Positive

Feeling better today. Really rather good actually. Might be something to do with the Paul McKenna stuff – just completed Day 2’s exercises – or maybe because I seem to have made some headway in booting Nicky out of my life. Yesterday I guess I was having lots of negative thoughts about her – coming to believe that she’d treated me pretty badly, was never really committed to me, had been toying with me and using me these last few months – and I guess that helps. Plus today I asked her not to text me anymore, and that had instantaneous benefits. Despite wishing I was free from her I haven’t been able to stop wanting to hear from her. And text message is the worst thing for that. The phone must be checked regularly. At any moment a message could arrive. And when it does, there’s the question of what it really means, whether it says enough, whether to reply back and how fast and what to say. Or if a message doesn’t arrive, the heartache of that. The phone by the bedside unbeeping. Checking it and wondering. The explicit absence of communication. Now I’ve put a block on that – both by request and technologically – I feel myself freed. I haven’t closed the door completely – I’ve said calls are fine – but shutting down that text avenue seems to have done me the world of good. Such a lame and impersonal way to contact someone anyway. Roll on the day when I commit once more to being in a place for a decent length of time and get myself a landline, vastly more expensive though they are.

Still, despite saying I feel better today I did wake up before 4 a.m. and not really go back to sleep. Awoke with a voice in my head asking me if I’d “joined the Green Party yet?” That was interesting: just last week I’d been thinking about maybe getting involved in politics and got into looking at the Lib Dems after one of their magazines came through the mailbox for the previous tenant. I had thought about doing something maybe a year or so ago but knocked it on the head. Couldn’t find a party that believed in total disarmament and a cessation in weapons manufacture, which is definitely something I would like to see happen. I guess it’s hard to be an idealist. Though worked pretty well for Hitler (in a way). And much as the Greens are probably best suited to me…well, if I was going to get into it I’d sure like to be with someone who had a chance of changing something/winning – but then maybe that’s just my shortsighted, cynical thinking talking there. Maybe there’s more to it than that.

Also related to this, I accidentally watched most of Avatar this afternoon. I was just looking for a movie to lead me into a nap and was actually going to delete it after not enjoying it last time out but thought I’d have one last click. Interestingly enough, it had the same powerful effect on me it had the first time: tears and frustration at the mess we’ve made of the planet and the destruction that goes on in the name of materialism and chasing the dollar. It’s such a fucked up thing we’ve done to nature and we just keep on doing it: last week I did a pretty rare thing and picked up one of the serious newspapers and in amongst all the horrible stories of what individuals are doing to each other there was a brief snippet about how Ecuador had kind of sold a massive chunk of the Amazon to China for the purpose of oil extraction. Meanwhile the indigenous people who live there are up in arms. It feels awful to contemplate all that potential destruction – such stupidity on such a grand scale – and doubly awful for how helpless I feel in the face of it. What is there to do but get upset and angry or turn away and pretend it doesn’t exist? Either way, the result appears the same.

I’ve probably written certain things in recent years about the environment and starvation, etc that isn’t quite in alignment with that feeling. I’ve had my head turned around by various ideas and tried to rationalise the whole thing as being okay – you know: feeding the starving masses a bad idea because that just makes the masses bigger; not worrying about burning oil because that just brings the solutions more quickly; all death and suffering just an illusion anyway and all meant to be – but what I’m thinking now is that maybe that’s just a symptom of a closed and overwhelmed heart, much as in the way I’d rationalised away love and writing and a whole bunch of other things I feel passionate about. Reading that Ecuadorian-Chinese Amazon story made me want to weep. And I remember reading about some famine in Africa once and feeling so moved I wanted to fly out there and starve along with them, in front of the cameras, to try and force something to be done. All that food going to waste, all that suffering. There’s something really wrong with this picture. Something so wrong, in fact, I just can’t take it. But now my heart has opened up again – thanks to recent events – I’m letting this stuff in once more and feeling the real me. And even though my intellect may try and weave a story around that – well it’s as though something’s happened there too, now that I’ve seen beneath the fear that was driving the intellect in the first place.

And who knows? Maybe it’s a whole other fear beneath all the emotion of heartache and frustration with the madness of the world too. The fear of my own death? The fear of the burden of humanity? The fear of having to do something? But what could I possibly do? Honestly, if only God would tell me – lucky old Jesus – I swear I’d give it a crack.

Watching Avatar made me want to do something truly good for the world. ‘Cept the world’s a big place and when I’ve contemplated saving it before it just doesn’t compute. Man, globalisation has really made Messiahhood a tough job. Which of course reminds me of an awesome quote I read yesterday:

“For peace of mind, resign as general manager of the universe”

I dug that sincerely. Made me laugh and cry and hit me in my heart like I don’t remember any words of wisdom doing for a long time. Resonated so much with what I’ve been going through lately – this drive to get everything right and be perfect and really do something awesome – and it made me think perhaps just being simple and having naps and not stressing that every second of every day should be put to some good use would be okay. Of course, that’s the way to madness. But that’s what I’ve been doing, spurred on by the (perhaps misguided) thought that I’d wasted too much time and don’t have that much left. I can feel that drive relaxing a little now…

So what did I do yesterday? Well, I thought much of Laura and how probably she is the one and was the one all along and now the time has come – the time hadn’t come before – to “either try it or deny it.” I was thinking maybe we should just get down to it and get married. Run away to Gretna Green. Get on with making a baby and kickstart the next section of our lives after maybe twelve years of going round in circles. Not that I’ve mentioned any of that to her yet. No doubt I’ll postpone it as long as I can. And probably ought to wait until I’ve at least heard what Nicky has to say now that she’s back from Ireland. I don’t know what I’d do if she said she wanted to give us a try. The emotions and longings I felt were intense. But all I want today is to “wash that girl right out of my hair.”

Mostly I dedicated yesterday to job hunting. I applied for several local jobs that would at least provide me with some income and get me out of the house and using my time perhaps more productively. I’m not sure if I’m that bothered about any of them – writing and refereeing and being someone’s partner may just be the perfect work/life balance for me – but as Mother Meera says, “It’s good to work. Apply for everything and take what comes.” I shall do my best.

I also thought more about what I’d like to do as a serious career – although the idea and the drive behind it is beginning to either wane or settle or disappear just a little. Maybe it was panic that pushed me into that. The fear of old age and not having money. Except I do have money and always have had money and no doubt always will. And I’m not old and, anyway, even if I was who’s to say I’d be any happier for earning a big crust and being able to call the bricks that surround me my own? But still I’ll do my duty. And so I looked into psychotherapy and child psychology and counselling and also relationship counselling – kind of intrigued by that one – and let a few seeds get planted there. It’s all pretty overwhelming and making a choice right now seems impossible – but no doubt the answer to all this will appear at the right time. I’m quite intrigued by that notion I had upon wakening yesterday about doing something that has been positive for me – or, perhaps, would be (“you teach what you need to learn”). I do enjoy these out-of-the-blue awakening thoughts and feelings.

Another thing I’m enjoying is the area I now live in. I didn’t think I would but I’m really starting to get a liking for it. It’s kind of ethnic – mostly Muslim – and I dig that; it makes for a more interesting street life and shopping experience. My new house backs onto a park and young guys play cricket there. I enjoy watching them and will probably get up the guts to ask to join in some time soon. There’s a lot more on my doorstep and so little errands are fun to go walking on rather than the repetitive bike through studentland I would always do from my old place. I can’t say I miss the students and, really, I’m kind of glad to be away from them. I thought I liked their youthful zest but for the most part it was pretty annoying. The people round here seem more real. It’s a bit more urban but reality’s nice.

The final thing I did during my online session yesterday – apart from some good little conversations with friends seeking advice (me seeking their advice) – was try and get back into pursuing the writing dream. I wrote to about fifteen agents in Americaproposing my book. And I also wrote a couple of UK agents who had previously expressed an interest in me and said to them, “hey, this has never occurred to me before but I was thinking: rather than me sitting here trying to come up with an idea that may or may not sell, how about you just tell me what you’re looking for and I’ll go away and write it? I mean, I know I can write something good, it’s more subject and genre that eludes me.” Or words to that effect. Seemed like a kind of common sense approach – though probably pretty dumb in reality.

Still, did make me think that perhaps sitting down sometime once all the current dust has settled and trying to come up with a REALLY GOOD IDEA would be beneficial. So I haven’t quite given up on the writing dream just yet. No doubt The Universe can inspire me if there’s something to come of it: there are an infinite number of ideas floating around and SOMEBODY UP THERE knows which one’ll be a success. But I guess I feel like I need to get my homelife in order first. One thing about Nicky is, geographically, she’s as restless as I ever was and the idea of being with her was really screwing with all contemplation of my future. Thing is, I kind of like Yorkshire and am glad to be home. I just need something to come back to of an evening, a bed that doesn’t feel like a beartrap or a coffin. There’s not much about moving that appeals to me right now. Which is another big tick in Laura’s column. Maybe time for a Charles Darwin-esque list of “pros and cons of marriage” – and then just doing it anyway. Seems it worked okay for him.

Nearly a month since I wrote anything on the sequel; that’s what emotional turmoil and moving and mental anguish and strain’ll do to you. I was happy when I was writing that. I’d love to get back to it. Although, interestingly, it’s at just about the same length as ‘Man Woman Sex Love’ was when I quit writing that: twenty thousand words. Twenty thousand words is about a quarter of a book. And when I met my mum the other week she told me she’d found a whole load of novels she’d written when I was a kid, said they were pretty good too. But she said she never got beyond a quarter done, would just write and write till it was out of her and then move on to the next one.

Genetic trait? Inherited karma to be improved on? Or an unconquerable non-completist failing that I’m destined and doomed to repeat?

She said she threw them all away. But kept some poems. Read me one or two and they were really good. Larkin-esque. Much better than my own. One was about seeing her world through my eyes when I was real young: lines about how funny it was when the washing machine leaked or the rent man got angry or there were rats in the house. The impoverished life meaning one thing to the giggling giddy child and quite another to the adult struggling and straining to hold it all together. It’s good to learn about your parents and see them as fellow human beings and friends rather than these perfect souls who are supposed to have all the answers but can therefore only ever disappoint. I’ve come a long way in my feelings towards her of late. I’m really rather grateful for that.