Play football – lots of football. Run madly and chase everything and never stop. Tackle people, but stay on your feet and don’t dive in. Get in good positions. Shoot with your left foot. Pass the ball and try not to waste it doing silly things – and if you can’t go forwards, don’t worry about going back or to the side: better that than losing it. Celebrate all your team’s goals – but especially your own. Shout, “come on boys!” and, “nice ball”, things like that. Play for two or three or even four hours non-stop, and when your body says, “I can’t take it any more” say, “sure you can” and carry on. Get stuck in. Get cut and bruised. Score lots of goals and talk about them later. And have sore legs in the morning.
Don’t drive or walk – and certainly don’t take the bus – cycle everywhere (unless you’re going more than twenty miles or it’s pissing it down). Bike as quickly as you can, hardly ever change gear, and try and race people. Go through red lights. Weave in and out of cars. Do it non-handed for miles on end. And get grease all over your legs. Also, ignore all traffic signals (especially those that say “No Entry” or “One-Way”).
Play squash. Play for two hours at a time, and dive full length on the floor, and run, run, run. Wham it as hard as you can. Angle it off the walls. Laugh lots and occasionally squeak one out in the corner, and then giggle to yourself when you and your opponent change sides. Get into really long rallies and then crack up in hysterics so that you’re barely able to hit the ball. Slam into walls with your shoulder. Play with your top off. Sweat.
Make people think that you’ve got a beard – but what you’ve really got is forgetfulness. Hardly ever look in the mirror so that you don’t know what’s going on on your face. Have food on it sometimes, like Mr Twit. Every 4 to 6 weeks, just as your moustache hairs are starting to tickle in your mouth, buzz it all off and start again.
Eat egg on toast like this: two eggs, two slices of toast, generously buttered – with real butter – and one with marmite on it. Then add some salt and pepper. It should be delicious and well eggy. One egg just isn’t enough.
Also, enjoy fish and chips more than anything – but only ever eat them when you’re in Yorkshire, and baulk at the idea of buying them in The South, or for more than four quid (£2.30 is about ideal). Eat them sometimes just before you play squash or football (an hour is about right) and then play really well and credit it to the grease. Have them with bread and butter (or margarine/spread is fine in this case) and tomato sauce if you’re having them at home. Salt, of course – but never, ever vinegar. Unless you’re sharing with someone who swears by it, in which case it’s fine. Think often about the fish and chips you used to eat with your gran in South Elmsall.
Drink herbal tea, or green – but no caffeine, no coffee, no black tea. Shun fizzy pop and alcohol, but occasionally have a ginger beer or some shandy if you need to get in the party mood. Get slightly tipsy on about three sips of very weak shandy, much to the disbelief of the people you are with (they will think you’re putting it on).and limit yourself to three pints. Feel a bit sick later.
Do the washing up, sure – but always leave a little bit at the end. You won’t know why you do this, but you will feel compelled.
Wear your sports socks over and over, only washing them when they’re in dire need. What’s the point in making them clean when they’re only going to get dirty again in an hour’s time? The same applies to shorts and t-shirts. And only buy clothes when you really, really need them. Ensure that at least 80% of your wardrobe is blue. Try not to own a big coat.
Limit your possessions to the bare minimum – ideally what you can carry, but if you’re quite stable then what you can fit in the boot and back seat of a car is fine. Never keep paperwork, unless it’s receipts for things that might break, and try and have a clear out every few months. Owning a computer is useful, because then you can keep all your pictures, CDs, movies and writing on it. Give stuff away or sell it if you don’t need it. In this way, you’ll keep a very clear mind. Possessions weigh you down.
Make everything a competition. Get jealous about your partner’s exes and sexual history – but not so much that it makes you unpleasant. Sing lots, but never well. Start things, and have grand ideas, and be way better than average at almost everything, but never great. Admire your muscles in the mirror, and feel grateful that you don’t look or act your age. Lay naked in the sun when the opportunity arises. Enjoy your penis, but often forget it’s there. Walk barefoot. Have lovely fingernails. Mostly ignore your parents and never, ever telephone anybody, even though you have loads of free minutes on your mobile. Spend too much time on the computer, and make sure part of that time is spent just clicking things that don’t need to be clicked. When you hear something interesting or new to you, think to yourself, “I’ll look that up on Wikipedia/Google when I get home” – but only achieve this 12% of the time. Draw like a nine year-old. Throw rocks in the sea. Pretend nothing ever hurts you, unless you want some attention. Have no reflexes and tell people it’s because you’re one of the undead. In fact, make up lots of stories, even when people ask you simple questions, and then become puzzled when they say they don’t know where they stand with you. Smile lots, but don’t get too excited: it’s better to maintain a sort of equilibrium because what goes up must come down and all that. Feel sorry for the plight of your fellow man, and often think you should do something good for the world. Tell people you’ve never seen E.T. The Extraterrestrial. Tell people The Rocky Horror Picture Show is your favourite film. Enjoy carrying really heavy things, and also falling over (if you fall over while carrying something really heavy, and it falls on top of you, laugh lots and then think about it for years to come. Have a history for crashing cars. Rarely worry about things. Feel slightly uncertain in all your relationships, and wonder if it’s something to do with your upbringing, and just do the best you can. Talk about your feelings, and don’t keep things inside, because even though it’s difficult and challenging at times it’s probably much better in the long run. Type lots: just whatever comes into your head. Enjoy hammers, and tools of any kind. Feel more and more like a man all the time. Be overly critical of poor grammar and spelling (even though you make mistakes at times). Take terrible photographs (anybody can take good ones). Make sure that at least 50% of what you say is said with your tongue firmly in your cheek. Have really long baths, and watch movies in the bath, and always have a cup of tea with you when you’re in there. Believe that you can do anything you want.
Be sort of lazy. Have loads of potential but never fulfil even a tiny bit of it. Sort of drift through life without achieving very much. Make happiness in the moment your priority – but occasionally feel a pang of jealousy when your younger friends buy houses and land amazing jobs. Have loads of time of your hands, and sort of fritter it away.
Make love about four times a week. Take the dominant role and try and put your partner first. Pay really close attention to how stimulated you are, and try and put orgasm off for as long as possible – and always wish it was longer. Have a good time, and be quite dirty. Be faithful, and loyal, and true, and hardly ever flirt knowingly. Be very kissy and cuddly and affectionate. Grab boobs, and love them. Try and get your partner to make love in public places, even though you know they won’t do it. Watch all the porn under the sun and then lose interest in it. Be vocal; people seem to love that. Never feel anything but total adoration for your partner’s body and what they can do with it.
Eat cheese. Eat fish. Avoid meat, except for one frivolous time every two or three years. Know that you should be eating lots of vegetables and fruit, and do to some degree, but mostly live on toast and cereal. Dig samosas. Go out for Indian and All-You-Can-Eat Chinese (and eat pretty much all you can eat). Grab bargains when you go to the supermarket (half price, but one get one free, reduced at the end of the day). Eat salad and bananas in the summer; eat root vegetable soup in the winter. Every now and then buy a 500g bag of dates and eat the whole lot in one sitting; do the same with Bombay Mix also. Mostly avoid sugar, milk, processed foods, cheap shit, desserts, etc – but not in an obsessive way. Be a bit of a supermarket snob, only going into Asda, Morrison’s, Somerfield or the Co-op for small things or in moments of desperation (don’t even think about Netto); Tesco, Sainsbury’s and Waitrose is fine, and M&S for the occasional little thing (always be shocked about the price of food in there). Give up eating McDonald’s when you’re about 23. Prefer bananas that have just started to get black bits on them. If you want a treat, get 200g of Medjool dates. Mostly buy fizzy water, and also smoothies. Dig Marmite, and giggle when you give it to foreign friends and they start to be sick. Don’t waste food; that’s a sin. Eat loads and loads and loads.
Watch movies. Watch comedies too – preferably British comedies, although have a soft spot for My Name Is Earl. Don’t have a TV though; download stuff off the internet. Hero-worship Derren Brown and fantasise about becoming his apprentice, or at least flirting with him if you should ever meet. Adore The Good, The Bad and The Ugly. Feel a pang of disappointment and distaste whenever you think about the third series of The Mighty Boosh. Tell as many people as you can about Snuff Box (but be careful when acting out the restaurant, “I know: you raped me!” scene at parties). Enjoy horrors and rom-coms. Generally, though, think most movies are cheesy and stupid and shite.
Often have your hands down your pants. And also down somebody else’s, if you are able.
Drink the spring water when you go to Glastonbury, and get blissed out, or peaced out, or giggly, or high, and believe in all that stuff. Believe in God, too, and occasionally talk to Him/Her/It, as though He/She/It is like your best friend (try to void conversations of that nature, though, unless you really feel it). Meditate way too infrequently, even though you know it’s good for you. See signs, and have occasionally visions; things like that. Visit saints, and when you do get all swept along and think, “what am I doing with my life? This is awesome. I should be doing more of this God-stuff” – and eventually learn to just let that feeling be, and then go back to your normal, wasting the day and not doing very much of import at all life. Believe in reincarnation, synchronicities, manifestation/the power of the mind, ghosts and angels, psychic powers, faith healing, miracles, fate and destiny. Mostly act as though none of that matters.
Use loads and loads of toilet paper to wipe your arse. Have about three shits a day, for some reason. Good ones, though.
Look down on people, and always find a reason to think yourself better than them. Don’t feel particularly good about this, and always try and be nice. In real life, at least.
Abhor smokers, and think them the scum of the earth. Tell them off when they do it places that they shouldn’t (unless they look mental and/or psychotic). Tut when you see people throwing litter too – and occasionally pick it up for them, because you remember how much you threw when you were a child. Hardly ever feel negatively towards anybody, though, and feel bemused at the amount of anger some people carry inside themselves. Try not to associate with people you don’t really like. Be bemused also at people that do, and then go away and complain about those people, and get upset by them. Believe that friendship is defined by the quality of your relationship with another, not merely because you happen to know them, or are too lonely to be without them. Be grateful and content if you have at least one person in your life at any given moment that you can express yourself to, and have fun with. Mostly, though, just have people you play sports with, but hardly know. And feel satisfied with that.
Apply for jobs, suddenly feeling that you'd like to do this particular thing. Love the interview. Don't care if you get it, just believe if it's meant to be it'll happen. Get a job, do it for a little bit, and then get bored. Quit after a while, or get fired, or manufacture something that leads to the same end product, it's all the same really. And then start the process all over again.
Believe that the things you endlessly type will be interesting to at least seven people, and that they will read them and understand them, and maybe take something from it. Never ever stop to think that this might not be the case. Or, even if you do stop to think that, just carry on anyway.
Marvel at your own genius. Why not?
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