18

Well I think what I’ll do is write it out of me; I felt better last night after my little ‘letter to/from my soul’, and just after that we got chatting on MSN and I was able to be light and fun, which I certainly couldn’t have managed a few hours before, and lost all my desire to ask the question, “why?” which is what has been in my head ever since. Have I answered it? I’d like to think so. Pressure; that’s what got to her – the pressure in her head, the buildup from not talking to me about it, the layer of the onion that she came to after all the questions of whether we were actually together or not had been answered. I did ask her whether she thought “I wanted to get her knocked up” and she admitted she did; that’s a shame – ‘cos even though I could see myself having babies with her, it wasn’t exactly at the forefront of my desires! Maybe six or seven years down the line, if we were still together, that sort of thing; more that I wanted to be in a committed relationship where at least it was a possibility.

I wondered then whether I should press her: whether I should play a more proactive role than what I’d originally thought to do, in just letting her be and seeing if she came around to wanting me again, as I had done. No doubt I could challenge her on her assumptions, bring these fears of hers out into the open, and maybe see if it made things better, and a part of me thought that was the thing to do – the responsible and right thing, if I can see the problem, and have the power to do something about it – but I could also see the dangers in that, and the value in letting someone alone, and letting them find their own way. I wasn’t sure at all. I did an I Ching and I got 43: Determination, and it seemed to be saying to act and do something, for the most part, yet by the end I was thinking not. The key lines seemed to be saying to not tackle the problem head on, while my one changing line was more explicit in saying, “if you strength outwardly and act before the time is ripe, you will only endanger the entire situation.” So I was resolved to say nothing and wait. I felt more at peace and more able to do this, and when I woke this morning I just had this feeling that the ‘typewriter’ would be my salvation. I need to focus on myself – and, perhaps in doing so, and by breaking the invisible bond between us, it will help give her the space to realise what has gone on. If only I had another to add a little threat and hasten the situation! lol A shame that Eve didn’t come as she’d said she would; she would have been here tomorrow…

Does this sound cunning? I guess it does. I don’t mean it to, though – it’s not exactly a plan in winning someone back, it’s a boy trying his best to navigate the minefields of life. Which way to turn? How to avoid danger? I ask and these are the answers I get. Maybe she will come and maybe she won’t – but either way I have to remain true to myself and plot the best course through my own life. My heart and mind has the map – and a little extra help from outside/above – and if I try I can probably make it out, a little blurred it might be at times. Writing will help me, and asking for signs, and just trying to get in touch with the feelings of the situation. Have I done that by deciding it’s pressure and fear that has driven her to put an end to this? Or, again, is that wishful thinking? Either way, I think this is the way forward now…

Now talking of signs – well, as you well know I was engaged in a course of hypnotherapy with a chap in Huddersfield to tackle my commitmentphobia, which sort of went off the rails during our third session when we got into something of an ‘argument’ – if you can believe that – and I lost a little bit of faith in him. I didn’t close off the possibility of continuing with him, though – I just put a postponement on it and said I’d have a think. One thing was, I wasn’t sure if I was ‘healed’ – I couldn’t feel any aversion to commitment anymore, having taken a few steps in life – and it seemed pointless rooting around for stuff that perhaps wasn’t there. Sure, we hadn’t had that cathartic moment I’d been promised, when the root of it all had been reached and the grand emotional release I’d been promised had come – but I did feel better and, like I say, not afraid anymore, of a serious job, and a serious relationship, and the rest of it. Still, I asked for a sign, unsure of whether to quit or not, and at that moment a sort of ragbag drunk-looking couple walked past and the bloke said, “has it been released? Is it done?” (his exact words) and inside I felt the answer, “no”. Coincidence? Maybe. But it seemed to answer something in me.

We’d ended that last session with me feeling kind of angry, in a very mild way – but so often in the past week I’ve been angry – and almost in a rage at times – and that’s really quite unlike me. Danny Wallace and Perlilly seem to have borne the brunt of that – in my head at least, if not in person, before I let it go – but also various large companies and individuals and situations have been railed against. I wondered if it was something to do with the hypno. I also seem to have felt more, and been more empathetic, and cried more since I started this. I also wonder if it’s why I suddenly seem to find myself so attractive, since we’ve touched on issues of bodily insecurities. I think I should probably toss a coin and maybe write to the guy and go back. It’s sixty quid an hour – which is a fair chunk of money, I suppose, and probably one reason I hesitate on this – but that’s just an excuse, surely. Yeah, I think I’ll write to him now and see what the deal is…

I hope I get through this day. I hope I remain strong in giving Perlilly her space. I hope she takes some time to feel what she’s feeling, and to realise that any pressure she’s felt hasn’t really come from me, isn’t really there to fear, and can probably be done away with if we just talk about it. I hope she gets to the root of her feeling and realises that she still does love and want me, as I love and want her, and we can get back to just having a fun and easy and saucy time together, without too many thoughts of the future, just enjoying today – for who knows what tomorrow may bring, what’s around the corner? We have no idea whether we’ll still like each other six months down the line – but we love and enjoy each other today, and shouldn’t that be enough?

Thanks again for listening,

Rory