dreams

Well that was another decent week in Herne Bay, even if I am still contemplating escape every now and then (thinking: maybe go live in the woods, and mix it up with nights in the Oxfam shop, visits to other towns, something like that). Worked a lot again in the Oxfam, sorting out my beloved records. Went through thousands of them! And spent three nights there in a little nest on the floor, amongst racks of clothes and teddy bears and ornaments. I tell myself I like it - and, certainly, I feel very cosy and jolly when I climb inside that handily-donated sleeping bag and get on my duvet mattress and think, "aaah" - although I do generally wake up feeling like I haven't slept a wink. Probably not as mentally peaceful as being in 'your own house.'

Main other news - Eve the ex turned up on Saturday (well, I invited her; another one on the list) and we've been sleeping together, for the first time in nearly nine years. It's been surprisingly easy - and a hell of a lot easier than fighting the urge, as I've done on several occasions in the past. Also, I've been remarkably good - in that - well, hey, I'm always good - but in that there hasn't even been the merest whiff of my annoying PE friend. I've been like a proper bloke! And, honestly, it feels like the first time since I was about eighteen. It's surprising. I wonder why it's like that with her. And I wonder maybe it's because I in some ways care less about her, feel less pressure, given the nature of our break-up (her cheating on me; me feeling like I don't really owe her anything). But she's a nice girl. Anyways, I hope I can take this with me onto the next one.

And who will the next one be? Well, I think about Sophie a lot - of course, she's the one at the top of the list - and I'm starting to feel like (with the encouragement of others) that I ought to just go and see her, even though she's doing her best to maintain 'radio silence', ignoring emails, keeping her distance, etcetera. She's afraid, I guess, and hurt. She's still 'the one', though, in my head. And this morning I dreamt of her and I, some long involved dream that was practically a movie, and in it I had sex with her sister (she doesn't have a sister), and then the three of us were in a motel room on our way to their mother's funeral, and this young Mormon guy was hanging around, and came in, and got undressed, and I could tell that he fancied her and that she quite liked him too. And I just kind of got out of the way and let it happen, and even though it was slightly upsetting I knew it was what I had to do. We parted company, and the next day I was somewhere with someone else (on a dangerous rock?) and at the last moment (the last moment of what, I don't know) Sophie came rushing forward and gave me the most passionate kiss, and spilled out her emotions. "We needed to sleep with other people," I said, "to get to this place." She wanted me. It was pretty much a metaphor for our whole breaking up.

If she'd showed me that she wanted me in Venice, she coulda had me.

Which reminds me, lone reader o' mine: any news on the Grace situation? I guess I could ring her myself, if I wasn't such a chicken shit...

Happy Monday!

Rory