More confusion

Just came out of job interview, feeling emotionally bereft. So difficult to do that lying thing where you pretend like you want/know something and people pretend to be judges up on high asking questions like any of it matters. What a weird fuckin' world we live in! And the weirdest thing was 66% of the interview panel I knew, in a jokey, friendly way - but then they had their different heads on and had to be 'interview them' and all I am is a confused child wondering why all these games and rules and why can't people just be themselves?

The job I had such high hopes for...it's not so much the job, it's the MA that goes with it: another bullshit MA described in abstract and vague terms that weird people wank off to.

I've got to get out, get some perspective. I'm off the country for three days. Moving out of my flat was probably one of the worst things I've ever done - and I do love Leeds but right now I want to be anywhere but.

My soul hurts, I swear - and then I start dreaming again of Canada and the US all over again and jumping off the cliff. But you know the extraordinary thing with that? After all I've said about Leeds and how I feel Life just wants to keep me here?

I can't find my passport.

It's gone.

Elsewhere.

And so I couldn't go even if I tried.

Everything's gone weird since I left my place - and all the money I hoped to save, and all the income I thought I didn't have...well, plenty of reffing (and other) work has come in in the meantime - and travelling and living elsewhere and having my bike nicked and losing my passport...it's all gone somewhere else anyways.

Not to mention the cost and the stress of uncertainty - and yet still remains the question of -

[on the chat, Dave S. pops up - let's see what he has to say...]

[ten minutes later] Yep, that was useful - another bullet to the head of Canada/US dreams. Why can't I just let it go? It sucks when your desires and dreams are all fucked up and stoopid...

I gotta go. I gotta get away from the internet and put my head in some country nature space, a comfortable bed in a fancy tent with burning logs on the fire and some clarity...