Private August journallings #3

Not the best of days yesterday. Woke up three thirty in the morning and, to my surprise, couldn’t get back to sleep. Usually a pretty awesome sleeper but have these nights every now and then. Things on my mind I guess. Was thinking about everything and decided it was time to consult the I Ching. Most pertinent question to ask – given still trying to leave everything else to “one step at a time” – was whether or not to go to the interview for the psychotherapy training on the 15th, seeing as that then determines any date for leaving for Greece. Feeling tells me it’s more like the 21st or so that I head over that way anyway, but impatience to get things moving and my living situation – ie, boss returns today and I’m therefore either homeless or living weirdly with my boss – makes me wanna just do it now.

Anyways, I asked the question – “What would the outcome be of my NOT going to that interview on the 15th?” – and I got Chapter 29 – ‘Dangerous Depths’ with one changing line in the 6th place. Seemed really, scarily, bang on pertinent, mostly talking about danger, not shying away from things, and the changing line stating that, “for three years one does not find the way. Misfortune.”

I really don’t want to not find the way. I really don’t want to skip out on this just to end up even more lost and back in the same position a few years down the line. But I don’t know how I ended up in this situation. How did it come to pass anyway? All born out of the Ali-inspired ‘mid-life crisis’: how I wish I’d just had the good sense to let it ride and not go round desperately looking for a solution. Not have the internet to search and have things come naturally. Just…

I sometimes wonder – often wonder – just why it is that everyone else seems to get to do whatever the hell they please while I’m bound by some controlling fate. The I Ching that says “yes” to some things and “no” to others and is always right. Denied by God in instances like the loss of my passport. Duty to my work. Other people do what they please and smile because of it. But I’m always second-guessing, overanalysing, denying myself and trying to pick the right way through the maze of life by using signs and intuitions and ancient Chinese oracles. There seems truth in it and it has worked so dramatically in the past I’d be a fool to ignore it. But the upshot is I no longer trust myself. My own thoughts and feelings and desires are frequently stupid and lead me up blind alleys. When I follow the I Ching I get to go good places. When I go against it everything goes wrong.

Who do you trust? Whose life is this anyway? It’s no wonder I get so confused…

And yet – I see an article yesterday asking, “what are the best decisions you’ve ever made?” and I know if I think about it they would have been totally illogical ones. Flying to Vancouverin ’98 on the spin of a coin. Going to Mexico a month later almost broke and on the spin of another coin. Flying off to see Sara in ’01 and ’02. All those things were mental. All inspired and backed by signs. No I Ching readings for any of them, save the last. But I guess I was a lot younger then also…

Oh, I don’t fuckin’ know. This whole thing is getting to be such a drag. I don’t know if I want to train as a psychotherapist and maybe I should be listening to those people who say I should check it out first to see if I like it. Or look more into counselling, the more speedy option to qualification and career. Is aiming for psychotherapy fuelled by egoistic ambition, much like when I ditched being a teaching assistant for teaching proper, wanting to be at the head of the class? ‘Cos that turned out to suck. I just don’t fuckin’ know.

Erin. The California girl. That’s screwed me up. Probably just Perlilly all over again – young and blonde and talented and sexy and exciting and fun and attractive and a musician – but nothing real. Also frivolous and pot-smoking and so very different, really, in our attitudes. I just don’t have the ability to have these flings with awesome beautiful women without giving a substantial piece of my heart. To not think of them constantly. To not be swayed. We spend one night together and then I’m dreaming of being her man in California. Probably to her it was just a bit of sex while passing through, in between some other bits of passing through sex. I must be some kind of idiot to fall for that again. And yet it has opened something up in me, that desire to give myself to someone and be open and emotional and real. I don’t know why I couldn’t do that with Laura. I guess a part of me thinks she’s not smart enough, has too many of her own problems. She’s so hesitant and neurotic and repressed. Takes everything so personally. But then maybe I’ve never really given her a chance to show me just how much love she’s got. Probably quite a lot. Maybe she’d surprise me.

I don’t know what to say to her. Whether to tell her all these things. To tell her that I’m probably just not capable of not leaving. To show her what a mess I can be at times.

This is not a good time for me. A tricky time. I hate being so swamped with all these decisions and how hard it is to find answers. People say I think too much and they’re right – but how can you not think about these things when they’re so imminent and need thinking about. So much on my brain. Urges for Greece and Canadaand the US and Mexico. Thoughts of all the different women – Laura and Erin and Nicky and Grace – and now Brittney. Nowhere to live. My dad wanting to give me his shop and commit to that. The psychotherapy training. Signs and feelings for Scarborough and Exeter. And always how to live, how to make money, even though I’m currently employed and have a very healthy bank balance. This job probably won’t last forever though. Yesterday I did it so slowly and in a daze, couldn’t really be arsed. But maybe that’s just because I’ve been working every day and am in need of a break. And probably because of my being up for a few hours in the middle of the night…

After the I Ching – which just got me feeling more troubled: the feeling of being trapped, I suppose, and stuck in something I don’t feel over the moon about – I went back to bed and listened to one of Brian Weiss’s past-life regression CDs. Not sure exactly what happened but I definitely felt in some kind of altered mental state. Different experience of inner-spatial awareness. My mouth slowly opening itself wide open, totally spontaneously. And small visions of unknown faces, flickers of places. No past-life memories to speak of – but certainly something more than I’ve experienced listening to those things before. Would be awesome to actually have a genuine experience of it. I can’t think of anything more exciting right now. For all my apparent faith in reincarnation and the immortality of the soul I can’t help but wonder whether I really have it truly deep down in my bones…

That kind of thing also makes me wonder about psychotherapy, and whether what I’m actually into is the hypnotherapy of someone like Brian Weiss. Something that seems to promote actual change rather than simple analysis and intellectual understanding. Everything’s so confusing right now.

I wonder also if listening to that CD wasn’t in part responsible for yesterday’s daze. Not that it was a bad daze to be in; I just sort of drifted through everything quite placidly and non-caring. Didn’t mind that I was cycling and walking so slowly. No hurry, no worry. And then quite dazed still at the evening’s football, sort of detached from proceedings and not bothered by all the complaints and shouting, just finding it funny. Well, that’s how I usually am anyway but even more so than usual.

Probably just tired. Don’t think I managed much of a nap either. Will be so glad when Ian gets back and I can take some proper time off work. If I can stop thinking so much and just get out of my head a bit I’ve a feeling a nice holiday in Greece could be just the ticket right now. I suppose on one level it’s been one hell of a year – what with Ali and the mid-life crisis and all those emotions and the uncertainty of my living situation, moving several times, always these aborted attempts to get away – plus the Christian experience – and perhaps I don’t give myself enough credit for that, don’t really even contemplate it in terms of what it might have done to me. I know I say I think about the past a lot, but that’s more the distant past. The past of this year and the weight of it all I don’t ever contemplate, my mind’s just focussed on the present and the near future and all these impending decisions. But I suppose it has been pretty intense and maybe I do need some time away from everything just to recharge and draw a line. Not sure I have the capability – when your primary focus in life is working things out and your inner-world they kind of follow you wherever you go – but a holiday [from myself] sure would be nice. I’m sure the angels would encourage it. Just not quite sure how to go about it.

Ah, to be into jet skis and drinking and shouting “whoop!” at a full moon party like a proper Brit abroad!