for the magic, the synchronicity, and your idea that the world is a place devoid of this is mistaken. Calm your mind, open yourself, you will find that this material world is made of the same substance as that which flowed through you for a time when you finally opened yourself up to it. Go forth into the world as a child, with wonder and see it pregnant with possibilities as you once did.
You have progressed on your own and have reached a standstill. There is a stubbornness within you. A refusal to surrender as a means of self-protection. A time has come in which to carry on with your journey with a new opportunity to diminish the selfishness within your nature. This selfishness is not unusual or to be labeled as a negative trait, this notion will only strengthen it. You are instinctively aware that the way in which you may be able to accomplish this is with another. To share a life, to share a love with someone. To grow together, leapfrogging each other on your path of experience. Your mind, your self-created idea of yourself is your biggest obstacle. You attract what you are, this you know and when you encounter someone who is energetically matched to you, you see yourself and reject the person who you are with. This rejection is indicative of an unwillingness to reach inside and face the fears and misgivings you have born of a troubled past and a misguided sense of self-worth. Dear one, you are a beacon of light hiding under an idea of yourself as a limited being. You have been given rare insight and experience and yet these fade into the background in favor of a more realistic outlook on life and your place in it. To say that you will attract what you are does not imply that you must become a better man, a more whole individual and then go forth to attract, you are at a place of standstill and require others to help you grow as you are in this moment. It is necessary to forgive yourself for your past and to forgive those things within you that you perceive as unworthy traits. This can be practiced and accomplished by doing the same in others with the understanding that the flaws and imperfections you see in others are only a reflection of that which you despise within yourself. You are a self-created being full of only light and love and the beauty of diversity, it is labels of good and bad which weigh like an anchor leaving you in stagnant waters. See in others this same beauty of diversity, learn to cherish it within them as well as yourself. Vanquish from your mind the ideal of the perfect partner because it is a false construct and not in line with your vibrational needs at this time. Do not fear making a wrong choice, ride the wave of life where it takes you, see the wonder and beauty in others, have a sense of humor about the labels which your mind persistently places on certain traits or ideals, only then can you allow yourself to surrender to another person and thus weaken the selfish tendencies and false ideals you have created. Through our eyes you are pure beauty and potential, a light which begs to stream forth into the world. Your mind-created ideals appear as murky shadows which lay over this light obscuring it. Stop worrying and thinking so much in regards to relationships and your own purpose, go forth and feel your way through each moment rather than ponder the moments to come. This must be done by you, for yourself. This is your own chosen journey and there is no benefit in being told what steps to take, you must feel your way through, you must walk away from the beach of the notion of this world of so-called reality and wade into the water of feeling and experience until you are ready to plunge into its depths. We are with you every moment, we are guiding you with the quietest of whispers, but the choices must be your own.”
Reading that my mind kind of stops. It makes perfect sense and yet it’s so hard to understand. I guess I beg to know what to do with it. What changes to make to my life. Where and how to live. Who to spend my time with. What kind of me to be. What to do for work and ‘reality’. All those things. I…
It kind of makes me want to weep. I guess I was hoping for clear, direct answers. A name of some woman to commit myself to. Clarity regarding those of old – Sophie and Julia and Grace. A voice I trust saying, no, not her, here’s why, this is the one you should go for, and why. But like already stated, and as stated in the reading, the choices must be my own. How frustrating! (he jokes). But could it be any other way?
I like the stuff about the divinity I once felt so strongly not really having left me, just that my perception has changed through the narrowing of my mind. No doubt true, that, and something to work on. To be open to the magic that’s around me here in Leeds . Those chance encounters and meetings that would be grasped and understood so joyously if in some sunny tropical climes when inhabiting an open, “traveller’s mind.” But everywhere’s the same, it’s just the mind that’s different. And I know those same encounters happen here, it’s just that I don’t see them so clearly because I’m too busy focussing on other things. Like the way when I was in the healing zone and I took every meeting with someone who mentioned an ailment as a divine set-up and always spoke to them of that gift. But here I somehow don’t see it and just take it as part of everyday language and quickly move on to Morrison’s and the need for half-price cheese. You know what I’m saying, right? Bring that traveller’s mind home to Leeds – for everywhere is but a city, someone’s hometown, a place where they shop and tread the same route day after day and go to work, but when we’re there it’s our minds that change…
Still. Those words about ‘reality’: “Your mind has been busy building reality in such a way that you may function in a world which is daunting to you.” Does this mean that I’ve been wrong in that? The way that my focus has shifted to thoughts of money and getting older and all the normal world things such as buying a house and how to survive and prosper materially and getting so caught up in thoughts of the distant future, of wives and kids and houses and pet animals that don’t even exist yet? Me in a suit rather than me in a loincloth? I dunno. Again I feel a bit like crying, like stopping this writing, like I don’t really understand ANYTHING. But know it’s all good.
To get back on that road? To follow the whims of my heart as I would have done fifteen years ago? To forsake Mother Meera’s encouragements to work and stay home and be normal?
I think of Laura and think of how it is with her. She’s got her spiritual interests but she’s very “real world.” I’m terrified of how that life would look. Television and shopping and getting nagged about not being productive enough. Worries about cars and wanting to go places and, not that she’s like that loads, but…well it seems a far cry from…
No, I’m getting lost in ideas of the future and some perfect imagined scenario and probably the fantasy figure of Grace, the ideal and flawlessly compatible other: the exact manner of thinking that this reading warns against.
I want to stop typing. I feel terrified by everything. Like a child who knows nothing. Like a mind desperate to run away.
I guess I’ll just dwell on it for a bit. And laugh at myself and be happy. Eat an egg sandwich and go referee some football and trust that the answers will come. All the while hoping that there’s someone in the world who understands where I’m at.
It’s all good. Everything is good. And exciting too. A universe of possibilities.
Wow.
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