Still, I do want to write something today, and I suppose the best thing to do is start with a quick recap; to say: a) my girlfriend’s still away; b) it took me three days before I could get out of bed without screaming after the back thing (and it still hurts); c) I may have been watching too many movies; I’ve discovered the uni library and been walking out of there with like ten at a time; d) when girlfriend’s away, I get rather messy and slack, pee a little bit on the floor; throw clothes everywhere; just eat sandwiches and crisps and spend most of my free time in bed with films and books and my own daft typing. It’s great: ten days of slovenliness but because it’s not that extreme – ie, I’m not dirty, just messy – I can fix the whole thing in like an hour; e) it’s a shame I can’t play football or squash: no more going in for potentially crippling challenges; f) if only I wasn’t such a lazy writer; g) whizz. If you know what I mean.
Anyways, none of that is what I wanted to say today: that’s just me doing my pointless duty thing and clearing my brain: no, main thing I was thinking of was this wonderful link my dear good friend Eric sent me – Eric one of the few people I still find interesting; he’s always sending me interesting stuff – and although I’ve only scanned a wee bit of it I already know it’s something I want to address. What is it? Well, it’s this:
A man in his blog writes about a book he read on introversion and says that the guy in the book show how neuro-transmitters follow different dominant paths in the nervous systems of introverts and extroverts – introverts being overly sensitive to dopamine, with too much external stimulation exhausting them, and extroverts craving it, necessitating the seeking of adrenaline so that their brains can create it – plus other things besides. “How interesting,” I think, believing myself an introvert, “that this stuff may actually be quite literally hard-wired in our physiological make-up.”
The man – let’s call him ‘Carl King’ (for that is his name) – then muses on what he calls ‘common misconceptions about introverts’ and there I leap in my seat, and think “Yes!” and hasten to come back some later date – probably only having read about three – and muse myself. And this is what I shall do. His list:
Myth #1 – Introverts don’t like to talk.
He says: This is not true. Introverts just don’t talk unless they have something to say. They hate small talk. Get an introvert talking about something they are interested in, they won’t shut up for days.
I say: Yeah man: especially of late. It’s like I just hear people say the same things over and over again and it’s so dull. I long for someone to say something interesting, something new – but they very rarely bother so I’d just rather opt out. Conversations, shmonversations – most of them seem to be about nothing. When I talk about things I’m not really interested in – just doing the social thing, avoiding awkwardness – it’s like I’m pretending and everything feels stilted and whack. But like he says: get me on a subject I care about and – as you can see from this lovely ol’ self-indulgent blog – I’ll wax the lyrics till the ass has fallen out of the donkey.
Myth #2 – Introverts are shy.
He says: Shyness has nothing to do with being an introvert. Introverts are not necessarily afraid of people. What they need is a reason to interact. They don’t interact for the sake of interacting. If you want to talk to an introvert, just start talking. Don’t worry about being polite.
I say: I don’t know if anyone could accuse me of being shy – but certainly I ain’t no life and soul of the party, and in a group I’d most likely rather keep quiet. I like to wait for the spaces to open up in a conversation, as they should do if people are paying attention to the dynamics and not just blabbing for the sake of it, or losing track of what they’re really trying to say. I guess that’s why I go for one-on-one more often than not.
Myth #3 – Introverts are rude.
He says: Introverts often don’t see a reason for beating around the bush with social pleasantries. They want everyone to just be real and honest. Unfortunately, this is not acceptable in most settings, so introverts can feel a lot of pressure to fit in, which they find exhausting.
I say: Yeah, I suppose I do worry about appearing rude: I guess I just blurt stuff out and get down to the gist of it – when I’m living naturally and not pretending to be something I’m not – and I sometimes worry about that, wish I was nicer, more able to do the smalltalk thing. But I’d mostly rather hang out by myself than have to have the same old boring conversation all over again. Which brings us to...
Myth #4 – Introverts don’t like people.
He says: On the contrary, introverts intensely value the few friends they have. They can count their close friends on one hand. If you are lucky enough for an introvert to consider you a friend, you probably have a loyal ally for life. Once you have earned their respect as being a person of substance, you’re in.
I say: some truth in that – I’d say I was pretty loyal – though as for “intensely valuing” I don’t think I’d do that far: mostly I seem to forget about people (all the moving) and skip on the next friend pretty easily. As long as I’ve got people in my life that fit certain criteria – the sports buddy, the confidante, the stimulator – I don’t mind too much what body/face/name they happen to be wearing. That’s cold and harsh, right? Oh well: maybe if I didn’t change town every 6-12 months things would be different.
Main thing around this point though is something I’ve been musing on lately when I was questioning myself and why I don’t seem to value people very much or crave human interaction – particularly with relation to my former spiritual self when I used to love other humans so much – and the conclusion that I came to was this: that it’s because I love other humans so much that I tend to avoid them, because what I’m after is deep connection of the heart and the soul – and what I tend to find is smalltalk about things that don’t really matter, pointless material interests, stuff in shops and petty worries, etc. It’s disappointing – I find other people disappointing – and so rather than suffer that I just don’t bother, and tend to concentrate on those that I can find some deeper connection with.
Although, having said that, you all know how excited I can get by discussing such shallownesses as half-price cheese and football...
Myth #5 – Introverts don’t like to go out in public.
He says: Nonsense. Introverts just don’t like to go out in public FOR AS LONG. They also like to avoid the complications that are involved in public activities. They take in data and experiences very quickly, and as a result, don’t need to be there for long to “get it.” They’re ready to go home, recharge, and process it all. In fact, recharging is absolutely crucial for Introverts.
I say: I think it’s true that for quite a few years I haven’t been too bothered about going out in public. For me, it feels like there’s nothing there: there’s bricks and buildings and traffic and noise and crowds – and crowds are generally unappealing things – and mainly just more of those fripperies that I was talking about. If I ever go to a bar – which is about once a year – I’m bored within minutes: I know exactly what he means when he talks about taking in data quickly. You walk in, you see what’s going down, you see that nothing’s going to happen: let’s go. Same with most things I suppose. Public is the masses and the masses do strange things: they listen to weird noises (thinking it music) and they pour toxins into their bodies (thinking it fun). Fuck the public: that’s what I say. (The guy who wrote the original article is obviously much nicer than me.)
Myth #6 – Introverts always want to be alone.
He says: Introverts are perfectly comfortable with their own thoughts. They think a lot. They daydream. They like to have problems to work on, puzzles to solve. But they can also get incredibly lonely if they don’t have anyone to share their discoveries with. They crave an authentic and sincere connection with ONE PERSON at a time.
I say: Yup, being alone is fine. But I dig what he says about sharing – after all, why write? Why want to experience deep and eventful connections with others?
Myth #7 – Introverts are weird.
He says: Introverts are often individualists. They don’t follow the crowd. They’d prefer to be valued for their novel ways of living. They think for themselves and because of that, they often challenge the norm. They don’t make most decisions based on what is popular or trendy.
I say: Some people do think I weird: but in my own head, I feel perfectly normal, and I guess there ain’t too many people that can say that. Can’t say, though, that I have any interest in being valued for any supposed novel way of thinking – being valued don’t even come into it. Main thing is just feeling okay and satisfied and unbad. If thinking like everybody else could give me that then I’d have no qualms in doing it – but I guess I tried that and it didn’t quite work.
Myth #8 – Introverts are aloof nerds.
He says: Introverts are people who primarily look inward, paying close attention to their thoughts and emotions. It’s not that they are incapable of paying attention to what is going on around them, it’s just that their inner world is much more stimulating and rewarding to them.
I say: Sure, I’m an aloof nerd – no denials here. Half the time I’d rather be with my laptop than other humans – at least that don’t disappoint and pull on my energies in annoying ways. And when I say “half the time” I guess I’m being conservative. But he’s right when he talks about the inner-world: nothing boring there. That thing is a bottomless pit of wonder and intrigue and amusement and madness...
Myth #9 – Introverts don’t know how to relax and have fun.
He says: Introverts typically relax at home or in nature, not in busy public places. Introverts are not thrill seekers and adrenaline junkies. If there is too much talking and noise going on, they shut down. Their brains are too sensitive to the neurotransmitter called dopamine. Introverts and extroverts have different dominant neuro-pathways. Just look it up.
I say: Actually, I think that’s true that I don’t know how to relax. I mean, I feel pretty much relaxed all the time so the idea of relaxing isn’t something that I can relate to. How can you relax when you’re already relaxed? Why wouldn’t you just be relaxed – ie, tension-free – in everything you do? No reason why a person couldn’t be relaxed while working, playing, being busy. But it has concerned me because I have this image of, for example, holidays, where you should just be able to sit there and breathe out and think, “isn’t this marvellous?” and not have another thought in your brain – and I’ve never been able to do that. Thing is, it’s the inner-world: it’s always with you. And if the inner-world is your life and your hobby and your passion then why would you switch it off?
Likewise, fun: I guess I don’t really understand the concept of going “to do something fun” because I feel like: a) I’m already having fun; and b) doing things doesn’t really provide fun. Most things just seem sort of empty and tiring: though I suppose I do get a lot out of sport. Is that fun? Is “fun” what sport gives me? Or is it something else? Like the way it gives me a break from my brain and my thinking, the sheer presence and simplicity of putting your all into chasing a ball? Or maybe, in my case, the myth is actually a truth: that I don’t know how to relax and have fun – I mean, I honestly can’t think of a single thing, outside of sport or some other sort of game or competition, that one could do with a girlfriend, for instance, that I would class as “fun”.
Myth #10 – Introverts can fix themselves and become extroverts.
He says: A world without introverts would be a world with few scientists, musicians, artists, poets, filmmakers, doctors, mathematicians, writers, and philosophers. That being said, there are still plenty of techniques an extrovert can learn in order to interact with Introverts. (Yes, I reversed these two terms on purpose to show you how biased our society is.) Introverts cannot “fix themselves” and deserve respect for their natural temperament and contributions to the human race. In fact, one study (Silverman, 1986) showed that the percentage of Introverts increases with IQ.
I say: Hey, you is what you is – and the more you can learn to help you accept that, the better you feel. I dig his point that we live in an extrovert-dominant world and that the man who would rather sit at home with his books or his words or his movies or his lego is perhaps seen as a loser, a loner, and a failure – and that if he were only to get out there, do something fun, stop being so cooped up he’d be happy – but the real point is this: his unhappiness doesn’t come from not doing certain things, it comes from the expectation that he’s put on himself – and allowed others to put on him, accepted from them – that he’s somehow living life all wrong. Anything that encourages you to break out of this way of thinking and say, hey, the way I live is just fine and dandy, I am what I am – an introvert, a scanner, a contemplator, a recluse – and that’s the way I was made and there ain’t a damn thing wrong with it – is just grand. So long, of course, as there ain’t a damn thing wrong with it and that beyond trying to live up to expectations you really are satisfied and happy and content inside. By your own measure, of course: only you can decide whether you're living your life right and have need to change.
Something like that.
PS Do you think we should represent other people?
Nah, I reckon just represent yourself - and if other people want to come on board, the more the merrier.
Like you can lead a horse to water?
I suppose. But more like: hey, horse, I'm gonna dig this well and I'm gonna dig it good. You're welcome to join me. But if you think I'm gonna spoonfeed you - lead you, even...well for all I care you can die of thirst if you're too dumb to take a sip.
That's not very nice.
Don't worry, it's just a game with words: s'not real life, not me.
Phew. That's good to know.
;-)
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