Amazing jokes

What you're probably thinking right now is that I don't spend time thinking up terribly convoluted jokes that aren't really that funny. But you're wrong! In fact, I once had a very good friend with whom I would while away many a happy hour plucking random words from objects around the room to use as punchlines and then devising clumsy, ridiculous puns. I think by now we've made up hundreds. She sent me one the other day, something about an Australian insult for an Englishman/fruit made out of stone - the answer was "Pomegranate" - of course it was - you see the kind of thing - and that sent me on a whole new tangent of my own.

Highlight the hidden text below the 'joke' to learn the answer (assuming you're not smart enough to figure them out).

Q: What did the French-Australian call the potato he used to ward off Englishmen (much in the manner that a scarecrow is used to ward off crows)? (Don't get hung up on the scarecrow bit.)

A: He called it his POMME DETERER!! A-ha-ha-ha!

Q: What did the French-Australian grapefruit seller shout when he saw an Englishman pulling a large-antlered North American quadruped through the streets of Paris?

A: POMME PULL MOOSE!! A-hee-hee-hee!

Q: What's the difference between a Sex Pistols fan who spends his days campaigning to rid the world of a certain large-antlered North American quadruped - are you with me? - and a Franciscan or Benedictine holy renunciate man, for example, who enjoys nothing more than buffing up and bringing to a shine traditional English watering holes (ie, pubs)?

A: ONE'S A MOOSE-ABOLISHING PUNK AND THE OTHER'S A BOOZER-POLISHING MONK!!

Oh my word: that's clever. That's actually from ages ago but it was too good to let disappear. I bet you never knew I was some sort of comedic genius eh? Of course, it takes a special sort of wit to appreciate the complexity and depth of these jokes. They're working on many levels.

Q: What has a small sweet dessert traditionally left out for Santa at Christmas time (along with a glass of sherry) got in common with the British secret agent Double-O-8 (who is made out of Polos)?

A: THEY'RE BOTH MINT SPIES!! A-hoo-hoo-hoo!!

And finally...this is one of my favourites. I know you can't believe it but it just came to me. Only took like a minute or so to work out.

Q: Did you hear about the cowboy whose wife gave birth to a Docmartin? Even though the boy was a shoe it didn't stop his father from loving him: they were inseperable. In fact, when they were both killed in a terrible car crash all the cowboy's friends agreed: at least it was some consolation that he died with his boot son.

AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

I'd love to tell you more but I'm afraid I'll get into trouble for causing your very seams to burst - and I don't want that.

God, it's great being amazing. :-)