R: well-ish
A: ish? itchy feet?
R: nah
kind of over that
just been a bit of a hard time since I saw you last
A: aww :-(
let me guess, flat move + girl stuff?
R: mainly girl stuff
flat move didn't help but turned out ok
in a cheaper and warmer place!
:-)
A: ex or the newer girls?
R: the ex
A: oh thats good, less squat like?
R: no newer girls!
ay, proper house
heating and stuff
bath tub
:-)
A: why is it bad? because of her new guy?
or you guys getting back togather?
or you dont' know whats happening? that kind of stuff?
R: ay
all of the above
A: oh boy
well i hope you are ok
ooh i see your blog has gone private? is that related?
R: a bit
it's moved actually
i need to pseudonymise
A: ha indeed you do
R: that should tell you everything
if you've got about eight hundred hours to read it
;-)
A: ha, well i think you've already told me in a nutshell
and i've read enough similar scenarios in old blogs of yours
you commitment phobe you
you didn't love her but you don't like the thought of her moving on to someone else eh?
thats making you think oh maybe actually you should be with her, yes?
R: Well it felt more like I realised how we'd lost our love through a series of mistakes and that her moving on got me to see those mistakes.
That the love got hidden beneath fear.
And that once I went beyond the fear it came back
With a vengeance!
;-)
But maybe it was all wrong
Just that we then spent like a month sharing everything and got super close
Oh well
A: hmmm
don't know what to advise
guess i can't cos don't know what you are really feeling
just be careful
that is all.
R: Careful how? In not killing myself or being too self-destructive or getting someone pregnant? ;-)
I shall do my best! :-)
A: all of the above
mainly hurting yourself or that poor girl
R: that poor girl?
I been thinking actually she's proper screwed me over
been toying with me
keeping me dangling
doing some really fucked up things
A: excuse me?! you dumped her!!!!
R: no!
she dumped me
she moved out
just like *that*
clicks fingers
A: oh yea cos you said you didn't love her?
R: I said I didn't know
But you know why I didn't know if I loved her or not?
A: i'd have done the same
R: Because she kept herself hidden
A: cos your an ejit
R: wouldn't share things
A: whatever
R: was all superficial
pretending everything was all right when she had tons going on inside
she knows it's a problem
knows now anyway
she's a ton of depth but would never share it
so how was I supposed to love her when she wouldn't even talk to me?
It was like she wasn't there
not the real her
and I started to think she was boring
and went off her
that's all she showed me
Of course, I fucked up as well
A: and now she’s told you everything?
who's this other bloke?
R: Some guy she met in Ireland
who knows?
maybe something and maybe nothing
I don't think she was ever committed to me
or anything probably
she's like that part of me that just flits around
moves place to place
getting mad ideas
changing her mind
I'm not sure I want to be like that anymore
having experienced it from the other side
She was always complaining about our lack of togetherness
And then came home one day with a book she'd bought about cycling down the Rockies in America
said she was going to do that in the summer
no consultation
no discussion
just - that's what I'm doing
she blamed me for our lack of togetherness but that's the kind of thing she did quite often
so much of life is projection, dearest
A: sounds like the kind of thing you would do
R: "the plank in your own eye"
of course
A: you sound as confused as each other
R: "you attract what you are"
A: maybe you are perfect for each other!
R: "the world is a mirror"
A: ha
R: but the thing is...when you see yourself in the mirror of another and you don't like it...that's the sign to change it
I didn't like it
I saw that's what I did
I don't want it anymore
She was never really with me
A: so how u changing
R: And vice versa, I guess
I've been a fool to continue to pursue her
Lost my heart and lost my mind
Maybe she has been toying with me
Taking my love and attention and affection and sex
I guess that feels nice for her
But I've been a fool to give it to someone who's treated me so badly
Just using me really
It sucks
A: yip happens to the best of us
R: that's consolation
;-)
A: sorry, you're speaking the wrong person if you are looking for sympathy, been mucked around too many times meself
fed up with people in their 30s and their 'issues'
mucking up other people
R: do you feel I've mucked you up?
A: no
but i've read your blog enough to know you ain't perfect
and the number of times you mentioned exs etc while you were with her
sounds like you don’t know what you want, i don't think you can blame that solely on her being closed
R: I know. It's always a two-way street. I don't believe in being a victim. I take responsibility.
I know the thinking back to others is messed up.
I wish I didn't do it.
And maybe the blogging not wise either
Got some work to do in my head
It's all symptoms of a fear of commitment I guess
I need to get back to some good old fashioned morality
Christian values!
:-)
I'm much more clear about what I want know I suppose.
Proper commitment.
A: i'll believe it when i see it!!
they do say 37 is the age guys want to start settling down
R: really?
A: yip
heard that loads of times
R: You know, even though I have all my regrets and remorse and think I've wasted so much time
There is a sense that it's all kind of coming at the right time too.
That I needed to go through what I've been through
Learn what I've learned
I've never felt more ready
Never felt more able
Believe it or not, I feel more confident in my abilities to make a good relationship
To have a family
A: heard the babies word once before in your blog
that changed a few months later
R: yeah
cos I got afraid
I wrote about that recently too
A: certainly wouldn't advise bringing kids into the world until you are in a 100% committed relationship
i teach fucked up kids on a daily basis, i'd say 80% related to parental relationship breakdowns
fucks me right off when people have kids when they are not properly together
R: I know
I know all about that
conceived on a one night stand
mum sixteen at the time
stepdad unfaithful
them violent and divorced at six
welfare mum
all that jazz
it's why I've never committed
never wanted to recreate that situation
A: surely commitment is the opposite to that?
R: I guess I mean I just wanted to be sure
Also that my own upbringing would have put a real fear into me
Or, probably more likely, resulted in commitment being more of an "abstract concept" having never actually seen it in the world
Just having seen the opposite
A: fair enough
i can't comment on that
R: listen, I gotta go
I'm in the world's worst library
Thanks for listening
A: oh dear
R: xxx
A: xxx
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