Oh, God, I just can't get Perlilly out of my head! What a doll! What a darling! I feel so smitten and restless and woeful and unhappy – this is no good at all. I'm urging to rush to her; I wish I was there now. I'm thinking irresponsible thoughts about hitching down to see her, about buying a cheap car off ebay, about turning up in Oxford with no place to stay, not caring, even though it's cold. What the hell is wrong with me? To lose my head so suddenly and easily – and to someone who doesn't really seem to care.
But then visions of her and I, arm in arm, always smiling and laughing so much, in the bright lights of that Christmas Market, that corny joke about the big chocolate thing that said, "will you marry me?" – and why did she talk about children? And why did she say, "see, I'm perfect for you"? And why did she kiss me so strong and true in that Spanish restaurant, in the street afterwards, in her room? And hold me, and pull me close, and say all those such nice things? It was only in the mornings she was aloof and adrift – cold and harsh, even – and even then she made an effort, transforming herself, being nicer. Did I end it prematurely, when there was nothing really wrong? That's the way I feel right now…
I'm more clear tonight of my reasons for doing it; it was all about thinking she would get with someone else during our absence – and maybe I should have talked about it with her. My thinking went something like this: we're going to be apart for something like four to eight weeks; she can't go that long without a man, so she'll get with someone, and I don't want that; my options are to say, "I don't want that, let's stay true to each other" – but I couldn't do that, because you can only do that if you're in a relationship – or the doing of it would imply 'relationship' – and she didn't want that, so that wasn't an option – or to end it, which is what I did. Except there was a third option, I suppose – there always is – to talk about it, and to find out what she wanted, and to say, well, this is how I feel, and this is what I can't live with, and it's up to you to decide what you want – or we could have decided something together. Instead, timing and circumstances – being busy, me being away, her being away, and her not being interested in talking – meant I felt I had to do it all in my own head – since it was all me; me who needed saving from this situation – and that's what I did. I did it in the hope of freeing my mind from this, but it hasn't worked – unless I just need to suffer it a bit more, to get over it, to work through it. But I don't like it at all; I wish it was back as it was; typing this makes me feel like crying.
Oh, I can't do this! I'm not cut out for human love! I lose myself, I need so much – I can't handle the disharmonies and misunderstandings, and when someone else won't do this, won't express, won't share what they feel, withdraws into weird behaviour and keeps their heart under wraps, behind a shield. I'm all heart, I am; I stumble and bumble and tumble sometimes but really my feelings are all there for anyone to see; I can't hide from them; I can't cover and lie and pretend.
Oh Lord, save me from my own stupidity and madness and desires! I can't can't can't find a way through this…
I guess it's just being miserable for a bit then – well, other people seem to do it, why not I? That'll be novel! A change is as good as a rest! :)
Or maybe I'll send her a saucy – but true – text, see if that does the trick…
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