Hi Perlilly, I was thinking it was probably about time I sent you some heavy heavy sort of email/message type of thing, so here it is - though I'm not sure exactly what I'm going to say but, well, it's obvious I need to say something...
Well basically I guess it comes down to me wanting to know where I stand - and to wanting to find some clarity with the situation we've found ourselves in: ie, one minute we're getting on great, having great, mutually beneficial sex, having a laugh, and then suddenly we're like strangers, not even touching, and everything's gone. It's so totally, totally weird for me that I really haven't got a clue as to what to do with it. And it's making me really sad.
I'm confused as to what you want. At first it was a case of, "I'm on the rebound, let's just have fun" sort of thing, and I was down with that. Obviously we got closer, but I wasn't sure things really changed - but then when we talked about you going back to Oxford and how it would end then - and you were like, "a month's pause" - and me going away in January - "go away in December instead" - it seemed like things had changed for you - in that suddenly I wasn't this guy who you were just having a few weeks' sex with, but something more than that (though I'm sure you'd be loathed to admit it :-) And now things have changed again. To be honest, I had no idea where I stood before Friday; now I'm ten times more unsure.
I feel really down about this; I guess I was getting to like you. I guess I feel stupid for getting involved with and caring about someone that doesn't really care about me - even though I knew that from the start. I guess that's my lesson to learn...
Mostly it comes down to being frustrated; it seems like there's nothing I can do because all the power's with you. I don't think I have the capacity to just stop what we had and go back to being purely and simply friends. Maybe you do, but I don't, not immediately, it's just not that easy for me. And that's not to say I don't want to talk to you, hang out on occasion, have a laugh, listen to your ups and downs, etcetera but...I guess I just need some kind of clarity, to understand what's going on. I still don't understand why the conversation was such a big deal - and why you said things about how that sort of thing mattered for "the future" when I thought I was just some guy you wanted to be with for a few weeks.
I hope you understand all this; I don't feel like I'm doing a very good job of expressing myself. I was hoping typing this would make me feel better - but I don't, I feel worse! lol (Now I feel better).
This is just so fucking frustrating for me because - you meet a girl that you like and dig and have a good time with and then - poof! - it's gone, all of a sudden, for nothing, and there's nothing I can do about it. Voila. There. That's it.
You wanted sex - but not sex with a "religious freak" and so you decided to end it. Fair play; that's your prerogative. But please just tell me that instead of leaving me in limbo, not knowing what's going on, dangling.
A week ago I was telling people how awesome you were, smiling broadly whenever I thought of you - even in front of my ex. Now I'm just confused and down. Oh well. Typical old man losing his head to a beautiful young girl. :-) Not exactly the first time that kind of thing's happened, is it?
Okay, I feel a bit better now, expression probably suitably complete (the last three paragraphs were more just me typing free, less thought out than the first; hope they come across right to you) - only question is, will I send this to you or not?
Answer: yes.
I hope you're having a good day and this doesn't catch you at the wrong moment and mess with your head while you're trying to work and stuff.
Hugs and love,
Rory
x
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