Email to Adrian

Hi Adrian, I’m just writing letters to old spirit buddies and I was thinking of you and curious to know how things are going for you, especially after so many years practicing Vipassana. Brought you good things? Seen the light beyond the mind, as I once so nearly did and keep promising myself I’ll one day get back to? You know, when I did my first 10-day retreat I was convinced I’d found the path that’d lead me to the goal – and I sometimes wonder if I shouldn’t have stuck at it. I was hitchhiking at the time – of course – and I remember how my last ride there – a Christian or a Muslim; definitely not a Buddhist – had none the less been encouraging and left me with the words, you can lead a horse to water… I think of that now and wonder what it says about me. But I got too wild and too high and had to abandon it all for the path of playing football and grounding, lest I go totally out of my tree (I was pretty far gone). Now these days I’m mostly focussed on writing and trying to make something out of the book I wrote a few years back detailing my travels and adventures in Mexico between ’96 and 2000. It’s a good story – perhaps even a great one – but publishers haven’t yet bitten and I’ve had to put it out myself. Sold about 600 copies and get nice feedback from people who somehow come across it on Amazon – lovely email this morning from a woman in South Africa – and I guess it keeps the dream alive. But I always promise myself that I’ll one day get back into spirituality and I guess that’s what’s prompting my catch-up with spirit buddies past: I guess I want to see where their paths took them and try and gain some understanding of what it all meant anyways. Always seeking understanding.

I saw Paul again this year and he was all right, looking better than in years past when I’ve seen him. Was off chasing some new Indian fella, some new teachings – and then last I heard he was talking about an ashram in Essex to do with this healer guy who I’ve heard is either the real deal or a complete phoney. I dunno, it’s not really my cup of tea these days. Whatever promotes inner-harmony, that’s where I’m at. Vipassana seems to have stuck with me, at least to a shallow level – awareness of the breath and the gross levels of the body been pretty much moment-to-moment constant these past ten years – and I guess it was one of the best things I ever did. My girlfriend just completed her first course too, down at Dhamma Dipa, and is keeping up her daily meditations. But something stops me joining her: I guess I’m afraid of what I’ll find inside, or won’t be able to do it, or have bad feelings about where I let it take me in the past, getting all high and delusional and crackers. These days you’re much more likely to find me on the football field – playing, refereeing – and I know that’s been good for me, helped me find my Earth-legs again. Buddha dreams die hard though: I keep flirting with the idea of a course – almost did one in Canada last year – but never quite get around to it. Fear again. Painful memories. Not sure I’ll be able to do it, even though I know I will. What awaits inside? I suppose that’s the question. I guess I hold back from finding out.

Well! That was a lot more than I thought I’d write – and totally unexpected, content-wise. I do hope I hear from you and that all is treating you and the family well. I hear occasional things from Paul and he says it is.

All the best, as ever,

And with a smile to remember an evening with you and Jasper and Paul at your house playing Scrabble (I was so mad I lost! But I think kept it hidden: if not equanimity, at least the appearance of it ;-)

Yours,

Rory