John Terry is a weatherman

John Terry’s in the news again: him and Liverpool’s Luis Suarez have both been naughty by calling opposition players “black so-and-sos”. Specifically, Terry is alleged to have called Anton Ferdinand a “fucking black cunt.” Apparently, that’s racist. And racism is bad and can get you into trouble with the authorities, both footballing and criminal.

Now, I’m not saying John Terry isn’t a complete and utter wanker – in fact, I’d go so far as to say he’s a cock, he’s a cunt, he’s got a personality I wouldn’t shit on, and he’s a southern bastard, an English arsehole, and a dirty white piss-for-brains tosspot-licking scumball – hell, he may even be a racist – but I’m not sure that what he said was racist. I think there’s got to be a bit more to it than just referring to a particular word.

Let’s say, for instance, that you’re fat and I call you a fat bastard. Is that size-ist? Is it saying anything about which is better, fat or thin? What if I’m fat and you’re not and I call you a skinny little wanker? Or if I’m Nigerian and you’re from Glasgow and I call you a dumbfuck arsehole Jock? You see what I’m getting at: it’s not the adjective that’s the problem – black, fat, skinny, southern, Scottish, etc – it’s the insult that’s attached to it. The black bit is just the denominator – it’s the fucking cunt that makes it offensive.

In my opinion, it’s only natural to highlight what’s different in one another. When describing someone to someone else I’m liable to use words like big or ginger or old or Chinese because these are some of the ways I identify people. Sure, I still see them as human beings and equals and there’s no sense of white male supremacy in it – I hope – I just need some point of reference here. I tell you about Dave and you say, Dave who? and I might answer by saying, Canadian Dave or Cockney Dave or, you know, Dave with the wonky eye. But I’m not being derogatory to any of those Daves just ‘cos I happen to point out what makes them different.

Let’s say I call my friend Allen a stupid Jewish prick – is that anti-semitic? I wouldn’t say that ‘cos he’s not stupid, nor a prick, but where’s the anti-Jewishness in that? There’s not a part of me that’s saying Jews are inherently worse than non-Jews – just as there’s not a part of what John Terry allegedly said that intimates he believes blacks are worth less than non-blacks. That’s what it takes to be racist – the Ku Klux Klan are racist – Hitler was racist – and I think we can see the difference in the fruits of their actions – but John Terry? Like I say, a massive, philandering, adulterous, cock-headed knob he may be – but given that half his teammates are black I’d find it hard to convict him of racism based on one heat-of-the-moment outburst. I mean, even with forethought he’d probably struggle to say something intelligible – so just imagine the strain his poor wee brain was under when trying desperately to spit out an insult while overwhelmed with anger.

In a nutshell, it’s not the use of the word “black” that makes something derogatory, it’s the “fuckin’ cunt” that surrounds it. If he’d called him a “nice black footballer” would that have been racist? And if he’d called him a “dirty cocksucking arsehole-licking motherfucking shit-for-brains cunt” would that have made it more acceptable?

Yes, let’s ban John Terry from football, take away all his houses and money and cars, cut off his penis and leave him slobbering and crying in the street while mangy three-legged dogs cock their legs on him and ooze pus for him to eat – but let’s do it for the right reasons, people. The white English wanker.