1. Ask your opponent if they're better or worse than you.
2. If they say "better", you lose. If they say "worse", you win.
3. If they say they're about the same, ask them if they're prone to daft mistakes. If they say "yes", you win. If they say "no", toss a coin. If it lands heads, you win; tales, you lose.
Da-da! So much simpler and quicker than actually having to play a game. And better still, if you play on a website that actually uses ratings - gained over a few real games - you can just compare your rating against that of your opponent and you won't even have to bother with the questions.
Another amazing invention-type thing I've come up with lately is something I think we can all have a bit of fun with: namely, scaring our nearest and dearest with a message "from beyond the grave". Stumbled upon this one while investigating every last function of my £9.95 mobile phone (it has a flashlight? does yours?). Here's what you do:
1. Write a text message saying something about how you're sorry that you've died, how it's horrible on the other side, that hell is real (or something) and you're going to come back and haunt and terrify them (the recipient).
2. Address it to some people you think it would be fun to send this to. I'm thinking friends, lovers, wives, children, parents, etc.
3. Now here's the important bit: DON'T SEND IT. What you should have on your phone - I've got it on mine and that's powered by mice - is the ability to "send text later". That's what you want. Simply pick a time a day or two in the future and sit back, relax, and anticipate the fun.
4. If you don't die, change the time of the text to a few days hence. Keep doing this until you do die.
5. When you do die, in the midst of all the weeping and moaning, a load of people will receive your text "from beyond the grave" and YOU WILL FREAK THEM OUT!!!
Only one bad thing about the destruction of my facebook account: I maybe missed out on the chance of a bit of notoriety/legal action by my naming of Ryan Giggs in the Imogen Thomas/super-injunction affair several weeks before the whole thing blew up on Twitter. Why didn't I do it there! Always the bridegroom, never the bride...
Probably a good place to mention a couple of my other awesome inventions...
1. The pee kettle. It's a kettle you can pee in. Why? Several reasons. Number one, it saves you having to leave the place where the kettle is to go to the toilet. Number two, it saves the water you would use to flush the chain. Number three, it saves the water you would use to fill the kettle. How's it work? Well, it's sort of like a water-purifier-filter-boiler all in one. Simply pop the lid, pee in it, flip the switch and - ta-da! - within minutes lovely fresh pure and clean almost boiling water, all ready for another pot of tea and to start the cycle again. It's a winner all round.
2. The exercise blanket. I think I came up with this one while I was lying on the couch watching telly and thinking how cool it would be to have a hot body yet knowing I could never, ever be arsed to try and achieve it. Anyway, that was when I had my masterstroke: a blanket that made your muscles big! Simply lay it over yourself while you watch TV, eat pizza, etc and after 60-90 minutes your muscles will be big and hard and all your fat will have simply melted away. In the time it took to watch a semi-dreadful Hollywood movie you could have gained what took some people several months and many hundreds of dollars in the gym. Imagine that six-pack! Dig those lats! All from lying on the couch under a blanket for just one hour per week.
Now all I need is some science guy to make my visions real. Anybody wanna play brainiac to my creative ideas-making genius?
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