12

Relationships

I think next time I get into a relationship I might try and stick at it; that was one thing that came up in India, that I never do that, and that maybe I should. Truth is, I don’t even know what a working relationship looks like – so how am I supposed to recognise when I’m in one or not? I never really saw my parents together, nor anyone else’s; I just don’t have anything to go on. I do, however, have a sense that no matter who you’re with, there’s gonna be problems, and annoyances, differences and disagreements, and that keeping chopping and changing in order to find the perfect partner is futile, because the perfect partner doesn’t exist. Of course, I suppose there’s got to be a willingness on both sides to make an effort, to try, and to commit. I also have a sense that it’s about cultivating love, and that a big part of that love is about tolerance; these things, though, are just senses, not abilities; I guess I don’t really know what it’s about at all. I’m at an age, though, where maybe I should; where I’ve done all my looking, experimenting, learning what I like and what I don’t, and realising that it’s all pretty much the same wherever you go so let’s make the best of what we have right here. I’m at the age where I probably ought to be thinking about children. I think it’s time to stop messing about, to maybe say, “you know what, you’re ninety percent good enough; I think that’ll do” and work at just loving the person I’m with instead of always thinking there’s something better. Next time…

Me

One of my biggest problems is letting go of this idea of myself as ‘a spiritual person’ and a ‘seeker of God’. I mean, I once was – and devotedly so – but I can’t quite get it into my head that that’s a phase of my life that is over, and it’s messing me up. But do I meditate? No. Do I pray much? No. Do I go to church, and get down on my knees, and think lots of God, and devote myself with my heart and mind to that stuff? No. I’m lapsed, I guess – and one only has to look at one’s day to day actions to realise the truth of themself. So if I don’t do those things with my time, then what do I do? I play sport. I work. I watch football on TV, and I like comedy and movies, strumming my guitar, lazing about and procrastinating, and riding my bike. I’ve got the modern disease – infomania – it seems, and I battle with that as I’ve battled with many various other addictions over the years. I’m clean living, in a way – eg, no alcohol, no drugs, no caffeine, no sugar – but I’m not hardcore with it, as I perhaps was in the past (not bothered about being organic, for example, or caring what other people do). I’m quite messy, in some ways, and fastidiously tidy in others. I’ve got a talent as a writer, though I rarely put it to good use, for one reason or another. I try to be a good boy, and though I fail at so many things – relationships being just one of them – I guess I do pretty well most of the time. I’m a bit of a loner, though I do enjoy the company of others; it’s just more that I’m maybe not quite able, or a little different, or quite picky about my friends, or more happy on my own a lot of the time. In a nutshell, I guess I’m just your average guy: a football and squash playing go-karter with a few hobbies, a job, a fairly decent outlook on life and an inability to commit to just about anything. What I am not, however, is a would-be Buddha, as I once imagined myself to be, and if I could just get that into my stupid thick head, things would probably be a lot better…

My past

Now what I’m tempted to do is detail my past – explain exactly just why I have the aforementioned problem – talk about my ‘spiritual years’ and sort of justify it all, and maybe bask in former glories a little. But then I don’t see how that would really serve me. Maybe I should just put it to bed, mention it no more, and let it only exist in an inner struggle known only to myself and my head, a fight that is ever dwindling, a battle to be won by normality, alone. Do you think that would be a good idea?

I do.

Sex

I quite fancy some.

Money

I’ve found Joel Heyes. I’ve got his address. I’ll send him a cheque real soon. I’m also thinking about donating a guitar or two to my old school – actually, I’ll email them now – and then I’ll sort out my dad and his partner (slightly tricky, as I’m sure they’d find a way to rip each other off if I only paid my debt to one of them). Finally, I’ve got my own private Sherlock on the case of the previously-mentioned robbery. I’ll be out of money soon, then. Well, I guess it was never mine to begin with…

Family

I told my dad yesterday how I was pretty much done with my mum – you know, too many chances, too many forgivenesses, and nothing but heartache in return – and how I wasn’t bothered about talking to her again. He said he was gonna ring her and find out what was going on; I rather wish he wouldn’t. Her, and my brother, I could quite easily put to bed and forget they ever existed; my dad’s alright ‘cos he’s harmless enough and I’ve never expected anything from him anyway. Maybe that’s harsh; it’s just how I feel. I don’t want to give my heart to people who just trample it underfoot anymore. My dad said, “why is she acting like that?” I said, “because she’s crackers.” I mean, what other reason could there be? Some people just are. And if it’s her nature, and if it’s her problem, I don’t see why I should make it mine. Simple.

Creation

Writing; I just wrote. I’ll write some more again soon. I’ve got more story ideas and I’ve no doubt that I’ll get them done by the 25^th of each month, as I’m supposed to. I do sometimes wish I was a little more active, and maybe developed myself slightly more quickly than my current rate of progress – but then maybe this is the way it’s meant to be. Maybe I should just take it easy on myself and relax, and trust the juice. Amen.

Work

Work’s okay; work’s been okay for quite a few weeks. S’hard to believe, after the way I felt all winter – and especially when coming back from India, when it seemed absolutely untenable – but it’s all been fine and dandy of late. That’s a relief…

Entertainment

Boy, have I been watching a lot of football! It seems like there’s just so much on – and so much that’s worth watching, too. I mean, Champions’ League, FA Cup – come on you Barnsley! – and then all the Everton games. And now that I’ve discovered <a href=http://www.rojadirecta.com>rojadirecta</a>, and have access to all the Premier League action…well, phew! But really it’s only the lovely Toffees I have an interest in. Plus I played for three hours on Sunday, and got muddied up to my eyeballs, and kicked full-on in the face – amazed that my nose didn’t “bost” – and scored seven out of twelve goals, and had a right rollicking time. Plus my weekly squash, plus the newly discovered Monday night go-karting (fifteen quid, all you can kart), plus another game of squash, and a bit of badminton, and the Saturday morning 5k run, and all-you-can-bowl ten pin bowling, and…well, it’s all rather active and good; these are the things I’m into. I don’t know why; I guess it just makes me feel really good – and maybe I’m getting a sense of my age, of my body, and that two hour games of squash, and three hour games of football aren’t perhaps gonna be available to me in ten or fifteen or twenty years time – and that I’m certainly not gonna be able to sprint and run the way I can now – now that I’m thirty-two – not too many years in the future.

And there you have it: the pillars of a life on this particular day in history. Amen.