Hi loveliest, how's it going? I'm sure you're having a blast down there in France - it must be a really awesome thing to be doing. And not that I know if you're checking your email or not but I thought I'd like to write to you anyway. Me and Diego went out for a day in the Yorkshire Moors today, which was pretty awesome. We walked loads, bashed sticks, slid and rolled down heather-covered hillsides, saw some choo-choo trains, and chased some sheep (I was wondering if we could catch and wrestle them; answer: no) - pretty much all the things I like best in the world. We also found a ruined house and sat there eating bread and butter atop this high hill looking out into the valley below and it was pretty wildly awesome. Then I came home and this footbball team called me up for a game - with like five minutes notice - and I raced down to Kirkstall, played in goal - it was like a proper league game - and got man of the match in a 7-0 win! It was pretty wild - I don't know what came over me; I was saving everything. I think I'll call it beginners' luck, lest I jinx myself and play shit next week. I also had my first game in the squash league last night - which was a disaster, so the football helped make up for that a bit. I don't know what happened, I was just playing this guy and immediately realised I was better than him, and so didn't really try, and also felt sorry for him when he was losing, and before I knew it I'd totally lost. Same old same old! I was so mad I threw my racket into the wall and fumed about with my housemates for about an hour. Then we talked about pee and not wearing underpants and Nicky and Holly both said "cock", which was a bit of a shock (but I'm getting used to that by now) and that was jolly good fun. Tomorrow's the Oxfam area meeting; I wonder if they'll notice if I take my laptop in and do some writing or something. I could say that I'm taking notes.
In other news I'm looking into some hypnotherapy to get to the bottom of these commitment issues; I think I've realised it's definitely a thing for me, and I want to get it sorted ASAP. It's both scary and exciting - I mean, I feel like I'll be a whole new person if I can just sort this out - but it's scary because I feel like, well, who exactly is in control of my life? It's like there's some sort of parasite inside of me that's making me do things. Worse than that, though - the worst of all, and what I find most horrifying about the whole thing - is that these various articles all say that these people - commitmentphobes; ie, me - can have a bad effect on their partners - making them feel to blame, making them feel crazy; you've said this about me, as did Sophie at times - and that's freaked the living shit out of me, to be honest. I fucking hate the idea that I could be doing things to hurt people - beautiful, lovely people - and it makes me feel like damaged goods; it makes me want to cry just thinking about it and typing it now. It makes me so sorry for the hurt I have caused you (and others) because of this, and a big part of me feels like people should just stay away from me until I can get myself fixed. But I don't want to be alone. And I don't want to be without you. Still, I felt like I had a duty to tell you about this, because I felt like you should know before you make any decision about what you want to do with 'us' - because I really don't want to cause you hurt. I wrote about this in my blog, and there are some links from there if you fancy reading them, and have the time. It all feels like heavy emotional stuff - and a big part of me doesn't want to get into that with you, because I do prefer being fun and silly and light - but I guess that's been the problem sometimes, and I guess sometimes you just have to go there. Anyway, I wanted you to know - and, also, like I said, I do find it sort of exciting too, because I'm really sure I can sort this out, and I just think, my God, without these issues, how amazingly awesome will I be then! Someone's gonna get a really great guy, at some point in the not too distant future.
I've been thinking about you loads, missing you tons and wishing you were around to hang out with, be silly, have fun and talk about whatever we want. I've been thinking about all the good times we've shared - even over the last few weeks, like when you told me, "I don't know if I can be with someone who just pees everywhere" - and it makes me really sad to think this might be the end of us. I've realised so much since we 'broke up'; I've realised that I do love you, and want to make an effort to make things work. I'll understand if you don't, though - but if you don't, I still hope we can be friends, and do fun things, and hang out and that. I think we ought to get back into playing squash - and I think it would be fun to go bike-riding with you, if you still bring yours back from Oxford. My life won't be the same without you, I've realised that now - just as I've realised that I have a needy part to me, and miss people, and want them - I feel like this is role reveral from me going to India, and you're away having your fun and wanting a break from me, and I'm here missing you and feeling needy and unsure - and that's okay, because that's a good lesson for me. I only wish this wanting and longing and needing had come out a bit sooner. Different to India, though, I'm determined that your short and busy and emotionally distant (or non-existent) emails and texts (I'm saying that with a smile, an ironic jest) won't put me off from feeling and expressing my emotions, my love. I feel like I have to give myself and not hold back, because I've sold myself short too many times in the past, and I don't want that to happen again. Even if - lol: when - you decide you just want to be friends, at least I'll be able to say "I tried".
So I suppose I'd better call it a night, now; seem to have been having quite a few late ones recently, not sleeping so great. Staying up to watch the entire last series of Peep Show the other night probably not such a good idea - but wicked fun! I had an awesome day today; I hope you did too. Diego's such a nice chap - it's great that we've become such good friends so quick, and enjoy each other's company so much. He took me swimming last night; the boy swims like a plough. I was rubbish, alas; I think I'd better stick to dry land.
So eat some frogs' legs for me and maybe bait a few Frenchmen with jokes about the war. I love you lots.
Big hugs, and kisses, and smiles,
Rory
xxx
PS Thanks for everything. Your presence in my life makes me a better man. You're awesome.
Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
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