Week One

So it's the end of my first week in Herne Bay: seven times twenty-four hours I've managed so far. Mostly the last few days haven't been too bad and I've perhaps felt less of an out-of-place outsider, even I have still thought lots about running away (to Yorkshire, or Mexico, or Guatemala). Still not sure about being here but I've certain commitments for the next few weeks at least and I might as well give it a shot. Plus decent things are happening writing-wise, with connections and such, which I don't think I'd find elsewhere. So we'll give it a try. Who knows? Maybe the negative will die down and I'll stop being so restless. Only real problem is I've lost all capacity so 'give things time'. Other people manage it though - what is about me that makes me want to leave a place just 'cos of one bad day? Or even a few bad hours?

Good things this week: the meeting with my old creative writing tutor (she still has one of my poems on her filing cabinet, five years later; it's the only one on there); some good connections she gave me; a couple of games of squash; a couple of games of football; some clarity, perhaps, about what I want to do (ie, trying things I thought I wanted to do, and finding out that I don't); some semi-flirty emails with this Canadian girl I sort of fancy (although it's all utterly ridiculous); my car not exploding, and most likely being sold; the dying down of these want-away feelings; a phone call that may mean a free flight to Guatemala or Mexico some time in May; an opening to try and flog my book down at the farmers' market in Canterbury; the prospect of more football and squash.

And bad? The house not really turning out as I'd hoped it would (my lovely friends talk about things that don't interest me and eat lots of meat and smoke a little bit and it sort of puts me on the outside - plus it's a cold and uncomfortable wreck and I don't really have my own room, even though I'm supposed to have); the noise of children and my inability to feel any interest or affection for them whatsoever; the desire to not be around people and be quite reclusive, actually, while not really having the opportunity; the cold and the grey and the wind and the rain; Herne Bay, which is a bit like Elmsall-by-the-Sea, except without the northern charm; lots and lots and lots of want-away feelings, which is at once tiresome but also, in some ways, refreshing - because I'm not trapped here and it means if I do leave I'll know that I don't want to be here, experientially; having to sign on and think about finding a job and the mental stress that causes, 'cos I feel totally unable to do that and the whole thing seems really alien to me, and makes me feel like a weirdo and unqualified and a bit of a failure; as usual, too much computer-time and not enough writing/progress with writing projects.

So, all in all, not a bad week.

Cheers!

Rory