Girlfriend got her degree result this morning; she got a first. I mean, obviously I gotta be happy for her for that but - at the same time I'm thinking (being as she scraped it by .25 of a mark) that it was me that was decisive in that, having put in a few hundred hours to help her record some songs, and there I go again giving my all so that others can succeed while I'm just languishing and not fulfilling and lost and confused and unhappy. Why couldn't I be just a little bit more selfish? Why can't I make sure that I'm okay too, and not just others? Because it's easier, I suppose. But maybe I'd better start.
Not that I have to stop helping other people, of course - but if I gave as much to myself as I give to them then maybe I could succeed too, and maybe I wouldn't have this hollow sort of feeling that I have just now, when I should just be celebrating the triumph of another. (And not that I can talk to her about any of this; that wouldn't be fair either).
Mostly it's just, ho hum, there's a lesson to be learned in this, try and be better in the future; try and be more selfish; try and do your own things with the same level of commitment and perfection as you do others. Something like that. In other news, just testing the water the other night during my depressed mood, I stuck my room on gumtree to see if there was any interest. There was. Six people have emailed me wanting to come and have a look - and the first came round yesterday. I couldn't get him out of there fast enough though; I just kept thinking, this is my room, my house, what the hell are you doing here anyway? I don't really want to leave my house, this city - at least, I don't think I do - but having a little taste of what that would mean was probably good for me; I know now I'd miss it. My job, on the other hand...
But things have been better since I let off some steam Saturday night; I guess I needed that. Why does it seem so hard to be me sometimes?
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