I feel slightly annoyed with myself; that’s more or less the first sentence. I feel annoyed because after the big massive write on Sunday morning, and then the football and squash, and having taken everything as far as I thought it could go with the ex – with sharing and crying and saying all those unsaid things – I felt clear and free and stood happily blinking in amazement with my racket in hand rejoicing at how fresh I felt. The calm after the storm, it seemed. The emergence into the bright shining dawn after the dark cavernous night. But then I re-read my words – a need to correct errors before I post online, not merely the pure joy of expression – and it brings some of it back to mind. Things aren’t quite over. There’s a little more to say…
And, of course, we’d gone to the movie – and what with my determination not to get into emotional stuff and Nicky’s natural reticence to enter a place where things might go topsy-turvy, we pretended to be just friends and maybe both hoped that that’s the way it would be.
But what of my proposal/suggestion to her? Could we really leave that hanging in the air. At the time she’d given me that answer of wanting to be alone and said she would think about it. Then she’d admitted to having met someone she was interested in. Plus, I was having second thoughts, unsure of my true feelings about her. So where did that leave things?
I sent that text I mentioned yesterday, saying that I accepted her answer and just wanted her to be happy. That knowing the truth behind it made it easier to accept. A few hours later, she replied:
– Rory, the reasons that I gave are true, I suppose I left out the part about [text missing] although I have had very strong feelings for you and will always love you, I just am not sure that being together would ultimately be good and I’m scared to go back. I really want you to be happy and I hope that we will always be in each other’s lives in some way as I think you are wonderful in so many ways. Writing this makes me want to cry so I’ll stop now…much love xxx
Me:
– There’s nothing wrong with crying my dear – though I understand there’s a time and a place for it and you’re probably at work. What I mean is I didn’t believe you about wanting to be alone. Who does? You’re a young and beautiful woman who loves love and I’m sure would like someone to be with. That was just the kind way of saying it wasn’t me. But it’s okay, I understand. I’m sad again too, since writing that text. Hope you make it through the day okay. And thanks so much for getting back to me. I was afraid you were in hiding. There’s nothing you have to face on your own, never did. Love you. xxx
Her:
– I love you xxx
And that made me leap in my loins and in my heart, feel a delicious warmth ooze through me, and want to write back, “I love YOU” – which I did.
Connection restored. Warm fuzzy feelings. But what the hell to do with it?
I went about my day. I was pissed off that I’d lost my clear and calm again but, oh well, maybe the rollercoaster of processing wasn’t finished yet. ‘Cept what of The Rolling Stones and their promise of “The Last Time”? What of the I Ching and everything I kept telling myself? Or had I fucked it up once more and brought the whole thing back to life because of a refusal to let go?
The I Ching had counselled a “cautious halt half-way” – and suddenly that’s where my own thinking led me too. How many times have I told myself that when faced with only two possible choices – in this case, forget the whole thing and move on or go for it in a really serious and committed way – there’s always a third way hiding there somewhere and that’s generally the one to go for. Now it became clear: the solution to her wanting nothing and my recent but ever-wavering desire for something committed: an arbiter. A third-party. A relationship counsellor, just as I’d always said I should have done with Sophie. Fuck! When will we learn from these mistakes and regrets of ours? And when will these resolutions to be better in the future finally solidify themselves into our actual ways of being? It was right there all along – my own experiences, the I Ching’s very words – but once again I’d missed it and gone for something foolish and haphazard. Like the massive tool I so frequently am.
I sent her another message. I said, “Listen, I know what I said on Friday was a bit full on and probably freaked you out – and in any case, I accept your answer – but I’ve just been thinking there’s always a third and usually better way. In this case, I imagine some third party help. Probably something we should’ve done already. Or maybe just a reminder for next time. But, anyway, I just wanted to say that, should you ever come to think of me in that way again. And I hate the thought of you feeling pressured. I want to take that off. I’m still your friend. xxx”
Pressure is not good for a girl, I know how they react. They feel squeezed and run right in the opposite direction, say things that maybe aren’t true. At least, that’s been my experience.
I’m such an idiot for not seeing – and utilising – the smart way all along. But, like I always say, you live and learn. The only question is how many goddamn times do I need to keep learning the same thing before I finally get it?
Regrets: I’ve talked about them a lot of late and Lord knows if you’ve been paying attention you’ll know that most of them are about women. Usually that’s manifest as some kind of desire to return to the past and correct those mistakes, in whatever jumbled form that might take. Writing long letters to past loves. Building plans to sneak into countries to track down fleeting romances. Mainly just having fantasies in my head and re-writing it and keeping the whole thing alive. Like maybe one day they’ll come knocking on my door – in the rain, natch – having learned everything I’ve learned and realising that they don’t want to spend another day apart either. They want to turn the clock back too, and from now on everything will be perfect. But as I was saying yesterday, I’m slowly starting to realise that this clock of ours runs in one direction only, and all this talk of regret is really and absolutely – probably, at least; I’m not going to be one hundred percent cured just like that – a sign of how to make things better in the present and in the future.
My topmost relationship regrets:
Girl | Regret | Reason | Lesson learned |
Grace | That I didn’t get into her car the second time we met. | That I was afraid because the thoughts in my head were of wanting to marry her. | To talk to the person, no matter what you’re thinking. To tell them, even if you think the thoughts are mad or you’re feeling afraid. To not try and figure it all out on your own. To not make decisions based on fear. |
Sophie | That when we broke up we didn’t make more of an effort to communicate and/or get some counselling. | The idea of counselling didn’t really occur to me. I was thinking about another girl and kind of wanted out anyway. I didn’t recognise how precious she was to me because I wasn’t in touch with my feelings. Too tired from the stresses of work. I let her go because she wanted to go and I tried to accept that. | When things are so bad you want to break up, don’t do it unless you’re sure everything’s been said. Utilise outside help. Pay for it if you have to. At least give it a shot. And don’t let someone go because of weird ideas like, “if you love them, set them free” and pseudo-spiritual notions about non-attachment and acceptance. Fight for them. Put your goddamn heart on the line for them. |
Sophie | That when we went to | I’d already met Perlilly and was wanting to be true to her. Sophie and I were sharing a bed and I knew that if I held her and told her my heart we would make love and I would want to be with her again. And I wanted her to come to me, not the other way around me. I wanted to feel wanted by her. If she’d given me that, she could have had me. | Maybe my feelings of wanting to be wanted were unfair – especially as I was being so closed off. Perhaps it would have been better if we’d slept together and I’d told her my heart. We didn’t talk enough. |
Sophie | That we didn’t get married. | I always had one foot out the door. Suffered from commitment issues. Didn’t know how special she was. | To not throw the next truly special relationship away because of imagining something better. |
Laura | That I hurt her by sleeping with her and then repeatedly going off with someone else just as we were getting close to making it something real. | I liked having sex with her and I liked her company too. But never felt enough to take it any further. Or perhaps felt too much, somewhere knowing that if we made it real it would probably be forever. | Not sure if I’ve learned anything from that one yet. Don’t sleep with your friends? Don’t sleep with people who want more than you do and aren’t emotionally-able to not be devastated when it ends? |
Julia | That I didn’t kiss her or ask her out when I was fourteen. | I didn’t know how to broach the subject. I was inhibited and afraid. I wasn’t brave enough to risk rejection. | Don’t be afraid. Even if you are unable to do something, or it’s not practical, at least you can talk about it. There’s very little you can’t share with someone who cares about you. |
Julia | That I didn’t kiss her or become her boyfriend when I was sixteen. | I was afraid to hurt my girlfriend at the time. I was afraid of the mess that would make. I was afraid of what being with Julia would mean. | Don’t be afraid. Don’t give in to fear. Follow your heart. Try and do your best by others – but ultimately do your best by your true self. |
Nicky | Not going to | I was being tight with money. I was saying no for stupid reasons. I was trying to keep us safe. | Don’t be tight. Don’t say no. Do what your woman wants – she’s generally right. Live life expansively, like a bird, rather than shrinking it into the shell of the snail that dwells in slime and gets eaten by the bird anyway. |
Nicky | When we left Mother Meera’s castle not taking the lift we were offered but instead walking through the woods. | I wanted to be alone with her. I didn’t want to wait for the ride. Even though a little voice told me that’s what we should do. | I have no idea. I don’t even know if it would have made a difference. But I would love to know how the life of the me that did take that ride turned out. |
Nicky | That we didn’t say all the unsaid things until it was probably too late. | I wasn’t aware of my feelings until after she’d slept with someone else. I didn’t know that I’d lost her. I thought I was okay. | To say everything. To try really, really hard to know what’s going on inside me. To not fall into the trap of thinking that I’m above human emotions. |
Nicky | That I wouldn’t say “I love you” and instead went on philosophical ramblings about what love actually was. | I didn’t know what love was. I’ve got problems. I was scared of the power of love and I hid that fear under powerful intellectual justifications that she let me get away with because she’s too nice. | To just say it, it’s a no-brainer. To not get so detached from one’s feelings. To remember the power of my current emotions and to know that they’re in there, deep down, even if I don’t always feel it. To make the effort to keeping love alive. And to maybe not get with someone who’s “too nice” but instead someone who won’t let me get away with my bullshit and can help bring me back to my true self. |
Nicky | That I did the same with kissing and babies and sex. | I was afraid of my feelings and of commitment. Probably I was subconsciously trying to push her away. And she tolerated it. | Don’t be an asshole spouting off about theories that dissect and destroy the things you want the most. Find a girlfriend who’ll call you on it. |
Nicky | That we were always so calm and didn’t want each other enough. | We were two free-spirited and fairly together individuals who always knew we would survive on our own. We were unconsciously trying to live high-minded spiritual ideas and not give in to anger and pettiness. | Don’t try to be so above it all. Don’t think that just because you can survive and be okay on your own it’s what you want. There’s more to life than being surviving and being okay. Relationships and family are rich and full of feeling. Life without that often feels empty, much as you love the peace and simplicity of it. Don’t try to be calm when maybe a dumb stupid argument is what’s required. |
Various | That I got into wrong relationships without really getting to know the person. | I fell in love. We had sex. I liked the sex and wanted more of it. I ignored any problems by thinking it wouldn’t matter. | Get to know the person a little more. Don’t ignore the problems. Maybe try not to have sex so soon. |
Various | That I tend to focus on the negative and what’s lacking rather than the good that’s there. | I’m an inherently critical person and perfectionist. I’m probably fundamentally flawed. | Don’t criticise your belovéd other in a way that may cause lasting damage. Try your hardest to focus on the good things and if you must express something of the bad, do it as wisely as possible. Get help. |
Various | That I suddenly become unadventurous and somewhat limited, which is in stark contrast to what probably attracted them to me in the first place | I prefer my adventures when I’m alone or with guys. I get a bit controlling and saying no to stuff is one way that this manifests. I’m a man of extremes, and so when I’m adventuring the adventures are grand, and when I’m homebodying I’m pretty much content doing very little except snuggling. | Say yes to everything. Make more effort. Try and bring your partner into your world of adventures and just maybe you’ll find that it works out fine. Just because you’ve always done it alone doesn’t mean you’ll always have to. Learn how to be less of an extremist. Instead of wanting only grand adventures or nothing, why not small adventures? Ie, holidays, just like everybody else does? |
Various | I’ve been tight with money and it’s caused problems in the past. | I grew up poor. I rarely have a steady, decent income. I developed a habit when travelling of making it stretch out for as long as I could and have never really let go of that. And it’s a way of controlling, I guess, and another way I can usually justify because of my curséd smart brain. | Just spend it. Don’t make decisions based on money. Do what you’d do if you were a billionaire. And do what your woman says. They’re always right. They’re more relaxed about this kind of thing. They know what’s best. And maybe get a job. |
I think I’ll stop there. I maybe got carried away. In truth, the first two and most of the ones around Nicky are the real in-your-gut, gargh! I can’t believe I was so stupid regrets: the first two having haunted me for years and the Nicky ones being there because they’re so fresh. I guess you could kind of summarise the whole thing as: don’t be an ass; don’t be afraid; don’t be tight with money; don’t hold back with words and feelings; and get some help if none of that is working.
Or, to put a positive slant on it: be brave; be free; be loving; be caring; share what’s in your heart; get in touch with your deeper self; and endlessly make the effort. It’s worth it. No matter what the end result.
…
Before I started typing this morning I was thinking of that girl I went on that date with and wondering if it was anything like Nicky and this fellow she’s no doubt building a dream life with. I mean, even before the date, when all we’d done was spend fifteen minutes flirting and chatting, I was already rocketing into some impractical future with her. She’s moving away and I thought maybe I could move away too, to the same town. That we’d maybe start something together and fall in love and maybe she’d be the one. ‘Cept she’s like thirteen years younger than me and a hell of a lot more into the things that I no longer do – bars, drinking, shopping, etc – than Nicky ever was (in that regard, which is an important one for me, Nicky was pretty much perfect). Even in our small and tiny interactions at the date and in subsequent texts I can see how wrong she would be for me. I’ve reined myself in but she still thinks I’m weird – just because I suggested her late-arriving uncle might have been kidnapped by space monkeys! Man, the current generation is so square; they’ve gone all eighties and surrealism is dead. Just like the other day at the football match when we finally got our goal ‘cept it was an own goal but because of how thoroughly we’d been outplayed I decided it needed some ironic celebration and went running up to the defender to high five him and give him a big hug, thinking surely the rest of the team would join me in that and we’d all have a big old laugh and take the sweeter victory, which is joy – but all they did was look at me like I was crazy. One guy muttered grumpily. The rest trudged back. What’s wrong with the youth of today! Or is finding joy in life only something that comes with age, once you’ve learned how to loosen up a bit? Or maybe just something that is only visited upon the chosen few?
But I digress: I was talking about the foolish impracticality of my own while-ex-was-in-Ireland meeting with another and wondering if it perhaps compared to hers. It offers an escape route. Distant sweet dreams. A romance devoid of the reality of the one just known, which is sometimes difficult and unpleasant and full of tears. This one’s all just glitter and light, and in fantasy would obviously have been perfect if we’d taken it further. Except knowing it’s fantasy, and wanting to wake up from that, I’ve absolutely no intention of pursuing it further. A fifteen minute flirt and a two-hour conversation in which all differences are passed swiftly over with a fun and attractive young girl is no basis for anything. I know where it would lead: it would lead nowhere. But that’s a realisation I’ve come to on my own, thanks to the benefit of years and thinking it through and doing it a few times already. I don’t want fantasy anymore, I want reality. And, yes, I want the work and the tears and even the dullness and the shopping. It’s infinitely better than nothing.
But even if hers is just the same, is there anything that could bring that realisation to her, other than experience, thinking about it, eating that nutritionally-devoid fruit a few times, just as I have done? Nothing I know of. Oh well. And probably it’s all just more lessons for the future; a reflection on me and where I’m at in preparation for next one I meet…
I went the day feeling kind of glum and wishing I was away from Leeds – all these memories and emotional reminders too physically close to home – and then about 6 o’clock I had to go down the train station to run the line on a match in Woodlesford. I suddenly realised that Nicky would usually be on a train home around that time and thought maybe I could see her. I was feeling bad about reopening the can of worms and perhaps disturbing her own equilibrium. And I was feeling bad about doing it in such an impersonal way as text message. Maybe I shouldn’t have been so calm and cool during the pre/post-movie chitter chatter. Maybe I shouldn’t have expected her to bring it up, even though she was the one who was thinking about it. Probably she’d have avoided the subject forever if I’d let her. In any case, I was thinking just a big ol’ hug and not too many words, just a reassurance that everything was all right and a bit of eye-to-eye contact to share the reality behind the words rather than the tortured imaginings and uncertainy of when you read a text.
I messaged her. I called her. I called her again and left a voicemail. I heard nothing back and figured she was blanking me. That made me pretty sad. Made me want to see if I could spy her at the station, call her and catch her in the act of ignoring me. Ha! That would show her!
I gave up and got on my train. Texted her to explain my calls. Said, “Just wanted to do something nice and smiley, didn’t mean to make today intense. Sorry about that. I genuinely thought emotions were over. But I even cried replying to my mum’s email! Lol. I hope your afternoon was all right. x”
She wrote back about twenty minutes later, apologised for not doing so sooner but had been busy looking at a van and work things. Called me “baby” and sent three quickfire decently-long texts in like five minutes. So I guess my insecure paranoia was unfounded once again. Made me feel pretty special actually.
To the above she said: “It’s ok, you didn’t make today too intense and I really appreciate everything you’ve said. Think I might have been a bit freaked out and pushed but now I don’t and feel closer to you again.” Plus various other friendly day-to-day stuff besides. So that was nice.
And then I lined my match – how silly to be standing there holding a flag in a pair of shorts when it’s minus one and snowing! – and the day was done. I don’t know what’s going on with Nicky and I. I don’t know what I’m doing in my life. I don’t know what I’ll do when I move out of this flat in nine days time. In all these ways I feel like an absolute beginner. But what I do know is that I love writing, and I’m pretty happy with myself, and that I’m going to make it up with my mum:
Thanks so much for getting back to me so soon, means a lot. Sorry I didn't reply earlier but don't have internet access at home.
I'm still living in Leeds though moving out of my flat on the 21st of this month and maybe out of the city. If you're still working in town we could have another go at lunch or something after 5ish. My work is mostly at the weekend so I have a lot of freetime. Or you'd be welcome to come up to mine, which is quite close to the university.
Thanks again for writing, it means the world to me.
Much love,
Rory
And for all those things I feel grateful. xxx
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