Cheese watch brigade

One of the best things about living in England is the supermarkets: seriously, they're everywhere, and they're lovely, and even if you don't need anything your day can be brightened by a leisurely stroll up and down the aisles of a Sainsbury's or a Tesco. You think I'm being facetious - but I'm not. I love 'em. They're warm. And they're full of people who aren't afraid of you 'cos they know you're shopping and they're shopping too, and we've that in common, at least. You can smile and say hi and laugh over something daft or comment on the contents of their basket. You can even let them squeeze in front of you, if "that's all you've got?" and be all chivalrous and good like some knight from Victorian times. I rest my case. BUT ---

The best is yet to come - and this is where all you Americans and Canadians and even Mexicans and Australians will weep - 'cos the deals they offer in our supermarkets are enough to make you want to piss out your own eyeballs. Buy one get one free? Sure, we got that in spades. But what about all the half-price offers we're swamped with every week? And what about - hold your pants and shit on your hands in anticipation - buy one, get TWO free? Really. It exists. Okay, so it's generally only on something shitty like Pringle's - I've learned my lesson there - but it paints a picture, no? And what with shit and piss and pants and eyeballs already mentioned, it's a pretty picture indeed.

Mostly what I buy is this:

Half-price or buy-one-get-one-free Cheddar cheese

Half-price pizza

Half-price or £1 margarine-type spread

Half-price or £1 fancy crisps

There may be other things too. Apples are always on special, so there's no point buying them when not. Likewise olive oil. Satsumas I got for a quid the other day when they're normally £2.19 - this isn't stuff that's almost out of date, by the way: that's a whole 'nother kettle of bargainous fish - and if you're into ice cream, and I'm talking Ben 'n' Jerry's or Haagen Dazs, then that's generally on half-price offer somewhere too. Thing is, though, the deals move around, and some weeks they might not have them at all - you may well be put in the position of either having to fork out full whack or, perish the thought, sacrificing pizza night. But, generally, it's only a matter of time, and a matter of snooping. Which is what brings me here.

Ye, let it be known that up until this day I have always relied on good fortune and standard popping into the shops to get my cut price groceries. But, from this day forward, no more! For, with the advent of the internet, I have come to realise it's but a simple matter of wasting thirty minutes or so to browse the various websites and spy on their cheese in order to ensure their deals. Voila! And if that's not enough good news for one millennium - I'm going to share it with you here. Starting right now. So.

Cheese

English/Scottish/Welsh Cheddar (350g) - half-price at Morrisons (£1.74)

Lake District Extra Mature Cheddar (400g) - half price at Morrisons (£2.14)

Cathedral City Extra Mature Cheddar (350g) - buy one get one free at Tesco (£4.28)

Spread

Clover (5oog) - half-price at Morrisons (£1)

Utterly Butterly (500g) - buy one get one free at Tesco (£1.80)

Pizza

Goodfellas (340-490g) - half-price at Morrisons (£1.24-£1.34)

Goodfellas (414-428g) - half-price at Tesco (£1.21-£1.34)

Fruit and veg

Satsumas (7) - better than half-price at Sainsburys (£1)

Mangos, clementines, plums and apples - buy one get one free at Sainsburys (£2)

Pineapple - special offer at Tesco (£1)

Giant persimmon - half-price at Tesco (50p)

Broccoli (335g) - buy one get one free at Tesco (97p)

Big leaf spinach (400g) - half-price at Tesco (£1)

Finest Elfe potatoes (1.5kg) - half-price at Tesco (£1)

NB Don't buy fruit at Morrisons - it's cack

Also

New Covent Garden Soup (600g) - half-price at Morrisons (£1.07)

Haagen Dazs Ice cream (500ml) - half-price at Morrisons (£2.29)

Linda McCartney's Sausages (6) - half-price at Morrisons (99p)

Plus a million other things besides that I'm not that interested in (turkey, biscuits, etc).

Alright, so that's enough of that nonsense - I've grown pretty quickly tired of looking and cutting and pasting and I think I've proved my point. In a nutshell:

1. You can always get most of what you need at half-price or buy one get one free or better.

2. Morrisons is leading the field when it comes to deals that're practically steals.

3. There ain't much going on in the pizza world at the minute. For Goodfellas, as we all know, is rubbish pizza.

4. The cheese market has gone mental! Where did all this half-price cheddar come from? (I don't think I want to know is the answer to that.)

5. Not all my ideas are good ideas: I don't think I'll ever do this again.

6. If you can, it's best to just never buy anything that's not half-price.

7. I need to get back to doing other things.

8. I'll bet if you're North American and you've got this idea that your country's somehow cheaper than mine you're weeping into your pumpkin and peanut butter Wonderbread sandwiches right now.

9. It pays to look at things online: wouldn't have known about those Linda McCartney sausages otherwise. Bet I'm eating Linda's real soon! :-)

(PS I do eat lots of other things besides - this is just the offer stuff. In case you were worried about my seemingly atrocious diet.)