Well I went to work again yesterday, faced
the music, and they were pretty nice about it, just said I’d have to pay the
excess – not sure about that – and asked me if I thought I could actually drive
it, that big beast of a van. Despite overnight reconciling with myself that it
was okay to just admit that I was a shit driver – especially knowing that I
needed to extricate myself from the position, what with all this writing I need
to do – something in my testosterone wouldn’t let me do it and I said, “sure.”
So off I was then to Brighton, Portsmouth and Southampton – after a little
driving test from the boss, which I passed with fairly flying colours – and
once more into sleep- and headache- inducing motorwayness, and wanting it to
end right there. Didn’t crash, though – and only had maybe two moments where it
might have been a possibility, which isn’t bad for me. I am shit, though, I’ve
got to admit it. And it’s silly for me to even think about continuing, given
next week’s holiday, and the book I now have twenty-eight days to write…
So
this morning I sent him an email saying sorry, I’ve reflected, no, I don’t
think I’m good enough. I hope he’s not too put out.
After
work I went to see Perlilly sing some jazz at a restaurant in Oxford
The
other plan is to write. Twenty-eight days. Four weeks. Five parts. Maybe a
hundred thousand words. Written and edited. Formatted. Proofread. Submitted.
Plus a cover. Yikes!
But
I have the faith. I believe I can do it.
I
can do it – the only question is, will I?
Effort.
Resolve. Determination. Perseverance. Check.
Okay,
let’s get it on…
00.26
Day done, almost made it through the whole
of Part One, which is cool; hope to get that finished off and get through Part
Two by the end of the weekend and then get cracking on new material, which’ll
be the hard bit. Good to get stuck in and knuckle down and achieve – and wasn’t
actually too hard to do (turning off the wireless button on my laptop seemed to
be a tonic for focus). Also had a dream about Dave, who has offered to do the
cover for me; he’d done some really cool pics. Hope he can come up with
something.
After
that Perlilly and I had a bit of a practice for our gig tomorrow night, learned
Lady Marmalade and one or two others, and then I went off to my first game of
football in over three weeks, down at Brookes. Was worried that I’d be out of
shape but ran and hussled as much as ever, scored one and laid on the other in
a disappointing 4-2 defeat, a couple of sloppy late goals putting paid to some
good efforts. Oh well, I never seem to be on the winning team with these guys.
I
was thinking about Perlilly on the way home, thinking about how it’s been weeks
and weeks since she’s been nice to me for any length of time. That’s a bit
disappointing, and my first instinct is to want to know why, to want her to
express herself to me, or to think about leaving, think she’s not right for me.
Shamefully, that’s probably the direction I go in most of the time – but tonight
I contemplated a bit deeper and got myself to realise that she probably wasn’t
happy – she’s in limbo, after finishing university – and also that if I wanted
her to be nice to me punishing her wasn’t really the right way to go about it, that
I ought to do something nice for her. So I stopped in at the super and bought
her not one but two bunches of flowers – and they weren’t on special either –
and three little bars of chocolate. She was so happy when she saw them she gave
me my first proper kisses in ages.
We
learned some more songs after that: Cat Stevens’ Wild World; Push The Button by
The Sugababes; Don’t Stop The Music by Rihanna. Sounding pretty good.
Here’s
to another productive day tomorrow! Cheers!
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