I am still very sad but I don't expect you to comfort me. Things will work out in whatever way the universe wants I suppose, though not sure where we're supposed to intervene in all that.
I'm truly sorry for lying to you like that, it was totally unnecessary and pointless and out of character. I know how you probably feel, I felt it when I found out my ex was having 'live internet sex' and lied to my face about it repeatedly and I felt it when I first ever read your blog and found out this whole other side to your thoughts that made me feel foolish and ridiculous to be your girlfriend or to have ever thought you somehow thought of me as special. Not exactly the same or justifying it, but I know how it feels and makes me feel even more self-loathing for having dished some of that back out. Hurting someone you love has felt shitty beyond belief, I don't have many regrets yet in my small life but this is definitely one of them. I hope that one day you will realise that although I have proved myself capable of bad things that I am not bad and know I will use all my powers never to act in this way again.
Yesterday I felt even harder the full force of what I have lost in you and I cried all night. So I guess now you know that I've also been curled up on the floor full of snot and vulnerability and 'pointlessness' of everything over you, both last summer when it hurt most, and now this last week, as I realised that maybe this is actually it and you won't be in my life in this way again.
Last night I dreamt we were living in that flat we looked at overlooking Bedford Fields with the bathroom on the corridor. I was helping Joanna in the garden project and you were shouting at me from the window, stark naked and high as a kite! I was embarrassed by you but mostly everyone found it very funny! Weird dream.
Finally, and to end on a more positive note, I wanted to send you some pictures of how well our avocado plant is doing. Isn't it great? I feel very attached to it (a bad thing I suppose) but don't know what to do with it, not sure it'll like living in the yurt. Would you like to nurture it for a while?
With deep love and my most metta-filled blessings
nicky
x
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